Bonus Tip of the Week
“Deep committed love helps you to see the best in your partner and to minimize her (or his) faults. It helps you to encourage them to be the best that they can be and to pursue their dreams and goals as individuals. Because of your love for your mate, you become their biggest cheerleader and fan. You want to show your love and appreciation in as many ways as you can. Keeping a positive regard for your partner is essential in maintaining a balanced perspective about your relationship.
When you disagree or are engaged in conflict, you are motivated to do everything that you can to settle your differences, creating connection to restore harmony to your relationship.
Even when you are upset with your partner, you realize that your anger and feelings are your responsibility and doesn’t mean that you don’t still love them . The emotional tempest is temporary; your love is deep-rooted and stable with a strong foundation of commitment and trust”
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Accept others for who they are and for the choices they’ve made even if you have difficulty understanding their beliefs, motives, or actions.
Break away from everything that stands in the way of what you hope to accomplish with your life.
Create a family of friends whom you can share your hopes, dreams, sorrows, and happiness with.
Decide that you’ll be successful and happy come what may, and good things will find you. The roadblocks are only minor obstacles along the way.
Explore and experiment. The world has much to offer, and you have much to give. And every time you try something new, you’ll learn more about yourself.
Forgive and forget. Grudges only weigh you down and inspire unhappiness and grief. Soar above it, and remember that everyone makes mistakes.
Leave the childhood monsters behind. They can no longer hurt you or stand in your way.
Hope for the best and never forget that anything is possible as long as you remain dedicated to the task.
Ignore the negative voice inside your head. Focus instead on your goals and remember your accomplishments. Your past success is only a small inkling of what the future holds.
Journey to new worlds, new possibilities, by remaining open-minded. Try to learn something new every day, and you’ll grow.
Know that no matter how bad things seem, they’ll always get better. The warmth of spring always follows the harshest winter.
Let love fill your heart instead of hate. When hate is in your heart, there’s room for nothing else, but when love is in your heart, there’s room for endless happiness.
Manage your time and your expenses wisely, and you’ll suffer less stress and worry. Then you’ll be able to focus on the important things in life.
Never ignore the poor, infirm, helpless, weak, or suffering. Offer your assistance when possible, and always your kindness and understanding.
Open your eyes and take in all the beauty around you. Even during the worst of times, there’s still much to be thankful for.
Never forget to have fun along the way. Success means nothing without happiness.
Ask many questions, be ever so curious because you’re here to learn.
Refuse to let worry and stress rule your life, and remember that things always have a way of working out in the end. Trust and have faith
Share your talent, skills, knowledge, and time with others. Everything that you invest in others will return to you many times over.
Even when your dreams seem impossible to reach, try anyway. You’ll be amazed by what you can accomplish.
Use your gifts to your best ability. Talent that’s wasted has no value. Talent that’s used will bring unexpected rewards.
Value the friends and family members who’ve supported and encouraged you, and be there for them as well. Find value everywhere and in everyone.
Work hard every day to be the best person you can be, but never feel guilty if you fall short of your goals. Every sunrise offers a second chance.
Look deep inside the hearts of those around you and you’ll see the goodness and beauty within.
Yield to commitment. If you stay on track and remain dedicated, you’ll find success at the end of the road.
Zoom to a happy place when bad memories or sorrow rears its ugly head. Let nothing interfere with your goals. Instead, focus on your abilities, your dreams, and a brighter tomorrow.
I thought everyone would appreciate this lovely poem. Hope you all have a great day, don’t let your fears get in the way, have compassion for everyone and enjoy being your truest self………….that is truly what love is.
“Love is above all the Gift of Oneself” Tasso
How to Communicate Effectively and Create Loving Connection
People tend to say “communication is key” or “you have to communicate to have a good relationship” but honestly, what is good communication? How is it going to help you create a more loving, peaceful and passionate relationship with your partner?
Simply put, good communication is “heart to heart connection” When we speak from our hearts we are being honest and authentic about ourselves creating more understanding, enabling us to resolve conflicts and show deeper love and appreciation, developing a stronger intimate bond with our significant other or other people important in our lives. I am imagining you may be asking “Well, how do I do that, and what does “heart to heart communication” really mean? “
When you have created “heart to heart connection” using the Four C’s , love, respect, & understanding can be truly ignited and maintained, creating more intimate and fulfilling loving relationships.
There are 5 key elements to great heart centered communication.
1. Consciousness: You need to really know yourself, become aware of your own feelings, needs, vulnerabilities and values and how you become emotionally reactive in relationship with your loved one. This can be very challenging to learn as it means we all need to become more aware of our underlying feelings, which in conflict or disagreement can be a real struggle. We are usually quite aware of our secondary emotions which show up as feeling upset, annoyed, frustrated, overwhelmed or angry and in our typical way of interacting we are unaware of our underlying primary feelings of fear, hurt, anxiety, sadness, vulnerability, insecurity, shame, feeling unloved, to name only a few.
It takes awareness and practice to notice our real feelings and takes courage to express them (see bottom of article on how to do this) Usually these are more vulnerable feelings and ones we would prefer not to acknowledge or share with anyone. When we communicate from this more authentic place others can hear us differently and you can collaborate to resolve differences from understanding each other’s deeper feelings, needs and values. This in turn creates a stronger connection between you.
We all need to learn to take responsibility for our own feelings in relationship and learn that there is no room for “blaming or criticism” in any relationship. Blaming/Criticism is one bad habit of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” which Dr. John Gottman says will doom any relationship to conflict and potential failure.
The hint here is to only share how you are feeling, what is important to you, without blaming or criticizing anyone else for your experience. When we learn that each circumstance or upset, no matter what, is our own responsibility, we are becoming emotionally intelligent. How we react to our feelings about anything or anyone says more about our own beliefs, perspectives and imaginings than it does about them or what you may believe they are doing to you.
When I am reacting and not sure of why I am having a reaction I ask myself: what am I thinking, how am I judging, what am I resisting or attached to and I try to remember not to believe everything I think.
2. Listening: You need to be able to listen without judgment or interrupting. SSSSHHHH. Listening does not mean that your mouth is moving or that your brain is already in rebuttal mode, it means that you are entirely engaged with your partners experience, how they are feeling as they struggle to express what is going on for them. It means that you don’t assume that you already know and understand what your partner is trying to express, it doesn’t mean that you take any of what they are saying personally.
It means you are LISTENING INTENTLY to what is being said, what is happening for them, what has upset them, what your partner values and how they want something to be different to fulfill a need they have. A need could be as simple as tidiness or as important as respect, but all worthy of your time, compassion, cooperation and collaboration to resolve.
Then when you have managed this huge feat of listening, you need to find some more…………….
3. Compassion Again: You need to have an endless well of compassion. Empathy and compassion are the underlying premise of all heart to heart conversations and is the cord between your two hearts. Compassion is different than sympathy and is simply the ability to remain in your loving heart and be with your partner’s pain even when it is sometimes directed at you. This can be very difficult to actually achieve, however it is vitally important to a loving relationship. You also need to be able to reflect back what you partner is expressing and how it makes sense to you knowing your loved ones values.
Compassionate Reflection is the action required after listening, to show your partner you have heard and understood what they have communicated.
For instance, my son is (occasionally) lovely at showing compassion. When I am upset he will ask me what I need, what is going on and then after sharing how I feel he will say something like “Oh Mom I can hear you are feeling hurt and that makes sense to me knowing how relationships are so important to you and how much you value your friendships”
Amazing young man, he acknowledged what I was feeling, reflected back compassionately and understood my feelings based on what he knows to be my values. I feel heard, understood and accepted and to be honest for me, that equates to feeling loved.
“When you truly put your heart on the line and invest selflessly into your relationships you are putting yourself in a vulnerable place but it pays off and the rewards are endless”
quote by one “heart centered compassionate wise “16 year old son.
Can you name one person who doesn’t like being understood, acknowledged and appreciated? I know I can’t.
4. Curiousity & Collaboration: It is invaluable to be deeply interested in what your partner is expressing, reflect what you heard, check it out, make sure what you heard is what your partner intended to mean, and do your best to understand what is important to them and what they are asking for..
Have you ever listened to a child who is curious about something? They are unequalled in their persistence to get the answers so they can understand.
Curiousity shows that you care, that you are interested, that your partner is important to you and if you can stay curious even in times of conflict, then you have most likely vanquished relationship killers “Assuming and taking things Personally”
This is also where the Second Horseman of the Apocalypse – Defensiveness must not gallop into the relationship. The opposite of curiousity is defending and if you want a deeply intimate connection with your loved one then it is important to stay present to what is happening, what is trying to happen and collaboratively decide what needs to happen going forward. Being curious about your partner’s life, how they experience it and appreciate their perspective is the key to love and connection and creates an unbreakable bond between you and your partner.
5. Body Language: You need to be open. Your body language says a lot about you and whether you are open and accepting of your partner and what they are saying to you, or whether you are being defensive or distant. We can give a whole different message if we are not conscious of how we are physically showing up. We need to have an open body stance without crossed arms, eye to eye contact and affectionate reassuring touch so our partners can feel our availability, our love and acceptance even in conflict.
It is vitally important that we do not give in to the Third and Fourth Horseman – Distancing and Contempt and are close cousins. Distancing or withdrawing is obvious in that nothing can be resolved if you are physically or emotionally unavailable for communication and connection and may send a message to your partner that they are unimportant. Contempt can be subtle but is an extremely negative signal that is not only physically damaging to the receiver but is the main cause of relationship failure. Contempt can be as small a gesture as an “eyeball roll” a “downturn of the lip” signifying judgment and disapproval, to the extreme of condescending comments and disdainful or disapproving put downs. If a person lives with contempt it increases their chances of ill health and depression. So I want to encourage you all to refrain from any contemptuous behavior. Compassion is the antidote to contempt, and body language shows love and acceptance through being in a relaxed open posture with eye to eye connection.
So now you have the basic “4 C’s of Great Communication “which if used regularly will create more love, fulfillment and passion in your relationship.
Consciousness + Compassion + Collaboration + Curiousity = Loving Connection
I hope that these insights have been helpful for creating loving connections with your partner.
Relationship Self-Reflection & Accountability
You are the primary caregiver of all of your own needs physically, emotionally & spiritually. If you find yourself triggered and feeling anxious & panicked it is important to take some time to reflect on the real causes of the upset so as to not damage your relationships. Here are some ideas to help you stay with your own process and not get into the judging and blame game with your partner
Here are a few questions we all can ask ourselves in regards to the issue at hand:
1. What am I feeling? Check in with your body, what can you feel and check in with what you are thinking, what am I saying to myself this means. Is it about something else current or historical?
Am I being triggered? Why might that be? What story are you telling yourself?
2. Given these feelings, what do I need or want? How can I take responsibility and care for this? If appropriate, what do I need from my partner? Be concrete & specific ie: compassion, listening, acknowledgement……..
3.Through compassion and curiosity spend some time contemplating: What is my partner’s perspective? Their feelings & needs based on what you know about them or by what they are expressing?
4. Is there anything that I need to take responsibility for regarding the relationship issue at hand? Am I causing disconnection & suffering? What am I doing that is contributing to the problem? Ie: self defeating games like using my anger, quitting, lying, being defensive, blaming, criticizing and using contempt to name a few. What do I need to validate & acknowledge in my partner’s experience?
5. How will I share this information? Considering tone, timing, and honestly asking yourself: Am I ready (are you still reactive)? Am I coming from a place of love and an open heart with the intention to achieve understanding and to create connection?
“It has been said that the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives”Some of my favourite reading suggestions are:
WOMEN’S EMPOWERMENT GROUP
This is a group for women to EMPOWER and support each other, ENLIGHTEN and raise our level of awareness, heal, EXPLORE our own process, ENHANCE learning, grow, EXCITE our lives and see possibilities and ELEVATE our potential to be the best we can be. This group is for any women experiencing life in any way, wanting a safe and secure place for support, to set new goals, illuminate new perspectives and learn new ways of being to enhance all their relationships, heal ourselves and create the lives we dream of in harmony with our values and needs.
My hope is that we will develop a group of women committed to living more consciously that will create more “happyness” and fulfillment for each of us in all areas of our lives. The group will have no specific agenda other than to support and learn from each other as we process individually what we want to be working on, where we need to grow, stretch, learn and change to have more of what we want in our lives. I imagine some members will want to learn more about themselves and the world around us, achieve more peace and fulfillment, become more of their best selves, work towards better relationships, make new goals, make lifestyle changes, want to heal past issues, have support or just be in a community of others willing to listen to whatever is happening in life. We are here to EMPOWER, ENLIGHTEN, ENHANCE, EXCITE, ELEVATE and support each other.
I will be facilitating the group and there will be a format to follow but some days we will just celebrate all of who we are as women, mothers, partners, daughters, friends, lovers, creators of our universe………My goal is to have a 10 -12 women in the group on a regular basis once every 3 weeks on Thursday evening from 6:30- 9:30. The meeting will be on the North Shore starting Nov 17, Dec 8 and then reconvening January 12 to start on a regular schedule. If you are inspired and would like more information please call Mheyah at 778-881-0410 or email firstname.lastname@example.org. You can also find me at www.loveactuallycommunications.com
Another slam dunk by my friend Mastin Kipp of The Daily Love
What he writes is so true. We all have a right to our feelings, our emotions, our own experience and to responsibly share this with others makes us real & authentic, creating deeper and more intimate relationships with everyone.
Great article, happy reading. Let me know how you feel 😉
Our emotions are not a burden, neither to us nor to the people in our lives.
Our emotions are real and they are valid. If we are to be happy, we must begin to step into not only loving our emotions, but also finding healthy ways to express them.
We can’t build intimacy with anyone in our life without the ability to express our emotions and feel safe doing so.
Many people have written in to WhatImGoingThru@TheDailyLove.com and shared how they feel guilty for expressing their emotions, even though they feel their life is a blessing. They feel that their emotions are a burden and shouldn’t be expressed unless they are totally 100% positive.
But you see, anyone who only wants us to express “positive” emotions (including ourselves) doesn’t have true unconditional love for us. Rather, they have a conditional kind of love that can only handle the “good”. This is probably for good reason, namely because everyone is going through something and many folks don’t want even MORE negativity in their life.
However, for us to really love each other we must become willing to accept all parts of ourselves and others – not just the positive. Unconditional love means full acceptance of someone (including ourselves) exactly where they are. This is not a license to be a push over, or to be a negative Nancy and just complain all the time. We must also take responsibility for our emotions and our life circumstance and step into an empowered perspective of all things.
But, at the same time, if we wish to experience love in our relationships, we must also step into the courage to be able to share what we are feeling without guilt, shame or feeling as if we are burdening ourselves and others. It is not through the negation of our emotions that we come closer together, but through the loving exposure of our emotions that we build trust and intimacy.
We all deeply desire to be seen and one of the best ways to feel seen is to be able to share about what we’re going through and how we are feeling and know that we aren’t going to be judged, condemned or attacked for our expression.
So today, let’s set the following intentions:
1. To be more open and accepting to the people in our lives and to want to generally know how they are feeling and what they are going through. Let us drop the judgment and simply just be present to whatever they are feeling. When we say, “How was your day” or “How are you?” let’s mean it and be present.
2. Let us also be present and have respect for OUR emotions. Let us step into radical acceptance of how we are feeling and learn from our emotions rather than suppress them. Let us be willing to become vulnerable and expose ourselves and if we find certain people in our lives are not willing to accept us as we are and where we are, let us reconsider their role in our lives. Let us go where the love is and let ourselves be seen by people who have the capacity to see us.
So, can you open up a little today, to your emotions and the emotions of those you love? Let us not judge, but simply be a loving presence for each other.
How does that feel?
This is another wonderful article by Mastin Kipp at www.thedailylove.com
I feel like there is no point in me writing anything because he says it all so well so I am sharing in hopes of inspiring you all to be your best selves and that you will create a life full of happiness, love, fulfillment and live a life full of purpose and passion. Love Mheyah
Countless folks have written and have shared about relationships that have gone awry. They feel like they’ve been living a lie, or are mad because they gave everything to the person they were with and now that the relationship is over, they feel like they have been left high and dry.
There are TWO major things to remember when it comes to relationships:
1. Make sure it works for you before you get into it.
2. As you go along, continue to tell your truth, even if you think it will hurt the other person.
You see, when we ignore the things that make us happy in order to please someone else, we are betraying ourselves and actually the other person. Why is this? Because when we abandon what makes us happy to make someone else happy, we are no longer showing up in the relationship fulfilled. And that is what we owe the other person – our joy and fulfillment. If we only live to make someone else happy, that path leads to resentment, anger and jealously – amongst other things.
But, when we make sure that our creative, spiritual, physical and sexual needs are being met, we can show up happy and joyful. It’s ultimately not the other person’s responsibility to make sure you are happy and fulfilled – it’s yours.
The other thing is, as you go along and grow along in your relationships, it’s vitally important to be able to tell the truth, even if you think it’s going to hurt the other person. The temporary pain of the truth far outweighs the long and drawn out subtle pain of living a lie. Also, you make your partner small when you don’t tell them the truth. Chances are, they can handle it, and if they can’t – that’s a major red flag. Remember you are worthy of AWESOME LOVE and AWESOME LOVE goes hand in hand with being able to tell the truth. Living a lie also leads to anger, resentment, jealously and the like.
The bottom line is this – let us never abandon ourselves to please others. Let us remember that relationships are sent to us to grow and learn from and ultimately they are supposed to make us HAPPY!! :o) We can only truly show up and be happy when all our needs are being met, so it is up to us to make sure that’s happening and then the other person if off the hook.
So…. Does your relationship work for you and are you telling the truth? Yes or no? If no, how can YOU change to either make this relationship work, or let go of it and find one that does work for you? Let me know………
|The fundamental power of being human is the power of choice. We are choosing, either consciously or unconsciously, in every moment. We are choosing what relationships we have in our lives, where we go, what we do and how we interpret events.
I have noticed a pattern within a lot of the people who are sending in emails. This is a very interesting pattern because it can be helpful and hurtful depending on when and how we CHOOSE to engage in this pattern.
The pattern is this: most of the TDL readers are Western readers, or highly influenced by the West and the West’s drive, ambition and spirit of expansion and capitalism. Let’s call this type of person “an achiever”. They like to get things done. They like to have awesome stuff. They like to knock everything off their to do list. They like to be in charge and in control.
This habit is great for building business and all kinds of other things. Getting things done and getting them done now is awesome – at the proper time. The problem I’m seeing is that many of us tend to take this same exact mentality into our relationships.
This is a big no no. We can’t “manage” our partners, we can’t “have a relationship unfold in a time frame”, there is no “deadline”, “profit margin” or “manageable to do list” when it comes to our relationships.
When we CHOOSE to treat other people like a project that we want to control, they don’t like that. They don’t feel loved, accepted and free to be themselves. And since every thriving relationship is based on TRUST, this type of action takes us away from trust.
The greatest CHOICE we can make in relationships is to take our hands off the wheel. This is not to say that we should have low standards, not pick loving and awesome people to be in relationship with or tolerate abuse. No, this statement is made with the assumption that we have already chosen a healthy person to be in relationship with.
Once we take our hands off the wheel, we let go of expectation, the desire to control and manipulate, we can allow ourselves to feel our feelings of fear and express them. This will create intimacy with the right person. If someone can’t handle your truth, they may not be the person for you.
The goal and idea is to CHOOSE to be present and take our relationships one day at a time. In fact, many times we want to engage our relationships in the opposite manner in which we engage projects and our work.
It’s scary because we like to achieve and we like to know with certainty what the outcome will be. But that is not how relationships work. They are a leap of faith. And we leap knowing that we will either be with the raddest person for the rest of our lives, or we will learn a beautiful and awesome lesson.
So the greatest form of control is to CHOOSE to give up control – to let go of the outcome and to just show up, one day at a time, fully present and in integrity and authenticity.
What would that look like for you? What would you do differently? What would you choose to let go of? What would you choose to step into?
This is an awesome article. Have a great day completing yourself. Love Mheyah
You Complete You by Mastin Kipp of The Daily Love
Love is complete. Your soulmate doesn’t “complete you” – your soulmate is a reflection of you. Be whole, not a half.
So many people run around looking for someone “to complete them”. But the thing is, everyone is a fallible human being, so no one can complete you and ever live up to your expectations.
That is why it is so important to keep our eyes on The Uni-verse and Its Love for us. The Love of The Uni-verse never changes. Other people change, other people mess up, but The Uni-verse is constantly on our side, Loving us and showing us how we can grow even closer to happiness and Love.
True Love is being so full of self-love and the Love of The Uni-verse that you have more than enough Love to hold your own darkness and light and the darkness and light of the other people. True Love is radical acceptance of yourself and the person you are in a relationship with.
Looking for someone to complete you is to deny your innate potential to be an already full and integrated being. You are giving someone else a power that only you have.
The Jerry McGuire type of Love can happen, but it’s a setup for all kinds of dysfunction. We have no idea how they did after the movie ended.
Also, making someone else the source of your fulfillment means that if they are not having a good day, acting in integrity or desiring to grow, then you are stuck. It’s a giant anchor holding you down.
In relationship, we either grow together or we grow apart. The Uni-verse is constantly guiding us to greater and greater awareness or ourselves and as a result our Highest Potential. Relationships are containers for growth, not containers for proving how much pain you can endure for someone else.
When we make someone else the only thing that completes us, we can easily blame them, but the blame belongs on us for giving them that power in the first place.
Let’s take our power back and take our eyes off of ourselves and our partners and remember the Source from which we came and which we are all apart of right now. We are a drop of water coming home to the beautiful ocean from which we came. In doing do, we can merge into a wave and do far more connected to this Source than we ever could do alone or with another person.
Has your mate ever said the words “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you”? If your answer is yes, then you’re not alone. It happens every day, in every community.
Read here to learn what Mort Fertel says about the real meaning of LOVE
When a person says, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,” they’re saying that I CARE about you but I’m not EXCITED about you. CARING about someone is a good thing. It’s reflective of CONCERN. But it’s different then love. I care about the starving children in Africa, but I don’t love them.
Being EXCITED about someone is also a good thing. But it’s different than love. I might be excited to have a relationship with the President of the United States or a Hollywood star, but that doesn’t mean I love them. While someone who says, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you” seems to be making a distinction between “different loves,” in fact, they are expressing their confusion about what love really is.
And that’s why they’re having marital problems and maybe even an affair (because who are they IN LOVE with?).
Love is something we articulate in the vocabulary of ACTION. Love is a verb. It’s not a feeling you get from another PERSON; it’s an experience you receive as a result of DEEDS YOU DO for another person.
And those deeds are not a secret. In other words, love is NOT a mystery! There are specific things you can do with your spouse to solve your problems and build love in your marriage.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger.
It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable-you can “make” love.
Very often in my private coaching sessions, someone will say to me, “I love my spouse, but I’m not IN LOVE with my spouse.”
My immediate response is to ask, “Can you list for me 5 ways in the last week that you’ve DEMONSTRATED your love for your spouse?”
Learning to be the ‘RIGHT” partner is more important than finding the “RIGHT” partner.
“I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you” is a cop out. It basically means that a person is saying “I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM so I’m exiting to get high from another short-term romance”
But whoever they’re IN LOVE with now will also eventually hear, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you.” Of course, this is all fine and good, but it’s really your spouse who needs to hear this, right? Getting your spouse from “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you” to “Okay, let’s give this another chance” can be a tricky task when they don’t understand the meaning of what love really is.
Seeking a professional could be the difference between divorce and your marriage thriving.
This is a great article on what love really is and what it really isn’t
Hope you have a great day and go in love. Mheyah
Mheyah Bailey RPC
Connection Point Counselling.com
Love Actually Communications.com