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The Power of APPRECIATION

Relationship Revolution- The Power of Appreciation by Mheyah Bailey

I have recently been re-inspired by witnessing the power of APPRECIATION
and reminded in a big way by an amazing couple I have met, the value and importance of APPRECIATION and how much LOVE really is an action word.

I have been living in the UK for the last 2 years and I have noticed the subtleties in the differences between Canadian and English communication styles, which has nothing to do with the differences in our accents, but more to do with the differences in our culture. It is so interesting that we can be so different considering we speak the same language.  I have found myself being acutely aware of what I say and how I say it and listening to people here with a new level of awareness. I will however leave this rather large topic for another newsletter, but instead focus today on a universal human commonality that is just as important here in the UK or Canada or Anywhere.
I was beautifully reminded by this young couple of how very, very, VERY important APPRECIATION is to the well being of ourselves individually, and how much expressing APPRECIATION positively impacts the happiness, fulfillment and security of relationships.
Everyday I am privileged to witness love and honoured to support people in their fears around the perceived loss of love, and all the complications that being in relationship brings to us. I teach couples how to get to the heart of the matter so they can create more connection, work collaboratively and remember why they chose each other in the first place. I welcome the challenges so people can learn more about themselves, each other, what they need and value and how to improve their communication so they can learn to celebrate differences, help them learn not to take things personally and make their relationships more positive, connected and full of love.

I will showAt the heart of this is that we all need to feel APPRECIATED, HEARD, ACKNOWLEDGED , RECOGNIZED and WITNESSED for all that makes us SPECIAL & UNIQUE, for the things we do everyday and the contributions we make in large and small ways personally, professionally or globally. It doesn’t matter how you contribute or what you do or what motivates you, whether it is cooking a meal so your family can eat, getting up that one extra time at night with the baby so your partner can have some valuable sleep, going out everyday to work to support the family, speaking at the UN on some new important policy that will impact the safety of the world, running the government, building houses, setting broken bones, creating art, designing technology……………………….. We are all motivated to do the things we do, by many diverse personal needs and values whether it is love, commitment, responsibility, money, creativity or intellect and so many other motivators, some positive and some not so much.
I imagine that you understand to some degree that we all get a sense of personal fulfillment in one way or another from making those choices to do what we do, as we all have hopes, values, needs and dreams and our actions are in service of fulfilling those, however, what I witnessed the other day was how important it is to be APPRECIATED by those around us and especially from those we love and care about.

“Nothing is done in this world without hope” MLK jr

In my experience in life, personally and professionally, it seems to be such an important ingredient to feel APPRECIATED and to have HOPE of that eventuality, which to most of us equates to feeling LOVED.
I witnessed a couple I am privileged to be coaching, such a compelling understanding of the importance of feeling APPRECIATED, that I am convinced that one of the main reasons relationships break down is because of this lack of feeling APPRECIATED, whether it is a couple, family, friend or professional relationship.
Our level of satisfaction and fulfillment will undoubtedly suffer because of a lack of appreciation. The majority of people who look outside their relationships, look for new jobs or a change in circumstances, generally are looking for appreciation, understanding and a connection for which they feel is lacking in their current relationships or situations.
love-and-appreciation
Dr. John Gottman from his Love Lab research, says that our interactions with others needs to be a ratio of 6 positive engagements to one negative, and if the balance is off there will be a definite decline in the quality and satisfaction in the relationship.

It really doesn’t take a lot to show APPRECIATION which is a close cousin to good old fashioned manners. Psychology teaches us that people are motivated to contribute to the greater good and feeling appreciated and valued for what we contribute is the currency for feeling fulfillment and happiness. It doesn’t mean that we need to have appreciation to contribute, it just means that it can be more fulfilling and meaningful and ensure our continued interest in contributing if we do. OK I admit it, I am not Mother Theresa and I really value knowing I made a difference in someone’s life. I am far more motivated by APPRECIATION than money 🙂
So judge me if you will but I think APPRECIATION is a very important human need and I think we can all forget to show our appreciation for others and fall into the trap of taking our relationships for granted. So if LOVE is an ACTION word, APPRECIATION is the currency for fulfillment, and we need to keep the balance of a 6 to 1 ratio of positive to negative, then how are you going to show your appreciation to others today.

appreciation-dayHere are some suggestions.
1. Notice and acknowledge a job completed
2. Say thank you to someone for the difference they make in your life, even the little things, because the little things are really important. (I think I may not have thanked my husband for bringing me tea in bed every morning)
3. Doing the APPRECIATION exercise. Three things I really appreciate about you today is……….and this works great with your children (or employees) and helps build their confidence, self esteem and their trust in their value to their community or family in the case of ones children
4. Do something for someone without expectation of anything in return
5. Give positive feedback ie: Wow the dinner is amazing. Thank you for making it for us or thank you for ensuring those emails got out or….
6. Send a card to thank someone for something you really value they do or did for you
7. Hug people you care about, hug people just because…..
8. Say I love you and WHY you love them, not just the 3 words but add what it is about them that you value, admire and respect.
9. Call, text or email just because you want to positively connect
10. Notice all the jobs that get done and mention that you noticed
11. Leave a note of appreciation for someone to find. It’s called A NICE NOTE!
12. Use reflective listening so others know you really heard them

Try this process for acknowledgement. When you do……….I really feel………because it meets my needs and values for……..In your own words of course 🙂

I hope you have enjoyed this newsletter and would love to hear back how showing APPRECIATION impacted your day?

I deeply appreciate your time and letting me share some thoughts with you and thank you to the couple that inspired this article. You know who you are.
love Mheyah 

Please connect with me at
 www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com

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BOUNDARIES & THE CHAMPAGNE DILEMMA

Successful Communication Made Simple Series by Mheyah Bailey
also published on Metro LivingZine

The last couple of months we have been discussing what it means to be “Fiercely Accountable” This topic fits under the principle of Consciousness in the 5 Simple Steps for Successful Communication. Consciousness or awareness if you would rather is one of the fundamental qualities one needs to be a Stellar Communicator. When we talk about Consciousness I suggested that all healthy and successful relationships personally or professionally start with knowing yourself first and this is an important truth.
This week we will be discussing; to be Fiercely Accountable one must be able to tell others what you need and value and that means setting clear boundaries honestly and compassionately.
In our series so far we have discussed the principles and qualities one needs to be a great communicator and are learning what it takes to actually action these principles. We have chatted about the 5 principles that are necessary for stellar communication, Consciousness, Compassion, Curiousity, Courage and Commitment and we have also briefly touched on the 5 Simple Steps for Successful Communication: Intentions, Observations, Feelings, Values, Requests.

So we are moving on to setting boundaries and what that really means. Simply put, it means drawing a line in the sand and saying: this is me, this is who I am and this what I need and value.
Draw a Line

Boundaries are limits that you establish within yourself and express to others what’s acceptable to you, what’s not acceptable, what you’ll tolerate, what you’ll put up with and what the consequences are if your boundaries are crossed.
Boundaries have to do with your own self-respect, your self-esteem, your beliefs, your preferences, what you need and value and is truly being your most authentic and honest self.
Someone with healthy, established boundaries, for example, can and will say ‘NO’
So, if you have healthy established boundaries, you are comfortable saying ‘NO’ 
You don’t become stressed, or anxious or worry about it. If something’s not right for you, you can say ‘NO’ compassionately and collaboratively. If you can’t say “NO it can be a challenge to learn but is an important principle in any successful relationship.
A person with healthy, established boundaries can take responsibility for their own feelings and behavior. They don’t blame others for how they feel and don’t take on the role of victim. This is being Fiercely Accountable or even I would go so far as to say “Radically Responsible”

Fences

It is essential for any successful relationship that both individuals are able to clearly and compassionately communicate their boundaries to get their own needs met.  The ability to do this creates a healthy strong foundation for both people where they can trust each other to speak honestly and truthfully taking any guess work out of the equation.
It seems whenever I am inspired to write something it inevitably shows up in my life right in that very moment and I am reminded to live life through my principles and not compromise myself which can be the danger if I lose sight of my commitment to being Radically Responsible.

So not only did something completely personal show up about setting boundaries but also people started sharing their own stories where they need to set boundaries and show up with their truth, which I will share with you to illustrate what I mean.

This is a brief example of how relationships can be impacted by years of not sharing what you need and want and being clear with someone.
I am calling it the “Champagne Dilemma” 

Champagne

A friend of mine was sharing with me how he does not get on with his sister and as usual my curiosity compels me to enquire “in what way does he not get on with his sister” He started to explain that she doesn’t adhere to certain standards and when he arrives for some celebration or another, the champagne will be warm and in his opinion the food is less than optimal for a classy occasion. He believes certain standards are important when entertaining and this level of inattention to what is important to him has caused a rift in his relationship with his sister and he is unwilling to even visit anymore. Now when I heard this story I asked him, as one does, if he had considered mentioning how he feels about this to his sister. Of course the answer was a big NO, he would never want to upset his sister by telling her how he feels, but instead he has let it impact his relationship with her and they are not close as they once were. Now to be fair my friend is a foodie and owns 3 restaurants so you can see why this would be important to him and you can imagine my wonderings all the way home about this situation. Hope you can see where this is leading.

This is more about sharing ones preferences than needing to draw a line in the sand but it does illustrate how not sharing can be a doomsday for any relationship.
If my friend was compassionately clear about his preferences for chilled champagne with his sister imagine all the possibilities for better understanding of each other, which creates friendship and intimacy and hopefully a good laugh at our humanity at the end of the day.
He could suggest he bring the champagne and food to support his sister in creating the occasion. He could gently say, oh I see we have champagne again, I love champagne, would you mind if I throw it in the freezer to chill for a bit. I love my champagne a wee bit chilly LOL
The possibilities are endless as to how this could be resolved so my friend gets his needs met for what he values, and also preserve and possibly improve the connection between him and his sister (who I am sure is a lovely lady who just doesn’t think about the champagne in the same way her brother does) Can you think of any solutions that you would use?

To be Radically Responsible means my friend would own that this is his issue not his sisters and it is up to him to resolve it and to really look at his own response to the issue. I have this great formula I use when I have an issue come up. It really helps me identify what is going on for me and helps me see what I need or value and if I need to share how I feel or I need to work on my own ‘stuff’. Going through this exercise helps me discern what is my responsibility and what is someone else’s.
I look at the situation and ask myself three questions:

  1. What am I judging? Really don’t want to judge others.
  2. What am I resisting? Yup, that means I am resisting what is real and not accepting what is the truth in that moment.
  3. What am I attached to? Have to say life is way better when I am not attached to ‘stuff’ and ‘outcomes’ This is when I need to remind myself to TRUST. Trust in whatever is important to you.

boundaries-1 I think we all can sometimes fear that we may be rejected or cause upset if we express an opinion or ask for something we need and want. It’s a lovely quality to want to please someone you care about or work with, but some people don’t think they have a choice and saying “no” causes them anxiety and fear.. This can be called co-dependent behaviour however is not a behaviour that only co-dependent people engage in. Some people, co-dependent or not have a hard time saying “No” to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.

Boundaries make a divider between what is your responsibility and what is someone else’s responsibility, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. That’s where a lot of people get into trouble by having blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own feelings on others. It takes a lot of courage to set a clear boundary and then follow through in the face of the fear of potential consequences and equally some people have rigid boundaries, are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them.

So if you are unable to speak up and set healthy boundaries from a loving place, I would recommend you learn how. Speaking your truth is a loving courageous act to oneself and another and could save your partnerships in your life and create more authentic and honest connections with everyone. I believe it is our purpose in life to become our most authentic selves so we can better share our gifts with each other personally, professionally, globally, changing the world one conversation at a time.

loveLove Mheyah ♥ 
Please connect with me at www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com
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Do you know how TRUTH builds TRUST?

A Real Conversation in Successful Communication Made Simple by Mheyah Bailey
Also published on Metro LivingZine

This is not a blog about my Dad and I, but is about the value for all relationships if we know and understand ourselves enough to express what we need and want, and to trust ourselves to express it in ways that will create positive connection instead of disharmony.
It is also about being honest over believing you need to be responsible for protecting others from the truth. I have always maintained that even a challenging truth is better than any other kind of conversation.

DSC_0263
My wonderful Dad & I

What has compelled me to write this was a most interesting conversation I had with my Dad the other day. During the conversation it became glaringly obvious that I wasn’t trusting him.
Wow was I shocked when it hit me right in the middle of the conversation that I didn’t trust him. I mean gobsmacked, couldn’t speak, heart in mouth, as this awareness went profoundly against my belief about our relationship. I thought I could trust my Dad implicitly and of course I can in so many ways. I do trust my Dad to be there for me always, I trust him to protect me in the usual ways a Dad looks after his girl, I trust him to listen to me, to have compassion for me, he is really great when I cry because all he says is “there there and I love you” or “wish I was there to give you a hug” and he is still reliable to support me whenever I need help. Let me be really clear that my father is the kindest, most loving, caring, special man and I am honoured and proud to be his daughter.
I love him with all my heart.
Having said that I also don’t trust him. I don’t trust him when it comes to telling me the truth. Let me explain before you are shocked. He doesn’t overtly lie, no no no, he would never ever lie, he is a man of honour but he doesn’t tell me the truth in a few ways; by omission, by deflection or by being nice.

He is so nice and accommodating that I can’t trust him to tell me the truth about what he really wants and needs. He won’t tell me the truth because he loves me, is afraid and doesn’t trust me.
From long experience I know that he will not be honest if he thinks telling me the truth will hurt my feelings, he will not tell me something if it may upset me or if he is worried I may disapprove or disagree or any myriad of things that he perceives might compromise the balance of our relationship. He will always acquiesce to what I want instead of telling me what he wants. He doesn’t TRUST me to hear his TRUTH.
One standard conversation we always have is around getting together and when I ask him what he would like to do or where he would like to go, his standard response is “whatever you would like sweetheart”
This is my Dad’s standard response to most things and with most people. Like I said he is the nicest man you could meet, except if I ask him if he will look after the cat. He is clear about that. NO cat……. 🙂 I could tell he was being truthful then.

My Ziggy
My Ziggy

My Dad always tries to avoid any potential conflict or upset so his strategy for that is to be nice, accommodating, compromising, easy going and that is not always what he wants or needs, but will do it anyway.
Do you know anyone like that?
So the other day when we were talking, I was trying to understand what he really wanted about a very important issue and all of a sudden I could feel how I was not trusting what he was saying to me, I mean I could really feel it in the centre of my being that I did not trust him to tell me the truth. I realized in that moment how “being nice” is not always honest and that in itself can be compromising to any relationship. My Dad’s lifelong fear of any negative responses from anyone led us down this path that was a less than authentic or honest dialogue with distrust on both sides. To be fair most of us have a little bit of this fear leftover from our childhoods and is an operating strategy many use in relationships.
On my Dad’s side he was being overly responsible for my feelings and not trusting I could cope with the truth and there was me, intuitively knowing he wasn’t telling me the truth and not trusting what he was saying. I have to admit to feeling really sad, but only for a minute, when I realized how liberating this new awareness was for both my Dad and myself.
trustThis may sound simple to you, however for me, it was very profound as it explained my lifelong distrust that people do not tell the truth, that we hide behind being nice, politeness, compromising, pretending to be easy going when we aren’t, keeping the peace at all costs, going along because we are afraid of rejection, upset or judgement, hence my path to coaching and counselling. I have always felt the need to understand and to learn the deeper truth of peoples feelings and experiences and through my own life mistakes and disasters the importance of effective, authentic communication and how expressing ourselves in positive ways will create healthier and more successful relationships personally, professionally and globally.

Not only that but it explains my rather tenacious need to be curious and dig deep to find what the truth is, because for me knowing the truth means I can relax and trust someone, it means I won’t go into feeling responsible for others feelings, it means I can feel safe with that person.  Don’t ever say anything slightly ambiguous, sarcastic, incongruent or passive aggressive because I am like a Jack Russell with a bone to get to the deeper meaning of those words.
For me when anyone whether family, friends or colleagues gift me with the simple truth it means I can just relax and be with them, I can be compassionate and not worry because the truth is just simple and they are being responsible for themselves. The truth might be challenging and we might need to sort it out but at least we know what we are dealing with.
Most people don’t set out to be dishonest, usually there is fear at the root and their intention is to either protect themselves or others, but it is a destructive and unfortunate strategy for relationships because it doesn’t get you what you really want and for most of us what we really want is love, to feel understood and appreciated. What we need to find is a positive path to authentic and intimate connection with others through knowing ourselves intimately and having the ability to communicate what we need and want effectively.

One thing for sure going forward, no more Miss Nice Girl for me 🙂
I will be asking for what I need and want, being honest about who I am and communicating with love and compassion because for me I believe that is the only way to successfully create positive relationships with anyone. It has taken me a lifetime to learn how to communicate effectively and my whole purpose in life is to support others to learn the skills more easily so you can put them to use right away and create more success in all areas of your life.

Now for my Dad and I, he is really lucky to have me LOL because through my lifetime of mistakes and bad communicating, I am afterall my fathers daughter, I have now learned the importance of patiently and compassionately asking questions. When I shared my AHA moment with him we ended up having a deep and meaningful conversation and finally discovered the truth.

I did follow my best
5 STEP FORMULA for CREATING SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS

INTENTION, OBSERVATION, FEELINGS, VALUES, REQUEST

For example and hope this is clear. Let me know if it isn’t!!!!!!!!! and I will explain further.

1. INTENTION-Explained that my intention was to understand better what he was trying to say because I was most interested in him being happy and doing what he really wanted because I loved him.

2. OBSERVATION-Told him that when he was not specific and clear about his opinion, talking about others needs and wants instead of his own.  No judgement, just an observation of behaviour and my experience.
3. FEELINGS-How I felt about that and why, the whole distrust part…………
4. VALUES-Explained that I have values for honesty and authenticity because of how it adds to my ability to trust him and the quality of our relationship
5. REQUEST-Asked if he would be willing to tell me more about his reasons and what he really wanted, not what he believed others wanted or needed.

It all worked out very well and I can say in all TRUTH that I feel a deeper level of love and connection with my Dad now and hope he feels the same.

There is an interesting thing about TRUST and TRUTH. If you look at those two words they have the same root, TRU.. so if you want to build TRUST everywhere in your life then you must speak the TRUTH.
One of my favourite quotes, and I love many, but I really love this one
“THE TRUTH IS SIMPLE” but you must TRUST yourself and others to speak the TRUTH and that you build TRUST by being TRUTHFUL.
If you want to learn more about successful effective communication and how it can improve your life and relationships sign up for my blog HERE or below or to the side
My SUCCESSFUL COMMUNICATION MADE SIMPLE online course is almost complete and I will be sending out more news next week. Don’t miss out.
Communication really is simple…………..

loveLove Mheyah ♥ 
Please connect with me at 

www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com
facebook@connectionpointcentre
twitter@mheyahbailey
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Are you FIERCELY ACCOUNTABLE?

Relationship Revolution-Successful Communication Made Simple Series by Mheyah Bailey Also published on Metro LivingZine

These two powerful terms totally resonate with me. “Fierce Accountability” and “Radical Responsibility” I just feel their meaning deeply because they highlight my values for being responsible in relationships to others in all areas of life.

I believe we need to embrace 5 principles and qualities of consciousness, compassion, curiousity, committment and courage to have the ability to create awesome relationships personally and professionally. I want to explore more deeply what it takes to actually action the principle of consciousness, how to develop this quality and make the changes you need to create positive relationships going forward. These steps are what will change your life towards a direction you want; towards more harmonious relationships, more professional success and ultimately a happier and more fulfilling life.

Thinking impacts how you feel and only you can change how you think by becoming more aware of what you are saying to yourself and how you are feeling. You can’t have a feeling without thinking something.

What does it mean to be fiercely accountable?  For me that starts with the simple idea that no sentence starts with ‘You did this, You did that….” which implies that someone else is responsible and can often sound like a criticism and as we know relationships of any sort, personal or professional do not thrive on criticism.

Fierce accountability means that you take responsibility for your own feelings and needs, and express them in a positive and collaborative way. Doesn’t mean that you aren’t emotional but it means that you don’t blame anyone and that you are acutely aware of what you need to express without criticism, contempt, defensiveness or withdrawing known as the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse by Dr. John Gottman. It means staying in the conversation until everyone feels heard and understood and there is resolution and understanding. It means “own your stuff”

The 5 Simple Steps to Successful Communication is all about Fierce Accountability or Radical Responsibility……..I just LOVE those expressions.

Screen Shot 2015-02-27 at 9.04.29 AM

Managing to be fiercely accountable means you understand that you need to be clear with yourself first on how you are feeling, what you are thinking and what you need to happen going forward.
We know through science that what we think and the stories embedded in our minds affect our perspectives and how we feel. Then there are a few other underlying principles that one needs to be accomplished at to be a successful communicator.
One is being able to be in your own process of figuring out what you need. That means being able to wait until you understand what you are feeling and what you need.

We all have needs and values so learning what your needs are, is an important step to being more aware and conscious, which is essential if any of us are to create wonderful successful relationships. Sometimes for me I have to take time to process what I am feeling so I can sort out what I need and I would like to suggest that until you are clear you don’t even try to have any important conversation. One must have clarity and awareness of oneself to Create Successful Conversations.

To help you understand some of our needs I have listed our most basic human needs;

1) Physiological: hunger, thirst, bodily comforts etc

2) Safety/security: out of danger, emotionally and physically

3) Belongingness and Love: affiliated & connected with others, be accepted

4) Esteem: to achieve, be competent, gain approval and recognition

5) Cognitive: to know, to understand, and explore

6) Aesthetic: symmetry, order, and beauty

7) Self-actualization: to find self-fulfillment and realize one’s potential

8) Self-transcendence: to connect to something beyond the ego or to help others find self-fulfillment and realize they’re potential

These needs are huge drivers for our happiness and fulfillment and then beyond them are our individual personal needs such as respect, loyalty, honesty, authenticity, integrity, punctuality, cleanliness etc I think you get the idea.

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg author & creator of NVC-Non-Violent Communication says “conflicts between individuals or groups arise from miscommunication about their human needs, due to coercive or manipulative language that aims to induce fear, guilt, shame, etc. These modes of communication, when used during a conflict, divert the attention of the participants away from clarifying their needs, their feelings, their perceptions, and their requests, thus perpetuating the conflict”

This next statement to me is so profound, when you consider all the negative strategies we do use to get our needs met.

“NVC theory supposes all human behavior stems from attempts to meet universal human needs and that these needs are never in conflict. Rather, conflict arises when strategies for meeting needs clash. NVC proposes that if people can identify their needs, the needs of others, and the feelings that surround these needs, harmony can be achieved”

Let me share with you a wee simple story to explain what I mean. Some of you may even have experienced this yourself.

I have 4 wonderful adult sons, which means I have been through 4 teenage boys that all did sports and didn’t value or have a need for tidy rooms in the same way I did. Now some professionals would say “just close the door” and ultimately I know that is a good healthy option however I on the other hand need organization to feel relaxed and secure. So for awhile I was trying to do what the professionals tell you to do and failing miserably every time I would see their rooms I would get anxious and so not “zen” which was my responsibility to deal with, however sometimes one needs help and support to bring out ones Zen qualities.
Messy Room

I had to really figure out what was behind it for me and I learned a few things, I have a need for tidiness and organization and I value aesthetic beauty and symmetry. So once I was clear on that bit, I had to decide what my intention was before having the conversation, as I did not want to damage or strain my already fragile relationship with my teen. My intention was for my son to understand me and what was important to me in the HOPE that he might (if I was lucky) support me so I could feel more at peace. There was always the chance he might not think it important but I could at least try. Most people want to please others, as long as your request doesn’t compromise their needs or values. When presented with a well thought out request it is more than likely people will cooperate or at least negotiate with you for a compromise.

So here is what I said: 

1. INTENTION or HOPEI was hoping to help you understand how your room                     impacts me and that we have a conversation to come up with a solution that is a                   win-win for both of us.

2. STATING THE PROBLEM without criticism or judgment-When I see your room with clothes and sports gear on the floor

3. FEELINGS-I feel anxious, unsafe and unsettled

4. NEEDS & VALUES-because I have a need for order, cleanliness, tidiness and                    organization and value symmetry and beautiful surroundings

5. ASK-Would you be willing to clean up your room once a week and do laundry so your room is tidy and clean?

We have to be prepared for a no and not be attached to an outcome but the response I received was positive and showed me he understood what was important to me. He did collaborate with me to do his room and laundry once a week, which was my compromise as I would have unrealistically preferred it once a day LOL but the beauty of this is it shows how to create connection and cooperation rather than disconnection, discord and disharmony.

So I hope you can see the importance of understanding yourself so you can be clear on your feelings, needs and values so you can Create More Successful Conversations in your life. Here is an exercise to help you:
Fierce Accountability

FIGURING IT ALL OUT
You are the primary caregiver of all of your own needs physically, emotionally & spiritually. If you find yourself triggered, feeling anxious & panicked it is important to take some time to reflect on the real causes of the upset so as to not damage your relationships. Here are some ideas to help you stay with your own process and not get into the judging and blame game with anyone.

Here are a few questions we all can ask ourselves in regards to the issue at hand:
1.What am I feeling? Check in with your body, what can you feel and check in with what you are thinking, what am I saying to myself this means. Is it about something else current or historical? Am I being triggered? Why might that be? What story are you telling yourself? Ask yourself what is true?

2. Given these feelings, what do I need or want? How can I take responsibility and care for this? If appropriate, what do I need from others? Be concrete & specific: compassion, listening, acknowledgement, reassurance, support etc……..

3. Through compassion and curiosity spend some time contemplating: What is the other person’s perspective? What might their feelings & needs based on what you know about them or by what they are expressing?

4. Ask yourself; is there anything that I need to take responsibility for regarding the issue at hand? Am I causing disconnection & suffering? What am I doing that is contributing to the problem?
Ie: self-defeating behaviour like using my anger, quitting, lying, being defensive, blaming, criticizing and using contempt to name a few. What do I need to validate & acknowledge the other person’s experience?

5. Ask yourself; What is my intention? How will I share this information? Considering tone, timing, and honestly asking yourself: Am I ready (am I still reactive)? Am I coming from a place of love and an open heart with the intention to achieve understanding and to create connection?

CLICK HERE  to learn more about how SUCCESSFUL COMMUNICATION can create more LOVE, HAPPINESS & SUCCESS in all areas of your life

 

loveLove Mheyah ♥ 
Please connect with me at 

www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com
facebook@connectionpointcentre
twitter@mheyahbailey
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Have you got Courage?


Courage is the Foundation for Radical Relationships by Mheyah Bailey
Also published on Metro LivingZine

We have talked about 5 Principles that are the foundation for Successful Relationships and what it takes to be a great communicator whether we are talking personally or professionally and we know that being able to positively and effectively communicate with others will determine the quality and success of our lives, relationships, overall well being, happiness and fulfillment.
“According to numerous surveys, approximately 85% percent of our success in life is directly attributable to our communication and relationship building skills. That means that no matter how ambitious someone is or how much they overcome their fears or how high their level of education, they’ll still have a low probability of going far in life without effective communication skills that are needed to really connect with people” Jonathan-Advanced Life Skills

So far we have looked at the value and importance of CONSCIOUSNESS, COMPASSION, CURIOUSITY, COMMITMENT and now we are going to look at how you need COURAGE  to create successful relationships.

"love and heart connection"

 

The latin root of the word courage is “cor” meaning heart and it is true
COURAGE TAKES HEART


 COURAGE- COUR-AGE /KUR-IJ/
Noun: The ability to do something that frightens one.
Strength in the face of pain or grief.
Synonyms: bravery – valour – valor – pluck – gallantry – nerve.

COURAGE TO SPEAK-THE COST OF NOT SPEAKING
At this point we must talk a little about codependence and what that means.

Codependency, by definition, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself. It means you’re trying to make the relationship work with someone who’s not. People with codependent tendencies give more value to others than to themselves and compromise their own needs for the sake of others.
The term codependency has been around for almost four decades. Although it originally applied to spouses of alcoholics, first called co-alcoholics, researchers revealed that the characteristics of codependents were much more prevalent in the general population than had been imagined and we all can have some of the characteristics of being co-dependent.

Living this way creates stress and leads to painful emotions such as shame and low self-esteem which creates anxiety and fear about being judged, rejected or abandoned; making mistakes; being a failure; feeling trapped by being close or being alone. The other symptoms then lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings get to be too much, people can feel numb by dissociating from the feelings.
Learning to speak up in the face of the fear of the consequences takes a lot of COURAGE to get passed, but it is possible with some effort and commitment on your part to be aware of what and where your fears stem from.

Codependents and lets be truthful, a lot of people not just codependents, have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs.
None of us can communicate anything if you don’t know what you think, feel or need and you can’t speak your truth if you are afraid of what reaction you will get. The other person ends up with a lot of power in the relationship when you are afraid to speak up for yourself and creates a power imbalance. If you are afraid to be truthful because you don’t want to upset someone else, you might pretend that everything is okay which compromises yourself and communication becomes dishonest, confusing and can carry resentment which is exceedingly harmful to any relationship.

Dr. Phil McGraw says “A relationship is only as good as both people getting their needs met” It doesn’t mean that one does and the other is afraid of the consequences of speaking their truth.
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2. VULNERABILITY
Suffice to say that relationships need a lot of courage because to be in a healthy relationship one needs to be vulnerable, which of course is the proverbial double edged sword or catch 22, because to be vulnerable means to be open to hurt and pain. So if you have to be vulnerable to have a healthy working relationship it will definitely take a lot of courage to come from that open vulnerable place. In fact more so than a lot of other opportunities to be courageous. When our hearts or reputation or ego’s are involved it takes monumental courage to face ones fear of potential abandonment, criticism, feeling rejected or my own feeling unlovable

BRENE BROWN says: Vulnerability is scary. But it’s also a powerful and authentic way to live. Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences. She defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure
Think about the vulnerability it takes to love someone – whether it’s your parents, siblings, spouse or close friends. Love is filled with uncertainties and risks. As Brown notes, the person you love might or might not love you back. They might be in your life for a long time or they might not. They might be terrifically loyal or they might stab you in the back.
Think about the vulnerability it takes to share your ideas with the world, not knowing how your work will be perceived. You might be appreciated, laughed at or downright skewered. Vulnerability is hard. But what can make it even harder — needlessly so — are the inaccurate assumptions we hold about it, like vulnerability is being weak, some of us don’t experience vulnerability or that to be vulnerable you must spill all your secrets. Vulnerability embraces boundaries and trust, she says. “Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them.

Being vulnerable takes courage. But it’s worth it. It’s worth it to be ourselves, to connect to others” Brene Brown Article on VULNERABILITY and her famous TED TALK It takes courage to be vulnerable professionally as well as  personally, and again is about living committed to authenticity.

3. BOUNDARY SETTING
People-pleasing is a strategy to meet a need and can go two ways: pleasing others out of fear of rejection if you don’t or pleasing others to feel important.
It’s a lovely quality to want to please someone you care about, but some people don’t think they have a choice and saying “no” causes them anxiety and fear.. This can be called co-dependent behaviour however is not a behaviour that only co-dependent people engage in. Some people, co-dependent or not have a hard time saying “No” to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.
Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others and divides up what is your responsibility and what is someone else’s responsibility, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. That’s where a lot of people, especially codependents get into trouble by having blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own feelings on others. It takes a lot of courage to set a clear boundary and then follow through in the face of the fear of potential consequences and equally some people have rigid boundaries, are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them.
It takes COURAGE to learn to be flexible, vulnerable and let people in, however it is one of the essential 5 principles that will support you to create a life full of love, happiness and success

loveLove Mheyah ♥ 
Please connect with me at 

www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com
facebook@connectionpointcentre
twitter@mheyahbailey
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Find out more about Mheyah 

 

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ARE YOU LIVING ON PURPOSE?

 

Are you living “on purpose”
Do you feel what you do is meaningful?
Do you feel fulfilled?
Do you feel in sync with who you are at your core?
Would you like to contribute more?
What is important to you?
Do you feel inspired everyday?

Do you sometimes wonder what you should do with your life? This is an important life question most of us ask ourselves at some point. The search for meaning is part of our human evolution. Do you ever ask yourself: What should I do with my life? What is my purpose in life? What am I passionate about? What inspires me? What would be meaningful?

I am a Conscious Living Lifestyle Consultant,Counsellor and Coach and I trust and know that the answers are within you. I am only here to help ask you the right questions and support you to discover the truth that is inside you so you can live your purposeful life.

The first step is learning more about you.
I know what it is like not to know what direction to go in. I went through a program long before I became a coach where at the end I came out with my “Purpose Statement” and it is what I live everyday. It is who I am and is my mission statement in life. I have been through much soul-searching, crisis and diversions and now have a fulfilling, purposeful and meaningful life because I am in alignment with my values, passions and skills. My life is now a complete reflection of who I am and who I was born to be and I want the same for you. What I teach and how I coach is entirely because of all of my life experiences and I want to share with you how you can live your own purposeful life.

This is entirely a journey of personal discovery, illuminating who you are born to be and what you are meant to contribute. It is not necessarily about doing a specific job but it is about living your most authentic self, integrating your core values, needs, passions & gifts. It really is about living your own mission statement everyday.

I can help you discover your purpose in life as we go through a process of discovering the answers to some important questions.
Answer the “Discovering your Life Purpose” questions and begin the journey of living your purpose.
Click here to sign up for a free “Discovering Your Purpose” questionnaire

My purpose is: I am a  lovable & trusting woman inspiring & collaborating with others to create conscious loving relationships through heart centred connection & communication
I created that purpose statement before I became a coach and counsellor and it personifies who I am at my very core. I live that everyday whether I am working or not. It is just who I am. Thank you Choices

Love Mheyah 

If you would like to connect. Book your discovery session below

Please connect with me at
www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com
cell: +1-778-952-4797
facebook@connectionpointcentre
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Work with Mheyah 


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SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS START WITH YOU


Successful Communication Made Simple Series by Mheyah Bailey
Also published on Metro LivingZine

Over the next few weeks I want to share with you the importance of improving our communication. It all starts with learning more about ourselves rather than anything else, and I want to look at that in more detail with you so you can get a better idea of the steps it takes to be a stellar communicator.
Now the reason I believe this to be so important is that if we can all learn to express ourselves from a deeper understanding of what we want and need, and why we want and need it, then truly we will all experience less conflict & misunderstandings in our lives and a lot more cooperation, appreciation and loving harmony.
I believe that communication is an equal opportunity skill for all areas of our lives, whether personal or professional and is a skill that will improve our intimate relationships, families will be healthier, communities more collaborative and nations more united.
I do like to say that being a stellar Communicator is really all about lots of “C” words, Curiousity, Consciousness, Compassion, Connection, Collaboration, Control, Consideration, Care………..no I wasn’t thinking Chocolate, but having said that isn’t everyone more agreeable when eating chocolate? LOL
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So for today we are going to start with the “C” word Consciousness which really is only a trendy new age word for personal awareness so don’t let the word scare you off the good information.

So what does being CONSCIOUS mean?
CONSCIOUSNESS: (kon-shuhs-nis) NOUN: to understand the deeper meaning of what you think and feel
It is about really noticing and becoming aware of your own feelings, reactions and responses. Relationships are inside work and the people around us are only triggers for us to notice how we are feeling, what has made us feel that way, what values are being prodded, what needs are being compromised, what story are we telling ourselves about an event, comment or conversation.

Our reactions and feelings are entirely made up from what we think and the perspective we have told ourselves about it. I do love to say “don’t believe everything you think” and the reason is that what we think is shaped by our past experiences good and bad. If we don’t have a thought then we won’t have a feeling or reaction, and that feeling is most likely based on thoughts that are probably not unbiased thoughts, but a collection of conclusions we learned since childhood and through past hurts where we have learned to deny our needs, values and primary emotions.
For instance one person can hear a comment or view an event completely differently than you, based on your different experiences with the words, what happened, where they were said, how they were said, the context etc and both of you could easily draw up completely different conclusions, neither right or wrong, just different.
Your job is to notice what story, or tape you have running in the background that filters all the messages you get from others. Once you notice your thoughts and the FEELINGS that come up from the interaction you can get clearer on what those FEELINGS mean to you. I know I am using the “F” word but seriously our FEELINGS are our barometer for what we really need and value and when we are able to tune into them we have done the first part to learning how to communicate better with the purpose of living more authentically & truthfully with ourselves and others. The impact of being able to do this is you will be able to live your life more in line with your real needs and values not from the unconscious drivers from the past.

The intention of the consciousness exercise is to then be able to express how you feel to another person in a calm and clear way, which in turn builds connection, trust and a greater understanding between you, BUT that is for another lesson, so for now as we explore all aspects of communication I would like to invite you to NOTICE what you FEEL when something or someone is “triggering” you and what thoughts or story came up before you had a reaction. Work backwords. Do your best to just be aware of yourself and we will talk about how to share it with others later on in the series.

To learn more about emotions and feelings here is an excellent article to help you CLICK HERE

loveLove Mheyah ♥ 
Please connect with me at 

www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com
facebook@connectionpointcentre
twitter@mheyahbailey
instagram@mheyahbailey
pinterest@mheyahbailey

Find out more about Mheyah 

 

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Compassion, Conflict & Courage


Compassion is the antidote to all suffering
Also published on MetroLivingZine

Well this article has taken me a lifetime to write. It really amazes me as I said in an earlier article that as soon as I have an idea of what I am going to share with you it shows up in my life, and this time I don’t mean it showed up lightly, but showed up more like a bull in a china shop, so to speak.

I have used every skill in my toolbox to manage myself in hopes of influencing the situation towards a positive outcome and not create a train wreck.
In fact you might even say I really learned what it means to be “Fiercely Accountable”

It is one thing to learn cognitively what one values, believes and understands about the principles that are important to achieve success, or create happy relationships and a harmonious balanced life, but to actually apply those principles when faced with adversity or conflict is the real test, and does require some real ‘Radical Responsibility” At least it did on my part and also required some integrity to stay in the fire when I actually wanted to run away and hide.

I learned a lot in the past few weeks about myself and feel very humbled and full of gratitude. I don’t feel I would have any right to coach anyone if I had not experienced real human challenges and experienced first hand the huge benefits that can be achieved in life by integrating the 5 Communication Principles that come from connecting with ones own heart, integrity and authenticity. As humans our prime motivator is to love and be loved, and when that is threatened in any way it can seriously test our resolve to remain compassionate, curious and conscious and not dissolve into emotional chaos and fear.
We have been discussing over the past months the 5 Principles for Effective Communication that create successful relationships and we have been delving deeper into each principle and how to develop those abilities and the actions it takes to use them in ones life.
So far we have whittled away at Consciousness and are still learning about Compassion. This week I learned how to use every possible skill I have been taught and integrated into my life over the years and really understood one of the most important aspects of CompassionCompassion really is the antidote to all suffering
Compassion is a Verb

How so, you might ask? Well let me share how so………………
We all want to feel loved, liked, appreciated, valued by our partners, families, colleagues, however as humans we also experience conflict and upset at times.
It is part of the human condition after all, but it is how we manage those challenges that define us to ourselves and to others. My idea of being Radically Responsible means that for me, I show up with heart, authenticity, honesty, integrity, humility, grace and dignity. I do my best, fall down a lot and pick myself up to do my best another day.

This is a story about the process of reaching a compassionate place in the face of conflict. I think it is fair to say that most of our suffering can be linked to our:

  1. THINKING-We shouldn’t believe everything we think because our minds create stories about the meaning of events based on our own histories, learning, judgments, social values, assessments, upbringing, attachments and pre-conceived ideas that have become ingrained neural networks that are hardwired in our brains and are what causes our automatic responses. The interesting part about that is; what you believe is true, is not necessarily true. We create stories by filtering external events through our own experiences and we come up with a conclusion we believe to be true. If we believe that conclusion, whether it is positive or negative, that becomes our truth and is where a lot of our joy comes from, but also a lot of our suffering. We only create feelings based on what we think. Hear that again if you will
    “we only create feelings based on what we think”
    Your feelings are never wrong but your thinking might be less than optimal. Use your feelings like clues to discover what you are thinking. Pretend you are a detective on a hunt to solve the mystery of what you really think. I have learned over many years to let my feelings guide me to clarity about what I am really thinking and then I can assess if it is really accurate or if I am misguided in some way. The other part of our thinking that can get us in deep ‘do-do’ is believing that anything means anything about us, or in other words taking it personally. Nothing anyone says or does really means anything about you and is only their interpretation, through their own filters and life experiences.
    I love this quote “don’t believe everything you think” so am learning to really look at what I think so I can decide for myself if there is any truth in what is happening around me.
  1. FEAR. Fear shows up in conflict by upsetting our emotional balance, disturbing our peace of mind, causing us to go into fight or flight mode, our hearts to race, insecurities to show up, childhood wounds to activate, hearts to hurt, defenses and walls to go up. When this happens it is nearly impossible to respond rationally because our brains are telling us there is danger to our wellbeing and safety. Ultimately safety is one of nine of our most primal needs in life.
    When we feel hurt and upset, wounded and defensive, and are suffering, we are usually afraid of one thing. We are afraid of not being loveable, liked or accepted.
    Conflict usually shows up as criticism, blame, rejection, accusations, name-calling, projections and the FEAR that shows up is that we aren’t safe and that some of it might be true. This again comes down again to what we are thinking and what we believe.
    “If you have a sincere and open heart, you naturally feel self- worth and confidence, and there is no need to be fearful of others-Dalai Lama”

This is where my story starts, and it is important to know that usually, I am a happy, “wear my heart on my sleeve” kind of gal, however occasionally when faced with someone else’s upset randomly projected my way I can became quite unhinged, feel hurt, compassion flies out the door and it can be a while before I get around to some rational thinking and feel more grounded again. I can be “so not” Dalai Lama-ish and am human after all.

I sometimes still filter events through my own challenging experiences from childhood, can become easily shocked, wounded and scared out of my mind.
When I feel accused, judged or criticized I can usually remain grounded and not pulled off centre but sometimes, only sometimes, I am vulnerable to emotional invaders and from my childhood self I wonder if what they say is true and I almost believe it as the universal truth, and on and on my mind goes pulling all the evidence through the lens of all my life experiences from childhood with an abusive alcoholic parent, through my challenging teen years and my experiences with critical parents and partners and I can become completely unhinged me, take it personally and feel hurt. Our brains become hardwired to respond in the way we did when trauma first happens and is why it is so hard to manage ourselves once we are re-triggered. It is essentially the same neuro-wiring as PTSD.

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Luckily the unhinging only lasted for a day or so, because I did one really important thing, something I have never done before, something even after all the years of counseling training I still did not understand, after years of thinking about others first, always trying to resolve things immediately because I was afraid if I didn’t work things out my world would not be safe, I would lose love and connection with those that were important to me and that includes people personally and professionally.
I care about those in my life, I want people to like me and there in is where I sometimes get myself into trouble by being over-responsible and driven to have peace and harmony.
This time I knew I needed to do something radically different than I have done in the past, because this was some serious shit going on. This is not a story about what happened but is about how I managed in the midst of trauma and hope that you too will see the wisdom and benefit I am sharing with you when you feel triggered and upset. This is about the principles one needs to action for more peaceful loving relationships.

So instead of how I would normally manage things, for the first time I gave “myself the gift of compassion” and with giving myself compassion first I gave myself time to work it out for me and not try to fix. I think in that moment I realized that the words Radical Responsibility and Fierce Accountability (still really loving those phrases) really mean honouring ones own truth and experience, owning what is, being deeply honest with oneself and others, rather than denying what is real and compromising oneself in the misguided need to be liked and approved by anyone.

I also realized that not everyone is going to like me and when I gave myself compassion for being human I allowed myself some room to process, how I felt, what I was thinking and what was true for me. I didn’t rush from my ‘fear to fix’ which would not have helped the situation.
Compassion is something I always give away to others. I am a Coach, Counsellor and Consultant after all and compassion is the foundation for my connection with everyone, personally and professionally. Compassion is my religion but what I never understood, never integrated, was I needed to have compassion for myself as much as I do for others. I needed to liberally bathe myself in compassion so I could heal my wounds, create some rational thinking and be able to be my best most authentic heart centered self, so I am ‘able and willing’ to resolve differences in the future.

When I had time to sit with how I was feeling and discern what I was thinking I could then ask myself some good questions:

truth

  1. Was it true?
    I realized what others believe is what is true for them, based on their own perceptions and experiences, and their reaction or beliefs have nothing to do with me. I am only a catalyst for someone’s experience as they are for me, and so on that note I chose not to take anything personally or project my history on that moment.
    Really understanding that anyone’s opinion actually says more about them than me caused me be able to move slowly back into rational thought rather than emotional reactivity.
    I do sometimes wish I had the ability to process faster LOL but that is where some more compassion came in and I told myself I am only human and can only do the best I can at any given time. I can’t fight the truth and pretend I am not upset, I have to “be with” being upset. So hard but I do believe that is why counselors and coaches are so invaluable as support. Most people have a real challenge with ‘being with’ how they feel and it can be invaluable to have someone to support you in some of those challenging processes.
  1. Did I believe their version of me?
    I know cognitively that someone only has the power to hurt me if I believe what they say, and I came to the conclusion that I didn’t believe their version of me. They might, but I didn’t. When I realized that I could really only feel hurt and upset if I believed their version of me, and that I unequivocally did not agree with those assessments, I felt completely different and I returned to balance and contentment almost immediately.

Returning to our normal state of balance allows us to then be able to move into resolution with someone more effectively. For me it meant as I moved through a new level of Consciousness, I started again to feel Compassion, Curiousity, Courage and Commitment in the hope and intention of creating a more successful relationship going forward. It does take two people with the same intention and hope but that is my intention anyway.
“True compassion is not just an emotional response but a firm commitment founded on reason. Therefore, a truly compassionate attitude towards others does not change even if they behave negatively-Dalai Lama”

I am learning to trust myself more and hope that some of what I have written over the past months will support you  to trust yourself, learn more about what it takes to Create Amazing Wonderful Relationships and help you in creating more Love, Happiness & Success in your life. Please read the other articles in the series from the links below if you are interested and do let me know what you think about my ideas, if you have tried implementing any of the principles or if you ever want to connect, ask questions or ask for support.
Next time we are going to look at how to be curious. Hint: it does NOT include the word Why.

Love Mheyah 
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Great Communication Skills will make you Happier & More Successful

Hello everyone. This is your mid-week hello and giving you a FREE GIFT to thank you all for connecting with me over the last few weeks.
PLEASE LISTEN TO MY VIDEO FOR YOUR FREE GIFT

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LOVE MHEYAH

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JUST A QUICK QUESTION TODAY

HAPPY NEW WEEK EVERYONE
Lately I have been getting lots of questions about the actual steps it takes to communicate better, how to say things differently or even how to write a letter to someone that will inspire a POSITIVE response and interaction, instead of blowing up the connection and causing CONFLICT, STRESS, CHAOS and UPSET. How about you? I would love to know more about what challenges you are having or what questions you might want to ask me,

SO PLEASE FILL OUT MY MINI-SURVEY HERE Fill out my form!
AND IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT SHOOT ME A COMMENT OR EMAIL
HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A GREAT WEEK AND THANKS AGAIN

TA TA FOR NOW
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Mheyah