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Advanced Communication 101

How to Communicate Effectively and Create Loving Connection

People tend to say communication is key” or “you have to communicate to have a good relationship”  but honestly, what is good communication? How is it going to help you create a more loving, peaceful and passionate relationship with your partner?

Simply put, good communication is “heart to heart connection”  When we speak from our hearts we are being honest and authentic about ourselves creating more understanding, enabling us to resolve conflicts and show deeper love and appreciation, developing a stronger intimate bond with our significant other or other people important in our lives.  I am imagining you may be asking  “Well, how do I do that, and what does “heart to heart communication really mean? “

It is actually a simple equation of:                                                                                                Consciousness + Compassion + Collaboration + Curiousity = Connection        

When you have created “heart to heart connection” using the Four C’s , love, respect, & understanding can be truly ignited and maintained, creating more intimate and fulfilling loving relationships.
There are 5 key elements to great heart centered communication.
1. Consciousness: You need to really know yourself, become aware of your own feelings, needs, vulnerabilities and values and how you become emotionally reactive in relationship with your loved one.  This can be very challenging to learn as it means we all need to become more aware of our underlying feelings, which in conflict or disagreement can be a real struggle. We are usually quite aware of our secondary emotions which show up as feeling upset, annoyed, frustrated, overwhelmed or angry and in our typical way of interacting we are unaware of our underlying primary feelings of fear, hurt, anxiety, sadness, vulnerability, insecurity, shame, feeling unloved, to name only a few.

It takes awareness and practice to notice our real feelings and takes courage to express them (see bottom of article on how to do this) Usually these are more vulnerable feelings and ones we would prefer not to acknowledge or share with anyone. When we communicate from this more authentic place others can hear us differently and you can collaborate to resolve differences from understanding each other’s deeper feelings, needs and values. This in turn creates a stronger connection between you.

We all need to learn to take responsibility for our own feelings in relationship and learn that there is no room for “blaming or criticism” in any relationship. Blaming/Criticism is one bad habit of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” which Dr. John Gottman says will doom any relationship to conflict and potential failure.
The hint here is to only share how you are feeling, what is important to you, without blaming or criticizing anyone else for your experience.  When we learn that each circumstance or upset, no matter what, is our own responsibility, we are becoming emotionally intelligent. How we react to our feelings about anything or anyone says more about our own beliefs, perspectives and imaginings than it does about them or what you may believe they are doing to you.

When I am reacting and not sure of why I am having a reaction I ask myself:  what am I thinking, how am I judging, what am I resisting or attached to and I try to remember not to believe everything I think.
2. Listening: You need to be able to listen without judgment or interrupting.  SSSSHHHH. Listening does not mean that your mouth is moving or that your brain is already in rebuttal mode, it means that you are entirely engaged with your partners experience, how they are feeling as they struggle to express what is going on for them.  It means that you don’t assume that you already know and understand what your partner is trying to express, it doesn’t mean that you take any of what they are saying personally.

It means you are LISTENING INTENTLY to what is being said, what is happening for them, what has upset them, what your partner values and how they want something to be different to fulfill a need they have. A need could be as simple as tidiness or as important as respect, but all worthy of your time, compassion, cooperation and collaboration to resolve.

Then when you have managed this huge feat of listening, you need to find some more…………….
3. Compassion Again:  You need to have an endless well of compassion.   Empathy and compassion are the underlying premise of all heart to heart conversations and is the cord between your two hearts. Compassion is different than sympathy and is simply the ability to remain in your loving heart and be with your partner’s pain even when it is sometimes directed at you. This can be very difficult to actually achieve, however it is vitally important to a loving relationship. You also need to be able to reflect back what you partner is expressing and how it makes sense to you knowing your loved ones values.

Compassionate Reflection is the action required after listening, to show your partner you have heard and understood what they have communicated.
For instance, my son is (occasionally) lovely at showing compassion.  When I am upset he will ask me what I need, what is going on and then after sharing how I feel he will say something like “Oh Mom I can hear you are feeling hurt and that makes sense to me knowing how relationships are so important to you and how much you value your friendships”
Amazing young man, he acknowledged what I was feeling, reflected back compassionately and understood my feelings based on what he knows to be my values.  I feel heard, understood and accepted and to be honest for me, that equates to feeling loved.
“When you truly put your heart on the line and invest selflessly into your relationships you are putting yourself in a vulnerable place but it pays off and the rewards are endless”
quote by one “heart centered compassionate wise “16 year old son.                 

Can you name one person who doesn’t like being understood, acknowledged and appreciated? I know I can’t.
4. Curiousity & Collaboration: It is invaluable to be deeply interested in what your partner is expressing, reflect what you heard, check it out, make sure what you heard is what your partner intended to mean, and do your best to understand what is important to them and what they are asking for..

Have you ever listened to a child who is curious about something? They are unequalled in their persistence to get the answers so they can understand.

Curiousity shows that you care, that you are interested, that your partner is important to you and if you can stay curious even in times of conflict, then you have most likely vanquished relationship killers “Assuming and taking things Personally”

This is also where the Second Horseman of the Apocalypse – Defensiveness must not gallop into the relationship.  The opposite of curiousity is defending and if you want a deeply intimate connection with your loved one then it is important to stay present to what is happening, what is trying to happen and collaboratively decide what needs to happen going forward. Being curious about your partner’s life, how they experience it and appreciate their perspective is the key to love and connection and creates an unbreakable bond between you and your partner.
5. Body Language: You need to be open. Your body language says a lot about you and whether you are open and accepting of your partner and what they are saying to you, or whether you are being defensive or distant. We can give a whole different message if we are not conscious of how we are physically showing up.  We need to have an open body stance without crossed arms, eye to eye contact and affectionate reassuring touch so our partners can feel our availability, our love and acceptance even in conflict.

It is vitally important that we do not give in to the Third and Fourth Horseman – Distancing and Contempt and are close cousins.  Distancing or withdrawing is obvious in that nothing can be resolved if you are physically or emotionally unavailable for communication and connection and may send a message to your partner that they are unimportant. Contempt can be subtle but is an extremely negative signal that is not only physically damaging to the receiver but is the main cause of relationship failure. Contempt can be as small a gesture as an “eyeball roll” a “downturn of the lip” signifying judgment and disapproval, to the extreme of condescending comments and disdainful or disapproving put downs. If a person lives with contempt it increases their chances of ill health and depression.  So I want to encourage you all to refrain from any contemptuous behavior.  Compassion is the antidote to contempt, and body language shows love and acceptance through being in a relaxed open posture with eye to eye connection.

So now you have the basic “4 C’s of Great Communication “which if used regularly will create more love, fulfillment and passion in your relationship.
Consciousness + Compassion + Collaboration + Curiousity = Loving Connection
I hope that these insights have been helpful for creating loving connections with your partner.

FEELING TRIGGERED?
Relationship Self-Reflection & Accountability
You are the primary caregiver of all of your own needs physically, emotionally & spiritually. If you find yourself triggered and feeling anxious & panicked it is important to take some time to reflect on the real causes of the upset so as to not damage your relationships. Here are some ideas to help you stay with your own process and not get into the judging and blame game with your partner
Here are a few questions we all can ask ourselves in regards to the issue at hand:

 1. What am I feeling? Check in with your body, what can you feel and check in with what you are thinking, what am I saying to myself this means. Is it about something else current or historical?

Am I being triggered? Why might that be? What story are you telling yourself?

2. Given these feelings, what do I need or want? How can I take responsibility and care for this? If appropriate, what do I need from my partner? Be concrete & specific ie: compassion, listening, acknowledgement……..

3.Through compassion and curiosity spend some time contemplating: What is my partner’s perspective? Their feelings & needs based on what you know about them or by what they are expressing?

4. Is there anything that I need to take responsibility for regarding the relationship issue at hand? Am I causing disconnection & suffering? What am I doing that is contributing to the problem? Ie: self defeating games like using my anger, quitting, lying, being defensive, blaming, criticizing and using contempt to name a few. What do I need to validate & acknowledge in my partner’s experience?

5. How will I share this information? Considering tone, timing, and honestly asking yourself: Am I ready (are you still reactive)? Am I coming from a place of love and an open heart with the intention to achieve understanding and to create connection?

“It has been said that the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives”Some of my favourite reading suggestions are:
Non-Violent Communication by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg
The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman
Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix
Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson
Conscious Loving by Gay and Katie Hendrix

Happy Loving
Mheyah

 

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Empower, Enlighten, Enhance, Explore, Excite, Elevate 


WOMEN’S EMPOWERMENT GROUP
This is a group for women to EMPOWER and support each other, ENLIGHTEN and raise our level of awareness, heal,
 EXPLORE our own process, ENHANCE learning, grow, EXCITE our lives and see possibilities and ELEVATE our potential to be the best 
we can be. This group is for any women experiencing life in any way, wanting a safe and secure place for support, to set 
new goals, illuminate new perspectives and learn new ways of being to enhance all their relationships, heal ourselves and 
create the lives we dream of in harmony with our values and needs.
My hope is that we will develop a group of women 
committed to living more consciously that will create more “happyness” and fulfillment for each of us in all areas of our lives.
The group will have no specific agenda other than to support and learn from each other as we process individually what we
 want to be working on, where we need to grow, stretch, learn and change to have more of what we want in our lives. I imagine 
some members will want to learn more about themselves and the world around us, achieve more peace and fulfillment, become more of their best selves, work towards better 
relationships, make new goals, make lifestyle changes, want to heal past issues, have support 
or just be in a community of others willing to listen to whatever is happening in life. We are here to EMPOWER, ENLIGHTEN,
 ENHANCE, EXCITE, ELEVATE and support each other.

I will be facilitating the group and there will be a format to follow but some days we will just celebrate all of who we are as women, mothers, partners, daughters, friends, lovers, creators of our universe………My goal is to have a 10 -12 women in the group on a regular basis once every 3 weeks on Thursday evening from 6:30- 9:30. The meeting will be on the North Shore starting Nov 17, Dec 8 and then reconvening January 12 to start on a regular schedule. If you are inspired and would like more information please call Mheyah at 778-881-0410 or email mheyah@gmail.com. You can also find me at www.loveactuallycommunications.com
LOVE
MHEYAH 

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You have a RIGHT to your FEELINGS

Another slam dunk by my friend Mastin Kipp of The Daily Love
What he writes is so true. We all have a right to our feelings, our emotions, our own experience and to responsibly share this with others makes us real & authentic, creating deeper and more intimate relationships with everyone.
Great article, happy reading. Let me know how you feel  😉

Our emotions are not a burden, neither to us nor to the people in our lives.
Our emotions are real and they are valid. If we are to be happy, we must begin to step into not only loving our emotions, but also finding healthy ways to express them.
We can’t build intimacy with anyone in our life without the ability to express our emotions and feel safe doing so.

Many people have written in to WhatImGoingThru@TheDailyLove.com and shared how they feel guilty for expressing their emotions, even though they feel their life is a blessing. They feel that their emotions are a burden and shouldn’t be expressed unless they are totally 100% positive.

But you see, anyone who only wants us to express “positive” emotions (including ourselves) doesn’t have true unconditional love for us. Rather, they have a conditional kind of love that can only handle the “good”. This is probably for good reason, namely because everyone is going through something and many folks don’t want even MORE negativity in their life.

However, for us to really love each other we must become willing to accept all parts of ourselves and others – not just the positive. Unconditional love means full acceptance of someone (including ourselves) exactly where they are. This is not a license to be a push over, or to be a negative Nancy and just complain all the time. We must also take responsibility for our emotions and our life circumstance and step into an empowered perspective of all things.

But, at the same time, if we wish to experience love in our relationships, we must also step into the courage to be able to share what we are feeling without guilt, shame or feeling as if we are burdening ourselves and others. It is not through the negation of our emotions that we come closer together, but through the loving exposure of our emotions that we build trust and intimacy.

We all deeply desire to be seen and one of the best ways to feel seen is to be able to share about what we’re going through and how we are feeling and know that we aren’t going to be judged, condemned or attacked for our expression.

So today, let’s set the following intentions:

1. To be more open and accepting to the people in our lives and to want to generally know how they are feeling and what they are going through. Let us drop the judgment and simply just be present to whatever they are feeling. When we say, “How was your day” or “How are you?” let’s mean it and be present.

2. Let us also be present and have respect for OUR emotions. Let us step into radical acceptance of how we are feeling and learn from our emotions rather than suppress them. Let us be willing to become vulnerable and expose ourselves and if we find certain people in our lives are not willing to accept us as we are and where we are, let us reconsider their role in our lives. Let us go where the love is and let ourselves be seen by people who have the capacity to see us.

So, can you open up a little today, to your emotions and the emotions of those you love? Let us not judge, but simply be a loving presence for each other.

How does that feel?

Have a great day and love yourself
love Mheyah

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The Importance of Telling the Truth in Relationships

This is another wonderful article by Mastin Kipp at www.thedailylove.com
I feel like there is no point in me writing anything because he says it all so well so I am sharing in hopes of inspiring you all to be your best selves and that you will create a life full of happiness, love, fulfillment and live a life full of purpose and passion. Love Mheyah

Countless folks have written and have shared about relationships that have gone awry. They feel like they’ve been living a lie, or are mad because they gave everything to the person they were with and now that the relationship is over, they feel like they have been left high and dry.
There are TWO major things to remember when it comes to relationships:

1. Make sure it works for you before you get into it.
2. As you go along, continue to tell your truth, even if you think it will hurt the other person.

You see, when we ignore the things that make us happy in order to please someone else, we are betraying ourselves and actually the other person. Why is this? Because when we abandon what makes us happy to make someone else happy, we are no longer showing up in the relationship fulfilled. And that is what we owe the other person – our joy and fulfillment. If we only live to make someone else happy, that path leads to resentment, anger and jealously – amongst other things.

But, when we make sure that our creative, spiritual, physical and sexual needs are being met, we can show up happy and joyful. It’s ultimately not the other person’s responsibility to make sure you are happy and fulfilled – it’s yours.

The other thing is, as you go along and grow along in your relationships, it’s vitally important to be able to tell the truth, even if you think it’s going to hurt the other person. The temporary pain of the truth far outweighs the long and drawn out subtle pain of living a lie. Also, you make your partner small when you don’t tell them the truth. Chances are, they can handle it, and if they can’t – that’s a major red flag. Remember you are worthy of AWESOME LOVE and AWESOME LOVE goes hand in hand with being able to tell the truth. Living a lie also leads to anger, resentment, jealously and the like.

The bottom line is this – let us never abandon ourselves to please others. Let us remember that relationships are sent to us to grow and learn from and ultimately they are supposed to make us HAPPY!! :o) We can only truly show up and be happy when all our needs are being met, so it is up to us to make sure that’s happening and then the other person if off the hook.

So…. Does your relationship work for you and are you telling the truth? Yes or no? If no, how can YOU change to either make this relationship work, or let go of it and find one that does work for you? Let me know………

Love Mheyah

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Want Trust & Intimacy-Read this by Mastin Kipp

Another slam dunk article by my favourite author by far Mastin Kipp.  Great stuff at www.thedailylove.com Check all their great resources.
Read on:
The fundamental power of being human is the power of choice. We are choosing, either consciously or unconsciously, in every moment. We are choosing what relationships we have in our lives, where we go, what we do and how we interpret events.

I have noticed a pattern within a lot of the people who are sending in emails. This is a very interesting pattern because it can be helpful and hurtful depending on when and how we CHOOSE to engage in this pattern.

The pattern is this: most of the TDL readers are Western readers, or highly influenced by the West and the West’s drive, ambition and spirit of expansion and capitalism. Let’s call this type of person “an achiever”. They like to get things done. They like to have awesome stuff. They like to knock everything off their to do list. They like to be in charge and in control.

This habit is great for building business and all kinds of other things. Getting things done and getting them done now is awesome – at the proper time. The problem I’m seeing is that many of us tend to take this same exact mentality into our relationships.

This is a big no no. We can’t “manage” our partners, we can’t “have a relationship unfold in a time frame”, there is no “deadline”, “profit margin” or “manageable to do list” when it comes to our relationships.

When we CHOOSE to treat other people like a project that we want to control, they don’t like that. They don’t feel loved, accepted and free to be themselves. And since every thriving relationship is based on TRUST, this type of action takes us away from trust.

The greatest CHOICE we can make in relationships is to take our hands off the wheel. This is not to say that we should have low standards, not pick loving and awesome people to be in relationship with or tolerate abuse. No, this statement is made with the assumption that we have already chosen a healthy person to be in relationship with.

Once we take our hands off the wheel, we let go of expectation, the desire to control and manipulate, we can allow ourselves to feel our feelings of fear and express them. This will create intimacy with the right person. If someone can’t handle your truth, they may not be the person for you.

The goal and idea is to CHOOSE to be present and take our relationships one day at a time. In fact, many times we want to engage our relationships in the opposite manner in which we engage projects and our work.

It’s scary because we like to achieve and we like to know with certainty what the outcome will be. But that is not how relationships work. They are a leap of faith. And we leap knowing that we will either be with the raddest person for the rest of our lives, or we will learn a beautiful and awesome lesson.

So the greatest form of control is to CHOOSE to give up control – to let go of the outcome and to just show up, one day at a time, fully present and in integrity and authenticity.

What would that look like for you? What would you do differently? What would you choose to let go of? What would you choose to step into?

Thank you for reading this great article by Mastin.
If you want to let me know what you need to do to get the love you want email me at mheyah@gmail.com
I look forward to hearing from you
love Mheyah

 

 

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How to find true personal power in relationships……..by Mastin Kipp

I really love this mans blog. He has many wonderful insights to share that you can find at The Daily Love blog.

HOW TO GET YOUR POWER BACK IN RELATIONSHIPS by Mastin Kipp

Many times in relationships we love to blame the other person.

We like to blame them for not loving us the way we want to be loved, or for not making us enough of a priority, or for being too stubborn and on and on.

Then we start giving names to the way we interpret others actions. So instead of saying: “Hey, I’d really appreciate it if you let me figure it out on my own,” or “The way I really feel loved is when you (fill in the blank)”. When we are lacking, we say: “You’re a jerk”, or assume that they don’t love us.

So instead of expressing how we feel, we blame, judge and then convict the other person of being guilty. Then we project our verdict onto them and wonder why they react negatively and then use that negative reaction as further proof that our verdict was in fact, correct.

Instead of blaming and judging, if we can open up, become vulnerable and EXPRESS our feelings and needs, we give the other person an opportunity to course correct and with this new information.

And, if over time we are expressing our needs and feelings and they aren’t being seen, have the courage to pick up our things and leave. That’s the Master’s path – vulnerability and courage.

It might seem scary, but showing emotion and expressing your needs is how you build intimacy. And having high standards and the courage to maintain them is how you make sure that only the best kind of relationships remains in your life.

It’s the mark of a Master to no longer blame the other person, but instead to see the other person as a mirror of his or her own life. It’s the mark of a Master to share his or her feelings, rather than blaming someone else for not meeting the needs that were never expressed in the first place. It’s the mark of a Master who is strong enough to walk away from a broken and unfulfilled kind of love if his or her needs and emotions aren’t being seen. It’s the mark of a Master to be able to also meet the needs of their partner.

When you see the current relationships of your life as not a victim, but as a mirror of your own life, you can begin to take empowered action.

So, you say you want love, yes? Then whatcha gonna do today? Blame them? Or express yourself and set loving boundaries?

Do you want to keep going round in the dramatic circle of blame or do you want to step into the loving flow of vulnerable expression?

The choice is yours. What’ll it be?

Mheyah Bailey
Connection Point Counselling

 

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Perspectives

Great article by Mastin Kipp, creator of The Daily Love

Turn Your Mess Into A Message
The most important part of life, and the only part of life that we can truly control is our perception. We may have influence over other parts of our life, but the only thing we have 100% control over is how we CHOOSE to perceive the events of our lives.

One of the FUNdamental messages of TDL is that you are not a victim, but a co-Creator of your life with The Uni-verse.

It’s easy to play the victim and a lot of people out there will try to convince you that it’s easier to blame other people for the circumstances of your life. One of the reasons it’s easy to be a victim is because you give away the response-ability of the outcome and circumstances of your life to some other person or entity.

As a victim, we tell ourselves that it’s not our fault; it’s the Government’s fault, or our significant other’s fault, or our friend’s fault or our parents’ fault. If you really get creative you can imagine a whole range of people to blame for your life.

But the truth is that you are the one making the choices in your life. YOU have the free will and ability to CHOOSE to connect to Love, or not.

If you’re like me, you’ve probably made a mistake or two in your life (or dozens… lol). For a long time it was easy to blame people for the outcome. When things didn’t go the way I WANTED them too I would just make it someone else’s fault.

But, I started to learn differently. Thanks to teachers like Caroline Myss, Wayne Dyer, Tony Robbins, M.Scott Peck, Jan Shepherd, Sophie Chiche and most recently Jesus, I began to learn how to take my power back. I began to see that the way we thrive is by making out INNER WORLD stronger than the outer world.

Tony Robbins will tell you that the story you tell yourself about your life will dictate the outcome of it. Caroline Myss reminds us that CHOICE is the most important power in The Uni-verse. Dr. Dyer teaches that it is the power of your INTENTION that forms the outcome of your life. Mr. Peck will tell you that life is hard and that when you realize and accept that, that life is no longer hard. Jan would tell you to put the loving first and to keep your dreams and visions grounded and in real time. And Sophie would remind us to love ourselves big time and to keep our thoughts in alignment with what we want, rather than what we don’t want. And of course, the big JC teaches unconditional Love and says we can experience this Love when we have right thought, take right action and keep our focus off of ourselves and keep it instead on Love.

How could you possibly let yourself be a victim knowing all these things?

If you really get that these lessons are REAL and TRUE and WORK, then, if you’re like me, you will feel called to turn your mess into a message.

Add value to other people’s lives and value will be added to your own. Being of service and taking the wounds of your life and turning them into lessons and sharing your experience with others will do more good to you and the planet than almost anything else.

To be human is to be messy, to screw up and to not get it right – that just comes with the territory. But it’s not right thought or action to assume the role of the victim. It may seem safer and it may even seem true. But what’s true is that you can take the wounds, messes and tragedies if your life and use them for good.

You can take your power back from people, groups and anything else that says you are powerless. You are POWERFUL, but you have to choose to be in your power and to step up.

Keep your thoughts on Love. Take and assume respons-ability for your life. Things may have happened in your past that you have no control over. But what you DO have control over is how you respond to those events. Do you want to let those events get the best of you, or do you want to rise to the occasion, pick yourself up by the bootstraps and say, “I got this?”

You may not have been able to control what happened in the past, but you have 100% control over what you CHOOSE to believe and as a result where you go from here.

Mheyah
Connection Point Counselling.com

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Speaking From the Heart

What’s Your Heart Say? taken from a newsletter by Rick Hanson

The Practice Speak from the heart.
Why?
One Christmas I hiked down into the Grand Canyon, whose bottom lay a vertical mile below the rim. Its walls were layered like a cake, and a foot-high stripe of red or gray rock indicated a million-plus years of erosion by the Colorado river. Think of water – so soft and gentle – gradually carving through the hardest stone to reveal great beauty. Sometimes what seems weakest is actually most powerful.

In the same way, speaking from an open heart can seem so vulnerable yet be the strongest move of all. Naming the truth – in particular the facts of one’s experience, which no one can disprove – with simplicity and sincerity, and without contentiousness or blame, has great moral force. You can see the effects writ small and large, from a child telling her parents “I feel bad when you fight” to the profound impact of people describing the atrocities they suffered in Kosovo or Rwanda.

I met recently with a man whose marriage is being smothered by the weight of everything unsaid. What’s unnamed is all normal-range stuff – like wishing his wife were less irritable with their children, and more affectionate with him – but there’s been a kind of fear about facing it, as if it could blow up the relationship. But nottalking is what’s actually blowing up their relationship – and in fact, when people do communicate in a heartfelt way, it’s dignified and compelling, and it usually evokes support and open-heartedness from others.
How?
This week, look for one or more opportunities to speak from your heart. Pick a topic, a person, and a moment that’s likely to go well.

Before you talk:
Ground yourself in good intentions. To discover and express the truth, whatever it is. To help yourself and the other person.

Get a basic sense of what you want to say. Focus on your experience: thoughts, feelings, body sensations, wants, memories, images, the dynamic flow through awareness; it’s hard to argue with your experience, but easy to get into wrangles about situations, events, the past, or problem-solving.

Be confident. Have faith in your sincerity, and in the truth itself. Recognize that others may not like what you have to say, but you have a right to say it without needing to justify it; and that saying it is probably good for your relationship.

When you speak:
Take a breath and settle into your body.

Recall being with people who care about you. (This will help deepen your sense of inner strength, and warm up the neural circuits of wholeheartedness.)

Soften your throat, eyes, chest, and heart. Try to find a sense of goodwill, even compassion for the other person.

Bring to mind what you want to say.

Take another breath, and start speaking.

Try to stay in touch with your experience as you express it. Don’t get into any sense of persuasion, justification, defensiveness, or problem-solving. (That’s for later, if at all.) Be direct and to the point; when people truly speak from the heart, they often say what needs to be said in a few minutes or less; it’s the “case” wrapped around the heart of the matter that takes all those extra words.

Keep coming back to the essential point for you, whatever it is (especially if the other person gets reactive or tries to shift the topic). And feel free to disengage if the other person is just not ready to hear you; maybe another time would be better. “Success” here is not getting the other person to change, but you expressing yourself.

As appropriate, open to and encourage the other person speaking from the heart, too.

And afterwards: know that whatever happened, you did a good thing. It’s brave and it’s hard (especially at first) to speak from the heart. But so necessary to make this world a better place.

Mheyah Bailey
Connection Point Counselling.com

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The High Cost of Anger

The High Cost of Resentment and Anger
By Nancy Wasson, Ph.D.

Many spouses carry heavy suitcases filled with a collection of anger and resentment from their marriage. Periodically, they unpack these suitcases and review every situation in which they feel they were treated unfairly.

“Resentment is an extremely bitter diet, and eventually poisonous. I have no desire to make my own toxins,” declares Neil Kinnock. Hanging on to anger and resentment is toxic, and the resulting sludge can slowly poison you and your relationships.

It’s easy to lose your perspective about the bigger picture and to become obsessed with how things “should” have been and how others “should” have treated you. In your mind, you may visualize yourself zapping the other person with the perfect verbal comeback or having the opportunity to get even in some way. The more you let your mind gallop in this direction, the angrier you get and the more you feel self-righteous and justified in your reaction.

When you become mired in anger, resentment, blame, and revenge, you are only hurting yourself. In the process, you put yourself at risk for experiencing health problems, sleeping difficulties, depression, relationship rifts, and daily agitation. You automatically increase your stress level and decrease your enjoyment of life. And the longer you carry a grudge, the heavier it gets.

Nothing you do to try to find inner peace will be effective when you are filled with anger and resentment. “If we have not peace within ourselves, it is in vain to seek it from outward sources,” states Francois de La Rochefoucauld. As long as you hold on to bitter feelings, you are sabotaging yourself by destroying any chance that you can experience peace of mind.

Dr. Wayne Dyer, in 10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace, states: ” It’s your ego that demands that the world and all the people in it be as you think they should be.” He continues by saying, “It is perhaps the most healing thing that you can do to remove the low energies of resentment and revenge from your life completely.” Dr. Dyer compares resentment to venom that continues to circulate in your system long after the snakebite has occurred. He emphasizes that it’s not the bite that kills you; it’s the venom.

What Is the Antidote to Anger?

How can you find peace of mind? How can you handle your feelings of anger and resentment from the experiences in your marriage? How can you create a peaceful marriage now?

The answer lies in letting go of resentment and practicing forgiveness. You can’t change what has happened, and you can’t control what your spouse chooses to do. But you do have control over the choices you make.

You can choose to cut the emotional bond that is keeping you tied to your anger and resentment. Instead, you can decide to experience the joy of freedom from the heavy burdens you have been carrying around for so long. To get the help you need in letting go of the past, you always have the option of asking a therapist or minister to assist you.

Thomas Fuller observes, “He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself; for every man has need to be forgiven.” Without forgiveness, your life becomes an endless cycle of anger, resentment, and retaliation.

You practice forgiveness so that you can stop ruminating about the past and put your energy into the present moment. And you practice forgiveness so you will be free from the poisonous effects of resentment.

Then, you can experience peace of mind and bring inner peacefulness into your marriage. You will never have a peaceful marriage until you are at peace within yourself.

Mheyah @ Connection Point Counselling & Coaching
www.connectionpointcounselling.com

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Brain Fitness

Here is a great article I want to share with you about the
“10 Ways You Can Take Care of Your Brain” by Ruth M Buczynski, PhD,
and if you would like to know more about how to “think your way to more love, happiness and successand how to change your brain, go to the Mind Map section on my website www.connectionpointcounselling.com or call me anytime to discuss the possibilities 778-881-0410

We all like to be at our best and to do that, you’ve got to take care of your brain. And now science is showing us how.We used to think that the brain was fixed at about age 5 – and that it wasdownhill from there. But recently, some pioneering work in neurobiologyhas turned that thinking right on it’s head. Scientists are now finding thatwe have the capacity to re-wire brain circuits and to grow new neurons.Its known as neuroplasticity – the brain’s ability to be flexible and to rewire in response to experience. Ever since neuroscientists discovered neuroplasticity and also neurogenesis (the brain’s ability to grow new neural networks),practitioners have sought to bring these new findings to their patients. So that’s what you have here, a snapshot of 10 things you can do to takecare of your brain. And the news gets even better: They work!

1. Aerobic exercise is one of the best things you can do for your brain. At any age! Why? Because Aerobic exercise increases BDNF, which stands for brain-derived neurotrophic factor.When BDNF is released into the system, brain growth and neural connections are enhanced. John Ratey calls it “miracle grow” for the brain .So, go out and get moving (and that doesn’t mean you have to run a marathon). If exercise is new to you, then start by walking, dancing, or even swimming, short distances at first, building up your stamina over a month’s time.And parents – get your kids to turn off the TV, the internet and the video games, and go outsideand play. And if you are a manager or work in an office, suggest that the staff take a walk duringlunch, or lead them in some jumping jacks before a meeting or a brain storming session.

2. Weight training not only builds muscles and contributes to bone health, but it also improves cognitive functioning, such as decision making, resolving conflict, and improving focus.

3. The hippocampus, a part of the brain in charge of long term memory and spatial navigation ,plays a huge role in learning – so anything we can do to support the hippocampus can be helpful, but the corollary is also true – it’s important to avoid anything that makes the hippocampus shrink. More about this later.

4. The amygdala, the area of your brain that’s involved in processing emotional events, has been trained to be on the alert for danger. Evolution has hard-wired us this way for survival, but this hyper-alert state can be very harmful – it affects our blood pressure and our interpersonal relationships and it it also affects our brains

5. Meditation, often undertaken as a calming practice, has been shown to quiet the amygdala and activate the hippocampus. Remember, anything that supports the hippocampus is good for you.

6. The cerebral cortex, which is involved in memory, perception, awareness and thought begins to thin with age. Researchers are finding that mindfulness meditation practice can thicken cell walls in the brain.

7. Too much stress can be harmful, not just to the cardiovascular system, but also to your brain. Recent studies are showing that when corticosteroids (the stress hormone) were increased ,neurogenesis (brain growth) decreased. Corticosteroids are hormones released from the adrenals in response to stress. So, when stress went up, brain growth, or what’s known as neurogenesis, went down. In fact, chronic stress can shrink the brain making it hard to learn new information or to even simply retain the information you already have.

8. You need to find the sweet spot for neuroplasticity. New learning is most likely to take place when the brain has an optimal amount of arousal. Too much arousal, and the brain shuts down; not enough and it gets distracted and lazy. For teachers, parents, and managers, this is especially useful information .

9. There is a harmful side of neuroplasticity. We normally think of the possibility of brain growth and change as a positive thing, but there can also be a dark side to neuroplasticity. When you are experiencing trauma, you are also in learning mode. But this time, your brain is laying down neural connections that include vivid memories and sensations of terrifying experiences. That’s why it’s important to deal with trauma with a trained professional as soon as possible.

10. We all have the capacity to change our brains. Neuroplasticity makes it possible. So, begin with these tips and get started today.

Copyright © 2011 by Ruth M Buczynski, PhD, Licensed The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine www.nicabm.com

Mheyah Bailey @ www.Connection Point Counselling.com