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How to take your Relationships to New Heights


How to take your Relationships to New Heights
from the desk of Mheyah Bailey

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Have you noticed how relationships change over time? We all love the romance phase because it feels so wonderful to find someone you feel really connected to, someone who gets you and who is there for you. We even go through the romance phase in a new job or any new experience.

Couple walking

Falling in love is the most compelling and intoxicating experience but what is it that makes it change? We seek it and then are so disappointed when our relationships lose that sheen of romance and connection, passion and intimacy.

Then we look around and wonder where it went. The best way to get what you want in your relationships is to know where you want to end up, know what you need and want and be able to communicate to your partner. Communication is the key to keeping the love and passion alive.

What most of us need is a clear path to follow. It is not always easy to know how to make your relationships better, conflict free and full of loving connection. It is easy to lose your way with all the information out there about how to be successful in love and life.

I have spent the last several years creating a communication system that has the essential keys to lasting quality relationships personally and professionally.

I have created a Simple 5 Step System that includes the 5 main principles needed to have quality relationships and the 5 Steps for Successful Conversations.
couple connection
This 5 Step System will let you take all your relationships to new heights, full of appreciation, understanding, connection with no stress and conflict.Please allow me to introduce you to:
SUCCESSFUL COMMUNICATION MADE SIMPLE
This is the best course to get you on the right path for more LOVE, SUCCESS & HAPPINESS in all areas of your life.Screen Shot 2013-07-22 at 6.38.22 PM

 

 

 

85% of your happiness and success in life can be determined by your communication skills.

This 7 module course highlights the 5 important principles needed to create successful relationships personally and professionally. It is a simple, easy to use, but rich in-depth course that teaches the important qualities you need to create more connection with those you love, help you manage conflict and differences and integrates them with the 5 simple Step by Step System for win-win conversations so you can get on the path to more Love, Happiness and Success.

With This Course You Will Gain:

More loving & harmonious relationships

Become more successful professionally

You will feel happier & more content

Have more confidence in your abilities

Enjoy more understanding, love & appreciation

Create a respectful passionate connection & deep friendship with your partner

Have less stress and conflict personally and professionally

In addition you will receive group coaching calls and lots of bonus resources to get you on the path to more happiness, love and success.

This is an exciting opportunity for you to take your life, relationships and professional success to a whole new level

CLICK HERE TO LEARN HOW YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE TODAY

I will be sending more information your way so keep a look out for new tips on how to take your relationships to whole new heights and success.
Love Mheyah 

If you want help with your relationships or communication coaching please connect with me and BOOK YOUR SESSION BELOW

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7 Questions to Ask Yourself When You Can’t Get Turned on Anymore


The 7 steps to flip your “turn on switch”

We all at times can wonder why we don’t have that incredible compelling desire for our partners and you start asking yourself the big questions, Why oh Why don’t they turn me on anymore? Where did our love go?

My mantra, and I am sure you may have heard me say it over and over, because it is true, “the truth is simple’ and is the same in this case.

Unless you have some hormone imbalance or another medical condition (like depression) making you not feel sexy, and you can’t find that magic sexy sweet spot,  the cause can only be one thing, a lack of mental and emotional connection.
Not only a lack of connection with each other but also with yourself. The brain is our largest sex organ and if you are not feeling sexy and connected it can only mean that you are not connecting emotionally and mentally.

Sex is the highest level of communication and if you are not communicating in all the ways that matter, sex is just not going to happen the way it used to.

So understanding the problem leads us to the solution.

If you want to feel that sexy turned on feeling again then you have to create and find the mental emotional connection.
couple connectionNow this is where my job starts. I help people create connection, more love, happiness, intimacy and passion, which leads me to one of the biggest lessons in relationships: realizing that each and everyone of us is 100% responsible for ourselves and our own happiness in the relationship.

What you can do is try to understand all the events and triggers that you may not even be aware of, that have shut OFF your “turn on switch” You also may be aware of some concerns in your relationship but you haven’t dealt with them yet. What you may not realize is that by avoiding any issues you have effectively turned OFF your “turn on switch.

There are many questions you need to honestly ask yourself and do your best to discover what is true for you, what is at the heart of the matter. When we are even the slightest bit upset with your partners, maybe aren’t even aware of feeling resentful, or we haven’t set good boundaries, aren’t aware of our own needs in the relationship, have maybe compromised on important issues where we shouldn’t have, we shut down and become disconnected. Sex is only a symptom of deeper issues that need to be resolved.

Einstien said it best when he said “a problem needs to be resolved 6 layers below where it presents itself”

So if not feeling turned on is where the issue presents itself then I can guarantee the problem is definitely deeper than that. When we are not aware of underlying upset and problems our love and “turn on switch” becomes turned OFF and we become unable to feel that passion and love we once had for our partners. It isn’t lost, it is just hidden.

What can help the situation is to ask yourself some deep and meaningful questions and answer yourself truthfully with radical honesty.

  1. Am I upset or angry with my partner in any way. Even in small ways, are you feeling upset? Is there an imbalance of responsibilities or roles? What could you be feeling hurt about? Anger is a secondary emotion that covers up more vulnerable feelings like fear, sadness, hurt to name a few.  So get real with yourself and ask yourself what are you feeling? Our feelings are our barometers that guide us to understand ourselves better.
  2. Do I feel resentful in anyway. This is a biggy. When we feel resentful and maybe not even acknowledging our resentment we automatically withdraw emotionally and sex is best when we are emotionally connected.  What could you be resenting? Your partner not helping out, not home much, not being there for you?
  3. Do I feel safe and secure in my relationship? The attachment you feel to your partner is as important as the safety and security a child needs with it’s primary caregiver so if you are feeling insecure or unsafe in any way your love switch will definitely diminish.  When I say safe and secure I am meaning, do you feel physically and emotionally safe and secure, free from fear and fully trusting your partner. Are you on the same team?
  4. What is your love language? Do you feel loved? We all have a combination of love languages and is how we feel loved. What is yours and are you getting enough of your main love language to feel special, important and loved?They are: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Affection, Acts of Service. If you can identify what makes you feel loved out of these 5, ask yourself if you are getting enough of them?
  5. Are you spending enough fun time together outside of the bedroom? FUN. Remember fun. What do you enjoy doing together? What brought you together in the first place? Whatever it is, do more of it.
  6. Are you looking after yourself? Are you making time for your own creativity, friends, exercise and living your life with purpose. We all need to feel we are living with a purpose and expressing our authentic selves. If we don’t we can project our unfulfilled selves onto our partners expecting, even unconsciously, expecting them to fulfill us and give us purpose in the world and that is not how the best relationships work. The best relationships are when two people bring their whole authentic, creative selves into the relationship and share their purpose with each other and the rest of the world.
  7. Communication. How skilled are you at communication? Are you able to express, what you feel, need and want? Do you know how to express yourself to create more connection and love, and less stress and conflict?

Couple walking

Sex is the highest form of communication so if your communications skills are lacking then so will your ability to create healthy happy relationships in all areas of your life.

Studies have proven that “85% of your happiness and success in life can be directly attributed to your communication skills” So suffice to say that communication and connection is the answer to switching ON your “turn on switch”

If you want help with your relationships or communication coaching please connect with me and BOOK YOUR SESSION BELOW

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Love Mheyah 

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Looking for a way to ensure Healthy, Fulfilling & Passionate Relationships

 

We all seek loving relationships. It is human nature to want to connect with loved ones. Whether it’s from our family, friends, coworkers, or our romantic relationships, we all expect love, respect, admiration, loyalty, and some level of nurturing.

But achieving that can be more difficult than you think sometimes.
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Perhaps you’ve found yourself in several unhealthy relationships and are hesitant to start a new one based on your past experiences or the new one you are in is starting to struggle too. Or maybe you’ve watched too many movies and read too many books and are scared of the hurt that can come from a failed relationship attempt. Or maybe you’re finding it difficult to make the necessary professional connections needed to further advance your career. 

Regardless of your past fears,  Connection Point can give you the communication skills you need to ensure all of your relationships are healthy, happy and full of mutual respect.

We offer 2 in depth courses that highlight the 5 important principles needed to create rich and successful personal and business relationships, Successful Communication Made Simple and the 5 Simple Principles to Create Successful Relationships.
These courses will lead you on a path to:

  • Loving & harmonious relationships
  • Professional success
  • Personal happiness and contentment
  • Strengthened confidence in yourself
  • Understanding, love, and appreciation
  • Respect, passion, and deep friendship with your chosen partner

We all want to be loved, but sometimes we need a little help learning how to go about achieving that level of affection out of relationships in our life.

Happy couple

If you find yourself nodding and thinking “This is what I’ve been missing!” then CLICK HERE to learn more about our program and how you can get started building healthy relationships today!

Need relationship help-you can book me directly

Communication is the single most important part of creating a healthy relationship. A relationship without communication is like a beautiful flower without water and sunlight, it will quickly wither and die. I don’t care if you think what you have to say is hurtful or you are afraid of expressing yourself, speak your Truth. Be kind, but speak up and be honest. It’s easy to communicate when it’s good news and happy times, but it takes a truly authentic and courageous person to communicate openly and honestly when darkness falls on a relationship.”– Jackson Kiddard, author & polymath.

Love Mheyah 
Please connect with me at
www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com

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Find out more about Mheyah

 

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What are you really complaining about?


What are you really complaining about?

Einstein said it best when he said “any issue needs to be resolved 6 layers below where it presents itself”

Most issues and grievances in relationships with others, be it your love, family, friends or colleagues, usually show up as a complaint or criticism and is what starts the cycle of conflict and misunderstanding. Unless we learn how to communicate effectively we can become embroiled in power struggles instead of creating collaborative solutions and loving connections.

It is up to us individually to learn to understand the “hope behind a complaint” and that means understanding your own needs and feelings that are propelling your complaint and the complaints of others.
Relationships are such a rich opportunity for learning, which gives us endless possibilities to learn to understand ourselves and others in a deeper and more meaningful way.

Einstein meant that, what we initially say is the problem, is not usually a good representation of the REAL problem, and that we need to dig deeper to figure out what a complaint or criticism really means.

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Every complaint, criticism or conflict is an unfortunate strategy to get something important and is usually a backhanded request for something that we need or value.
Unfortunately unless we learn to communicate in a positive way our relationships suffer and we suffer. Complaining, criticism and conflict does not get you what you want and does not create connection, harmony and more love. In fact it does the opposite.
Learning to understand the deeper meaning behind a complaint will allow you to express yourself with the likelihood of creating more positive connections, being better understood and others wanting to support you, instead of creating more conflict.
Sometimes it is easier to understand if I give you an example.
You may even have encountered this yourself at some point.
One of my clients was upset, complaining and criticizing their partner for being too busy to spend time together. This was creating a huge conflict and was threatening their partnership. It is true that for relationships to flourish couples need to spend time together but the way this one partner was communicating was doing the opposite of what they really wanted. So it was a lose-lose for sure.
The other partner was feeling defensive, blamed and criticized, and was strongly defending their right to work and do all their own activities. Nothing positive was being accomplished with they way they were communicating.

I knew we needed to get below the complaint and uncover the deeper agenda, the more meaningful conversation that was layers below the complaint.

We have all learned our relationship coping strategies in our childhoods with input from many sources. As we mature we need to learn better coping mechanisms than we learned as children and become excellent communicators if we want to succeed in relationships personally or professionally.
What I mean by being an excellent communicator may not be what you think. Most people think if they are talking then they are excellent communicators, but that isn’t true, as there are a lot of unsuccessful relationships and unhappy couples in the world and they all seem to be talking. All you have to do is look at is the divorce rate at 59 % to know we are not as successful at relationships as we could be. Being an awesome communicator is much more than just randomly speaking.

Towards the end of the session it became much more clear that my client was really feeling sad and lonely, was scared their partner didn’t love them or want to be with them anymore, felt their strong bond was being eroded by a lack of connection and felt unsafe and insecure.
What my client really needed was more connection and quality time to reestablish their love because of the importance and value the relationship had in their life.
Unfortunately the way they were communicating was only making the situation worse until we uncovered the deeper meaning and hope behind the complaint.
My client was then able to communicate from a more vulnerable authentic place with no blame or criticism attached. Their partner could really understand how they were feeling and recognized how important spending time together was for both of them, and how valuable reassurance can be in restoring trust and a faith in their coupleness.

love-is-a-treasureAttachment theory says that a couple’s bond with each other is as important as the attachment between a parent and child and that even as adults when we perceive that attachment threatened we respond emotionally in very much the same way as a child would. We tend to feel afraid, insecure and that our safety is under threat.
It is a shame in our society that a lot of people go on the attack with their partners when they are actually feeling vulnerable. Attacking our partners and colleagues usually does exactly the opposite of what you would really want. It pushes people away instead of bringing them closer.
Most complaints, criticisms and conflict are a cry for connection, understanding and love. This is why it is so important that you learn to understand your own feelings, needs and values that are below your complaints and criticisms, so you can express yourself in a way that will create more connection instead of disconnection. It can also be invaluable to understand when someone else is complaining that underneath it is a cry for something far more important. This perspective can change your conversations completely.

To be a really successful communicator you need to be able to understand yourself
“6 layers deeper” and then express what you feel, think, need and value in an effective non-threatening non-judgmental way. This is what being radically responsible really means.

If you are unsure of how to express yourself, here is my 5 Step Simple System for Creating Successful Conversations.

1. Intention-Get clear with yourself on what you really need, not what you are expressing to others as the complaint.
For example: In my usual “messy teenage room saga”
I could complain about my sons messy room but it isn’t going to help my relationship with him if I criticize him, call him lazy and messy and elevate the conflict to a war zone. If I am clear about my need for order and beauty in my life then I am taking responsibility for what I need to express. It isn’t about my son being bad or wrong and isn’t about him personally, it is about my own needs and values.
So my intention in having a conversation with my son is to take responsibility for what I need and how I feel about the messy room and I might firstly say to him
“I need to talk to you so we can find a collaborative solution for a problem I am having”
You must be clear before having any conversation about what you are hoping to achieve by having the conversation. In this case I was hoping for collaboration.

2. Fact-This is where you express the situation, what you see is happening, just the facts with no judgment. Facts won’t start a conversation using the word “YOU” Using the word “you” implies wrongdoing. In my son’s case, I might just simply say “when I see clothes all over the floor”

3. Feelings-This is where you describe what you are feeling and if you don’t know how you are feeling you can check out my feelings list HERE
Your feelings are never wrong, they just are. I believe our feelings are an intuitive barometer for what we need, and can guide us to more understanding about ourselves, so don’t judge your feelings. Just let them inform you.
For me in the messy room story “I was feeling anxious and uneasy”

4. Needs and Values-Here it is important to explain to others what your needs and values are. We all have needs and values and again if you aren’t clear you can find some examples HERE
There are 9 fundamental human needs, and not in any particular order:

  • subsistence
  • safety
  • affection
  • understanding
  • participation
  • leisure
  • creation
  • identity

On top of these fundamental human needs we also have our own personal needs and values. In the messy room saga “I have a personal need for peace and beauty in my life”

5. Ask-Ask for what you need from the other person. You may get a yes or a no or you may need to negotiate, but at least it is a collaborative conversation heading for a positive solution. I asked my son “if he would be willing to clean his room regularly” and we negotiated terms that would work for both of us. I did get what I needed from my son because I used the formula, didn’t make him wrong, shared with him what I needed and why and he was willing to be supportive.

So I hope you can see the importance of communicating at a deeper level of understanding, and the positive possibilities it could create in your life. Who doesn’t want to feel more loved, happier and be more successful professionally?

If you would like to know more about the Successful Communication Made Simple course and how to create more love, happiness & success in your life go HERElove

 

 

If you want help with your relationships or communication coaching please connect with me and BOOK YOUR SESSION BELOW

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Love Mheyah 

 

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An Attitude of Gratitude Will Rock your Relationship

 

Bonus Tip of the Week

An Attitude of Gratitude will Rock your Relationship

At the heart of our feeling loved is our fundamental need to feel appreciated, heard, acknowledged, recognized and witnessed for all that makes us special and unique, for the things we do everyday and the contributions we make in small and large ways.
I believe it is fundamentally important to feel appreciated by those around us and especially from those we love and care about. In my experience in life, personally and professionally, it seems to be fundamentally important to feel appreciated and to have hope of that eventuality because to most of us appreciation is a main ingredient to feeling loved.
Embracing all you are grateful for, sharing your appreciation and being thankful creates real authentic happiness for you, not just other people.
The same way laughing is infectious so is happiness. An attitude of gratitude makes a world of difference to you and is a gift to everyone else. Developing your appreciation and gratitude everyday creates happy neural networks in your brain. The added bonus is this mind set creates a global effect of positivity and infuses all your relationships with connection and love
How can you show your appreciation today for those you love? Say thank you for what makes them unique, special and how they contribute to your happiness and you will feel happier too.

It is a win-win.I will show

If you would like to connect. BOOK YOUR SESSION BELOW

 

 

If you want help with your relationships or communication coaching please connect with me at mheyah@connectionpointcentre.com
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Love Mheyah ♥

 

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Why doesn’t the Truth seem Simple?


Relationship Revolution-Successful Communication Made Simple Series by Mheyah Bailey

Why doesn’t the Truth Seem Simple?

Maybe it is a radical idea but I believe that the Truth IS Simple, but unfortunately it tends to get mired in the muck of not knowing our deeper selves, or having the ability to understand what our feelings really mean and even more relevant is that we surround ourselves in thinking about should’s and shouldn’ts, right and wrong, bad and good and we end up in a whirl of confusion not being clear with anyone who we really are.

When I was being completely honest and sharing my simple truth with someone the other day I actually found myself apologizing and he said “how great that you are honest, as honesty is the first casualty of polite society” which hit me deep in my heart as such a fundamental truth.
Honesty can often be the first casualty in so many relationships and when I say honesty I mean our authentic truth, the parts we hide or are scared to share. We can compromise ourselves in many small and large ways so often that we sometimes are not even aware of doing it.

I do wonder what makes us think that it is somehow the right way to be in relationship if we are not first honest about who we are, what we think, how we feel and express what we need. The impact is devastating for ourselves and on our relationships if we are constantly compromising our authenticity to live a social norm or live in relationships that are unfulfilling and lack expression of our truest selves.

Keeping the Peace

My hope is that we are moving to a new way of being on this planet with conscious decisions to embrace diversity and differences and we have made strides in a lot of areas.
What concerns me is the silent rules of relationship, where couples live less than optimal relationships because of fear: Fear of revealing their truest nature because they won’t be accepted, fear of conflict & change, fear of being honest in so many large and small ways. But what is the cost of “keeping the peace at all costs” and what is the fallout of living a compromised life? Well as Marianne Williamson says so eloquently “we will start a war within ourselves”
To live inauthentically and dishonestly can cause illness, stress, anxiety, depression and conflict with yourself and others. The impact can be life threatening and is endless.
I like to believe that society has changed enough for people to create the lives and relationships they want, however what I see in reality over and over again is that people compromise who they really are to stay in relationships, which only lasts until one person in the relationship cannot live a lie anymore and everything falls apart.

What makes us leave being honest until it is such a dramatic event that everyone is shocked because they had no idea? What makes people live so small and not share their hopes, dreams, fears, truth, beliefs, sexuality with the people they spend their lives with and call that love? I don’t believe that is real love. How can we call it love if people in our lives don’t know the real us? These are our shadows at work and our fears. When Einstein said we need to resolve issues 6 layers below where they present themselves he meant that we have to search for the truth, uncover what the deeper meanings are separate from all our should’s and shouldn’ts, artificial imperatives, societies silent rules and unearth the hidden aspects of ourselves that speak the truth.

Shadows are the aspects of ourselves we are scared to share with the world because we are afraid if we shared our truth people will judge us, not love us, criticize and reject us-Mheyah Bailey

We can only live authentically and honestly if we have accepted all parts of ourselves, even the parts that we ourselves judge, and are judged by others. We all have shadows which don’t fit our accepted idea of who we are, or who we think we should be or feel we have to be to fit into our relationships. It is exhausting just writing about it.

Trying to live a life holding back parts of ourselves is like trying to hold a workout ball under water; exhausting and impossible.
That workout ball you are trying so hard to keep submerged, is so not submergible and neither is your authentic self. At some point your true self cannot be held back and your real self will explode brilliantly all over your life.
Would it not be better that we learn as children to accept all aspects of ourselves, to embrace our differences and diversity and not misshapen ourselves to fit a mould that isn’t our mould to fit?

How simpler would life be for everyone if we did not try to fit into polite society and allow honesty to be the first casualty. It may be another radical idea but I would like to suggest that the world needs your authentic self and that our relationships would thrive if we all spoke the simple truth and learned how to communicate giving and receiving in respectful honest & compassionate ways.

Sign up to learn more about Creating Radically Awesome Relationships CLICK HERE and if you really want to improve your relationships in all areas of your life check this out-Successful Communication Made Simple Course

Need relationship help-you can book me directly

Love Mheyah 
Please connect with me at
www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com

facebook@connectionpointcentre
twitter@mheyahbailey
instagram@mheyahbailey
pinterest@mheyahbailey

Find out more about Mheyah

Communication is the single most important part of creating a healthy relationship. A relationship without communication is like a beautiful flower without water and sunlight, it will quickly wither and die. I don’t care if you think what you have to say is hurtful or you are afraid of expressing yourself, speak your Truth. Be kind, but speak up and be honest. It’s easy to communicate when it’s good news and happy times, but it takes a truly authentic and courageous person to communicate openly and honestly when darkness falls on a relationship.”– Jackson Kiddard, author & polymath.

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Are you there for me?


Bonus Tip of the Week-by Mheyah Bailey
Also published on MetroLiving Zine

The underlying question is: Are you there for me?

In a deeply committed love relationship, it helps you to see the best in your partner and to minimize their faults in your mind. It helps your bond to encourage them to be the best that they can be and to pursue their dreams and goals as individuals. Because you love your mate, it is important you become and remain their biggest cheerleader and fan, encouraging and supporting. It is important to show your love and appreciation in as many ways as you can. Sustaining a positive regard and respect for your partner is essential in maintaining a balanced perspective about your relationship.
When you disagree or are engaged in conflict, it is important to remain motivated to do everything that you can to settle your differences creating connection to restore harmony to your relationship.
Even when you are upset with your partner, it is essential you realize that your anger and feelings are your responsibility and your upset doesn’t mean that you don’t still love them. This will support you in knowing that your emotional upset is temporary; your love is deep-rooted, your attachment is secure and stable with a strong foundation of commitment, trust and respect.
Heart in Hand

Dr. John Gottman says that it important to recognize the cues from your mate that are a bid for affection during a challenging time. Keeping your positive regard always in your mind will help you see when your partner is reaching out to you or you can come up with your own cue that both of you are aware of to remind each other you are on the same team, allied for your relationship no matter what.
It appears to me that the one question in most relationships is: Are you there for me?
Make a list of all the things you value, respect and admire in your loved one, so that in time of conflict and upset you will have the list to remind you.
Just in case you forget and keep a look out for those bids for connection. They can be subtle.

Love Mheyah ♥
CLICK HERE for SUCCESSFUL COMMUNICATION MADE SIMPLE course

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Stop in the name of Love


Quick Tip on how to stop conflict 

STOP. Just stop.
stopIt takes two people to argue and create conflict so if you want your relationship to feel better, be more connected and loving if it is a personal relationship or a more collaborative and respectful working relationship, then one of you has to change the dynamic. It doesn’t matter who takes responsibility first but it only takes one person to shift the relationship in a positive direction.
You can do this. Once you are committed to a no arguing rule then you can look at what you are really wanting to argue about. We fight because we need something or a principle or value has been compromised. Once you are clear about what you are fighting for then you can express what you need in a positive way.

Quick view of a positive win win conversation:

1. Intention: What is important to you about the conversation?
2. Issue: Say what happened without blame
3. Feel: Share how are you feeling
4. Need: Say what your needs, values, principles or beliefs are.
5. Ask: Tell the other person how they can help the situation and ask if they are able and willing to help
I can guarantee you have the power to make positive shifts in all your relationships
To learn more Relationship Rescue Strategies click here or To claim your 30-minute “Relationship Rescue Coaching Session” simply reply or directly book your FREE session


Love Mheyah 

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Let’s talk about SEX


How many times a week do you think couples should be having sex?

Well the real answer is, as many times as suits the couple. Everyone is different and as long as both partners are happy with the frequency then all is good.

Here is the thing. Sex is the highest form of communication and all that ‘conversation stuff’ is all foreplay. So let’s talk about how communication, conversations and connection ties in with having great sex.

The truth is, sex is all about communication and is our most intimate form of communicating with our partners.
"love and heart"How we connect with others comes naturally to some and not so naturally to others but is essential for building awesome relationships. We communicate and transmit information all day long; I am available or not, I am open or not, I am relaxed or not, I like you or not, I love you or not. I want to have sex or not. The absence of good communication between couples can cause many problems, pain, misunderstandings, conflict, disconnection, lack of harmony and love, and yes when this happens can mean less sex too. This is how we end up in the proverbial catch-22 of disconnection. We feel upset with our partners or they are upset with us and we disconnect emotionally and then disengage physically and we end up in the relationship spiral of doom. We need physical intimacy to feel happy and connected emotionally and we need emotional connection to have great physical intimacy.

A lot of couples don’t want to have sexual contact when they are upset and feel emotional disconnected so they go round and round getting more emotionally and physically distant and the great relationship divide has happened. It can be so discouraging and disheartening.
4855659-3d-rendering-of-a-heart-with-barbed-wire-around-itI would like to suggest that our relationships don’t need to go through this painful process. We communicate with our actions, what we say or don’t say, and we can certainly learn to communicate more effectively to increase positive connection with our partners. Love after all is an action word.

To have more love, quality connection, passion and intimacy in your life you must be more loving and this is where being able to communicate in more loving ways will elevate your relationship to levels of AWESOME-ness.
No relationship can be truly happy, fulfilling & successful without knowing how to express yourself to the important people in your life. We all want to feel valued, loved, respected, to feel special and important and I can guarantee you learning new ways to communicate will bring you more of what you want.

Relationships need safety and healthy attachment to thrive. The one question we all need to know from our partners is, “are you there for me” and when we trust that someone is there for us it builds an awesome level of intimacy and connection and yes this is the space for great sex.

If you relationship is not thriving in the way you would like and you don’t understand why not, ask yourself what you could do to improve connection with your love.
"love held in our hands"

Here is a list of ideas to get you started with reconnecting. Think of the whole day as foreplay. Love is in the Details.
I am sure you can come up with a few of your own as well.

  1. positively engage, listen, be curious
  2. be calm and non-reactive, explain what you need and want clearly
  3. be appreciative and grateful for what your partner brings to the relationship, thank them for the things they do 
  4. share common interests, time together
  5. laugh with each other
  6. be openly affectionate, look at her/him directly
  7. be transparent and trustworthy
  8. do not criticize, blame or judge
  9. put your phone away
  10. check in for 20 minutes everyday
  11. smile at each other
  12. text little things during the day ????
  13. gifts for no special reason are nice????
  14. look after yourself which means you take care of yourself, body, mind and soul
  15. grow, learn, create, be inspired
  16. be happy
  17. kiss????
  18. celebrate
  19. offer to help, support, be of value
  20. be loving, caring, kind, compassionate

As Rumi says; Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

Need relationship help-you can book me directly

loveLove Mheyah 
Please connect with me at
www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com

facebook@connectionpointcentre
twitter@mheyahbailey
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How to deal with other people’s Big Feelings

 

6 Ways to deal with other people’s “Big Feelings” by Mheyah Bailey

I ran out of compassion, curiousity and courage the other day. All the important relationship principles were here in my heart and head, and then in a flash they were gone and I mean gone.
I am again reminded of how hard it is to stay grounded when someone else is yelling, upset and angry. I think I should qualify that. Anyone can yell and it doesn’t affect me, however if someone I love and care about yells and is upset, that is a completely different story.

I have a tendency to fall into complete trauma when anyone yells at me and appears to be angry with me. I interpret angry loud communication, which in our family we call Big Feelings, as very threatening to the relationship, could possible mean the relationship is over, I have been bad in some way and I am not loved. It hits me in my most vulnerable place of fear of losing love, not being good enough or not being loveable.
That is my old story and sometimes my history really jumps up and bites me, as my brain seems to have a mind of it’s own and just goes off into this weird place of threat and fear. I felt blindsided by my vulnerable self and couldn’t hang onto my adult, mature self. Counselors are human after all.
kid-tantrum-stubborn-brat

Well the truth is that our brains actually do that. If anyone has been the recipient of trauma or abuse then the trauma is most likely hardwired into the brain. That is essentially what PTSD is and sometimes when I am surprised by what I perceive as an attack I melt down just like I would have as a child in the face of abandonment and rejection.
I know in my logical brain that isn’t true but in the heat of the moment I have to talk my way into a calmer more rational place. So how does one self soothe during relationship conflict, stress, trauma or drama? I believe it is much the same for a lot of people and is how arguments start because both parties feel they must defend themselves from attack. The trick is to self soothe so you don’t fall into defensiveness and attack back.

It is particularly damaging to live with negative emotions such as contempt, judgment and anger and is up to both parties to learn to be responsible for their reactions and responses.

This article however is for you, while dealing with an upset person. 

Here are 6 actions you can do to help yourself when someone else is really upset.

  1. Cry and run away. Just kidding, that was my 6 year old talking
  1. Set a Boundary and take a time out- hold up the hand and say I need time out and I will talk to you when you stop raising your voice and I feel calm.
    No one deserves to be yelled at and you don’t need to take responsibility for someone else’s feelings. It is their responsibility to learn to share their feelings in a positive and healthy way. Your part is to set a boundary about what kind of treatment you will accept. The person with the Big Feelings is most likely not able to soothe themselves yet, so it is up to you to create the space for everyone to return to calm. It doesn’t mean the issue has gone away, it just means both parties can return to the conversation and find resolution. A time out is essential so that you have the time to self soothe, calm down, become conscious of your own feelings, needs and values and return to a place of commitment, curiousity, compassion and courage. Remind yourself ‘I am not responsible for anyone else’s feelings’
    boundaries-1
  2. Don’t take it personally As you are taking your time out remember and repeat ‘this isn’t about me’ ‘this isn’t about me’  ‘this isn’t about me’
    Someone who is upset, angry and expressing themselves loudly is most likely feeling hurt, in pain and feeling threatened in some way themselves, so it is vital to not make up any stories about what it all means and remember that it says more about them than it does about you and repeat ‘I am not responsible for anyone else’s feelings’

    nothing anyone says or does means anything about you

  3. Breathe deeply, concentrate on breathing from your stomach and as the old saying goes count to 10 or maybe even 100. We forget to breath and when we are faced with conflict, stress or trauma we start to breath very shallow which deprives the brain and organs of much need oxygen. If you notice you are breathing in your upper chest, stand against a wall and breath through your lower abdomen. It will increase oxygen and automatically relieve stress and repeat ‘I am not responsible for someone else’s feelings’Keep Calm
  4. See a counselor or coach to work through your brain wiring, communication skills, boundary setting and other roadblocks to contentment and successful relationships.
    Some counselors and coaches including myself offer crisis management if you need to connect with someone for support either through email or phone calls. I have found it can be very beneficial to support my clients through conflict in the moment rather than wait until the event is over. It can help uncover those hidden core tapes that are usually the cause of our reactions.
    There are many techniques to achieve calm in the face of stress through meditation, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitizing Reprocessing) hypnosis, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) just to name a few and repeat ‘ I am not responsible for some else’s feelings’DSC_2976
  5. Meditate for 10 to 30 minutes. There are many options out there for meditating and is probably the most valuable tool for soothing oneself and changing the state of your brain from stress to calm. There are abundant resources for guided meditations or meditating on your own. Either way meditating is the best solution for taking a step back, self soothe and reminding yourself ‘you are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings’
    TimeOut
  6. Remind yourself what you are responsible for. You are only responsible to stay responsibly connected. What does that mean? Well I can tell you what it doesn’t mean first. It doesn’t mean, that you accept abuse, disrespect, contempt, judgment, accusations, blame, criticism, name calling etc.
    What it does mean is that you recognize and can discern that someone is just upset and lost their ‘stuff’ You know that you trust them and yourself to remain in the relationship until it is resolved, that you are responsible for your own reactions, responses and feelings and have learned communication skills that creates connection rather than disconnection and that you really, really get, that your are not responsible for some else’s feelings but you are responsible for responding with awareness of yourself, compassion, curiousity, love, courage and are committed to collaborating to resolve the issue.
    Screen Shot 2015-02-27 at 9.04.29 AM

 

loveLove Mheyah 
Please connect with me at
www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com

facebook@connectionpointcentre
twitter@mheyahbailey
instagram@mheyahbailey
pinterest@mheyahbailey

Find out more about Mheyah