|The fundamental power of being human is the power of choice. We are choosing, either consciously or unconsciously, in every moment. We are choosing what relationships we have in our lives, where we go, what we do and how we interpret events.
I have noticed a pattern within a lot of the people who are sending in emails. This is a very interesting pattern because it can be helpful and hurtful depending on when and how we CHOOSE to engage in this pattern.
The pattern is this: most of the TDL readers are Western readers, or highly influenced by the West and the West’s drive, ambition and spirit of expansion and capitalism. Let’s call this type of person “an achiever”. They like to get things done. They like to have awesome stuff. They like to knock everything off their to do list. They like to be in charge and in control.
This habit is great for building business and all kinds of other things. Getting things done and getting them done now is awesome – at the proper time. The problem I’m seeing is that many of us tend to take this same exact mentality into our relationships.
This is a big no no. We can’t “manage” our partners, we can’t “have a relationship unfold in a time frame”, there is no “deadline”, “profit margin” or “manageable to do list” when it comes to our relationships.
When we CHOOSE to treat other people like a project that we want to control, they don’t like that. They don’t feel loved, accepted and free to be themselves. And since every thriving relationship is based on TRUST, this type of action takes us away from trust.
The greatest CHOICE we can make in relationships is to take our hands off the wheel. This is not to say that we should have low standards, not pick loving and awesome people to be in relationship with or tolerate abuse. No, this statement is made with the assumption that we have already chosen a healthy person to be in relationship with.
Once we take our hands off the wheel, we let go of expectation, the desire to control and manipulate, we can allow ourselves to feel our feelings of fear and express them. This will create intimacy with the right person. If someone can’t handle your truth, they may not be the person for you.
The goal and idea is to CHOOSE to be present and take our relationships one day at a time. In fact, many times we want to engage our relationships in the opposite manner in which we engage projects and our work.
It’s scary because we like to achieve and we like to know with certainty what the outcome will be. But that is not how relationships work. They are a leap of faith. And we leap knowing that we will either be with the raddest person for the rest of our lives, or we will learn a beautiful and awesome lesson.
So the greatest form of control is to CHOOSE to give up control – to let go of the outcome and to just show up, one day at a time, fully present and in integrity and authenticity.
What would that look like for you? What would you do differently? What would you choose to let go of? What would you choose to step into?