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How to deal with other people’s Big Feelings

 

6 Ways to deal with other people’s “Big Feelings” by Mheyah Bailey

I ran out of compassion, curiousity and courage the other day. All the important relationship principles were here in my heart and head, and then in a flash they were gone and I mean gone.
I am again reminded of how hard it is to stay grounded when someone else is yelling, upset and angry. I think I should qualify that. Anyone can yell and it doesn’t affect me, however if someone I love and care about yells and is upset, that is a completely different story.

I have a tendency to fall into complete trauma when anyone yells at me and appears to be angry with me. I interpret angry loud communication, which in our family we call Big Feelings, as very threatening to the relationship, could possible mean the relationship is over, I have been bad in some way and I am not loved. It hits me in my most vulnerable place of fear of losing love, not being good enough or not being loveable.
That is my old story and sometimes my history really jumps up and bites me, as my brain seems to have a mind of it’s own and just goes off into this weird place of threat and fear. I felt blindsided by my vulnerable self and couldn’t hang onto my adult, mature self. Counselors are human after all.
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Well the truth is that our brains actually do that. If anyone has been the recipient of trauma or abuse then the trauma is most likely hardwired into the brain. That is essentially what PTSD is and sometimes when I am surprised by what I perceive as an attack I melt down just like I would have as a child in the face of abandonment and rejection.
I know in my logical brain that isn’t true but in the heat of the moment I have to talk my way into a calmer more rational place. So how does one self soothe during relationship conflict, stress, trauma or drama? I believe it is much the same for a lot of people and is how arguments start because both parties feel they must defend themselves from attack. The trick is to self soothe so you don’t fall into defensiveness and attack back.

It is particularly damaging to live with negative emotions such as contempt, judgment and anger and is up to both parties to learn to be responsible for their reactions and responses.

This article however is for you, while dealing with an upset person. 

Here are 6 actions you can do to help yourself when someone else is really upset.

  1. Cry and run away. Just kidding, that was my 6 year old talking
  1. Set a Boundary and take a time out- hold up the hand and say I need time out and I will talk to you when you stop raising your voice and I feel calm.
    No one deserves to be yelled at and you don’t need to take responsibility for someone else’s feelings. It is their responsibility to learn to share their feelings in a positive and healthy way. Your part is to set a boundary about what kind of treatment you will accept. The person with the Big Feelings is most likely not able to soothe themselves yet, so it is up to you to create the space for everyone to return to calm. It doesn’t mean the issue has gone away, it just means both parties can return to the conversation and find resolution. A time out is essential so that you have the time to self soothe, calm down, become conscious of your own feelings, needs and values and return to a place of commitment, curiousity, compassion and courage. Remind yourself ‘I am not responsible for anyone else’s feelings’
    boundaries-1
  2. Don’t take it personally As you are taking your time out remember and repeat ‘this isn’t about me’ ‘this isn’t about me’  ‘this isn’t about me’
    Someone who is upset, angry and expressing themselves loudly is most likely feeling hurt, in pain and feeling threatened in some way themselves, so it is vital to not make up any stories about what it all means and remember that it says more about them than it does about you and repeat ‘I am not responsible for anyone else’s feelings’

    nothing anyone says or does means anything about you

  3. Breathe deeply, concentrate on breathing from your stomach and as the old saying goes count to 10 or maybe even 100. We forget to breath and when we are faced with conflict, stress or trauma we start to breath very shallow which deprives the brain and organs of much need oxygen. If you notice you are breathing in your upper chest, stand against a wall and breath through your lower abdomen. It will increase oxygen and automatically relieve stress and repeat ‘I am not responsible for someone else’s feelings’Keep Calm
  4. See a counselor or coach to work through your brain wiring, communication skills, boundary setting and other roadblocks to contentment and successful relationships.
    Some counselors and coaches including myself offer crisis management if you need to connect with someone for support either through email or phone calls. I have found it can be very beneficial to support my clients through conflict in the moment rather than wait until the event is over. It can help uncover those hidden core tapes that are usually the cause of our reactions.
    There are many techniques to achieve calm in the face of stress through meditation, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitizing Reprocessing) hypnosis, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) just to name a few and repeat ‘ I am not responsible for some else’s feelings’DSC_2976
  5. Meditate for 10 to 30 minutes. There are many options out there for meditating and is probably the most valuable tool for soothing oneself and changing the state of your brain from stress to calm. There are abundant resources for guided meditations or meditating on your own. Either way meditating is the best solution for taking a step back, self soothe and reminding yourself ‘you are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings’
    TimeOut
  6. Remind yourself what you are responsible for. You are only responsible to stay responsibly connected. What does that mean? Well I can tell you what it doesn’t mean first. It doesn’t mean, that you accept abuse, disrespect, contempt, judgment, accusations, blame, criticism, name calling etc.
    What it does mean is that you recognize and can discern that someone is just upset and lost their ‘stuff’ You know that you trust them and yourself to remain in the relationship until it is resolved, that you are responsible for your own reactions, responses and feelings and have learned communication skills that creates connection rather than disconnection and that you really, really get, that your are not responsible for some else’s feelings but you are responsible for responding with awareness of yourself, compassion, curiousity, love, courage and are committed to collaborating to resolve the issue.
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loveLove Mheyah 
Please connect with me at
www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com

facebook@connectionpointcentre
twitter@mheyahbailey
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8 Steps to Happier Relationships


Relationship Revolution-
8 Steps to Happier Relationships by Mheyah Bailey
Also published on Metro LivingZine 

I am reminded everyday of the importance of what we choose to say, who we choose to be and how we choose to share what we think, how we feel and what is important to us.
Everything is a message to the world, the people we care about and how we share that message determines the quality of our relationships and the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.
I can guarantee you that if you are experiencing conflict, feeling upset with people and the world around you, your relationships are rocky, you feel alone, disrespected and misunderstood. The opposite can be worse, if you feel apathy, numb and disconnected.

There is a solution and the solution is Radical Responsibility.
The good news: there is no other solution and the bad news: there is no other solution.

The only solution is to look within and discover yourself. Relationships are an open invitation to learn and grow, an opportunity to unearth the truth and find the deeper meaning of what you think and how you feel so you can share the real you.
I believe it is a privileged opportunity to be in relationships that struggle, because those challenges give you the opportunity to look at your part in it and teach you how to be responsible for what you are contributing to the way the relationship is at the moment.

I believe initially we all look outside of ourselves to find the cause of our unhappiness, but the best and worst news is, happiness isn’t outside ourselves; it is all to be found inside. The majority of my clients arrive for a first session complaining about their partners and what they are doing wrong to make them unhappy. It can be a hard concept to grasp that relationships are really individual inside work and to create truly happy successful relationships each person in the partnership will have to be radically responsible for themselves.

8 Steps you can take today to create a Happier Relationship:

Show Up
Although our culture has framed dependency as a bad thing, a weakness, it is not. Being attached to someone provides our greatest sense of security and safety. It means depending on a partner to respond when you call, to know that you matter to him or her, that you are cherished, and that they will respond to your emotional needs” And of course this is where being COMMITTED is of the utmost importance as other people need to know that you aren’t going anywhere, that you will do what you say you will do, that you are committed to the process, even through the challenging conversations that aren’t easy to have, that you won’t go far when you need space and that you can be relied on to come back, that you are reliable to follow through, that you are committed to the values that are important to you both, like honesty or integrity, that you have an agreement of acceptable behaviour between you, are loyal, collaborative, caring, compassionate, are on the same team, that you show up like you say you will, that you accept responsibility for yourself, that you are consistent, that you can depend on one another……………this all builds TRUST. Partners need to know that you choose them everyday over everyone else.
This is showing up.
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Take Time Out
Just like a wayward child we all need a time out sometimes and we all need to take responsibility for when we need that time out. If we are tired, stressed, upset, not emotionally available, physically drained, on overload or flooded it is our responsibility to look after ourselves. Take a time out and do what you need to do to regroup. It is important to manage stress and process what we are stressed or upset about. Some people watch TV, listen to music, read, meditate, exercise, walk in nature, get away for the weekend or spend time with friends etc. I am sure you have your own list. There are two caveats to taking a timeout that are most important.

1. Let your partner, friend or colleague know that you need to regroup and assure them that you will be back and state when you will be able to that. This builds trust and safety.
2. We all have our exits in life and I would like to suggest that there are positive ways to manage stress and negative ones. Some activities will damage your relationships and cause harm to you and everyone around you, so choose wisely what you do to manage stress and upset. Everyday you get to choose what you want more of in your life.
So ask yourself “ Will this bring me more connection, love and success or less connection, love and success” Your choice 

TimeOut

Have Compassion
For any successful healthy relationship both parties need to feel heard, understood, appreciated and accepted. To achieve that we all need to have an endless well of compassion. If we are to improve our connections with others we need to suspend judgment, our own self-talk and reactivity. Empathy and compassion are the underlying premise of all positive connections and conversations and is the cord between hearts. Compassion is different than sympathy and is simply the ability to remain in an open loving heart and be with someone else’s pain and upset even when it is sometimes directed at you. This often is difficult to actually achieve, however it is vitally important to any relationship personally or professionally.

Compassion is a Verb

Be Vulnerable- Have Courage
Suffice to say that relationships need a lot of courage. To be in a healthy relationship one needs to be vulnerable, which of course is the proverbial double edged sword or catch 22, because to be vulnerable means to be open to hurt and pain. So if you have to be vulnerable to have a healthy working relationship it will definitely take a lot of courage to come from that open vulnerable place. When our hearts or reputation or ego’s are involved it takes monumental courage to face ones fear of potential abandonment, criticism, feeling rejected or unlovable.

BRENE BROWN says: “Vulnerability is scary, but it’s also a powerful and authentic way to live. Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences. She defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure”
Think about the vulnerability it takes to love someone – whether it’s your parents, siblings, spouse or close friends. Love is filled with uncertainties and risks.
As Brown notes, the person you love might or might not love you back. They might be in your life for a long time or they might not. They might be terrifically loyal or they might stab you in the back. Think about the vulnerability it takes to share your ideas with the world, not knowing how your work will be perceived. You might be appreciated, laughed at or downright skewered. Vulnerability is hard. But what can make it even harder — needlessly so — are the inaccurate assumptions we hold about it, like vulnerability is being weak, some of us don’t experience vulnerability or that to be vulnerable you must spill all your secrets. Vulnerability embraces boundaries and trust. Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them. Being vulnerable takes courage. But it’s worth it. It’s worth it to be ourselves, to connect to others”
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Be Creative-Learn-Imagine-Play
Pick a hobby or recreation that you enjoy as it will balance out daily stress. This is one of the most important aspects to happiness in my mind and is also one of the most important aspects for healthy relationships. It is vitally important to continue or find your creative centre for your relationships to thrive. When you feel fulfilled and expressing yourself creatively it will keep your relationship sparkling with enthusiasm and inspiration too.
Learn something new every day-Whenever we learn something new, including new attitudes, perspectives, or behaviors, we are changing the physical structure of the brain. Educate yourself, your mind and your spirit and you will feel happier and your relationships more fun and fulfilling.

 

"respond to every call"

Be Curious
We are all born curious, it is a natural quality we all possess. Curiousity is what makes us humans learn to crawl, seek, taste, see, experience, create, philosophize, dream, explore, change. Curiousity is foundational to all creativity and is an essential principle to creating successful relationships.
Why you might ask? Well if you aren’t curious in life and love then you limit yourself to only what you know already. That will be the limit of your experience and understanding. To seek to understand more is an exceedingly important quality in your relationships because we can never truly understand another persons experience without delving deeper. It is important to not believe we actually know what anyone else is experiencing and to be ever so gently open and non-judgmentally curious.

I believe it is invaluable to be deeply interested in what another person is trying to express with no agenda other than to understand, and in turn being deeply curious about yourself, what you are feeling and what you need to express as well.

Being curious shows that you care, that you are interested; that how the other person feels is important to you and that they are important to you.

While being curious you need to be able to listen without judgment or interrupting. Listening means to be silent and that your brain is entirely engaged with the other person’s experience and how they are feeling as they struggle to express what is going on for them, while also being mindful of your own feelings and responses. Being curious means you ask questions that show your interest in learning more such as:
What is that like? What happened? How do you feel about that? What happened? How do you feel? What is important about that to you? What do you need? Can you help me understand? How can I help?

curious

Be Truthful
As Don Miguel Ruiz says “be impeccable with your word” Tell the truth, don’t tell people what they want to hear or what you think you should say, be honest about what you think, how you feel and what you need however choose your words carefully and follow the golden rules of Connection Point communication.
1. Choose your intention (what you hope will happen)
2. State what happened without criticism or judgment
3. Share how you feel (anger is not a feeling)
4. Explain what you need and value
5. Ask for what you would like to see happen

truth

Be Appreciative
In my experience in life, personally and professionally, it seems to be such an important ingredient to feel APPRECIATED and to have HOPE of that eventuality, which to most of us equates to feeling LOVED.

I am convinced that one of the main reasons relationships break down is because of this lack of feeling APPRECIATED, whether it is a couple, family, friend or professional relationship.

Our level of satisfaction and fulfillment will undoubtedly suffer because of a lack of appreciation. The majority of people who look outside their relationships, look for new jobs or a change in circumstances, generally are looking for appreciation, wanting to feel valued, understood and a connection for which they feel is lacking in their current relationships or situations.
It really doesn’t take a lot to show APPRECIATION, which is a close cousin to good old-fashioned manners. Psychology teaches us that people are motivated to contribute to the greater good and feeling appreciated and valued for what we contribute is the currency for feeling fulfillment and happiness. It doesn’t mean that we need to have appreciation to contribute; it just means that it can be more fulfilling, meaningful and ensure our continued interest in contributing if we do.
I really value knowing I made a difference in someone’s life and am far more motivated by APPRECIATION than money 🙂
I believe APPRECIATION is a very important human need and I think we can all forget to show our appreciation for others and fall into the trap of taking our relationships for granted.
So if LOVE is an ACTION word and APPRECIATION is the currency for fulfillment, how are you going to show your appreciation to others today.
I will show

Let have an appreciation-day
Here are some suggestions.

  1. Notice and acknowledge a job completed
  2. Say thank you to someone for the difference they make in your life, even the little things, because the little things are really important. (I think I may not have thanked my husband for bringing me tea in bed every morning)
  3. Doing the APPRECIATION exercise. Three things I really appreciate about you today is……….and this works great with your children (or employees) and helps build their confidence, self esteem and their trust in their value to their community or family in the case of ones children
  4. Do something for someone without expectation of anything in return
  5. Give positive feedback ie: Wow the dinner is amazing. Thank you for making it for us or thank you for ensuring those emails got out or….
  6. Send a card to thank someone for something you really value they do or did for you
  7. Hug people you care about, hug people just because…..
  8. Say I love you and WHY you love them, not just the 3 words but add what it is about them that you value, admire and respect.
  9. Call, text or email just because you want to positively connect
  10. Notice all the jobs that get done and mention that you noticed
  11. Leave a note of appreciation for someone to find. It’s called A NICE NOTE!
  12. Use reflective listening so others know you really heard them

Go be happy and create positive connections and change your relationships one conversation at a time.

loveLove Mheyah ♥
Please connect with me at
www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com

facebook@connectionpointcentre
twitter@mheyahbailey
instagram@mheyahbailey
pinterest@mheyahbailey

Find out more about Mheyah

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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BOUNDARIES & THE CHAMPAGNE DILEMMA

Successful Communication Made Simple Series by Mheyah Bailey
also published on Metro LivingZine

The last couple of months we have been discussing what it means to be “Fiercely Accountable” This topic fits under the principle of Consciousness in the 5 Simple Steps for Successful Communication. Consciousness or awareness if you would rather is one of the fundamental qualities one needs to be a Stellar Communicator. When we talk about Consciousness I suggested that all healthy and successful relationships personally or professionally start with knowing yourself first and this is an important truth.
This week we will be discussing; to be Fiercely Accountable one must be able to tell others what you need and value and that means setting clear boundaries honestly and compassionately.
In our series so far we have discussed the principles and qualities one needs to be a great communicator and are learning what it takes to actually action these principles. We have chatted about the 5 principles that are necessary for stellar communication, Consciousness, Compassion, Curiousity, Courage and Commitment and we have also briefly touched on the 5 Simple Steps for Successful Communication: Intentions, Observations, Feelings, Values, Requests.

So we are moving on to setting boundaries and what that really means. Simply put, it means drawing a line in the sand and saying: this is me, this is who I am and this what I need and value.
Draw a Line

Boundaries are limits that you establish within yourself and express to others what’s acceptable to you, what’s not acceptable, what you’ll tolerate, what you’ll put up with and what the consequences are if your boundaries are crossed.
Boundaries have to do with your own self-respect, your self-esteem, your beliefs, your preferences, what you need and value and is truly being your most authentic and honest self.
Someone with healthy, established boundaries, for example, can and will say ‘NO’
So, if you have healthy established boundaries, you are comfortable saying ‘NO’ 
You don’t become stressed, or anxious or worry about it. If something’s not right for you, you can say ‘NO’ compassionately and collaboratively. If you can’t say “NO it can be a challenge to learn but is an important principle in any successful relationship.
A person with healthy, established boundaries can take responsibility for their own feelings and behavior. They don’t blame others for how they feel and don’t take on the role of victim. This is being Fiercely Accountable or even I would go so far as to say “Radically Responsible”

Fences

It is essential for any successful relationship that both individuals are able to clearly and compassionately communicate their boundaries to get their own needs met.  The ability to do this creates a healthy strong foundation for both people where they can trust each other to speak honestly and truthfully taking any guess work out of the equation.
It seems whenever I am inspired to write something it inevitably shows up in my life right in that very moment and I am reminded to live life through my principles and not compromise myself which can be the danger if I lose sight of my commitment to being Radically Responsible.

So not only did something completely personal show up about setting boundaries but also people started sharing their own stories where they need to set boundaries and show up with their truth, which I will share with you to illustrate what I mean.

This is a brief example of how relationships can be impacted by years of not sharing what you need and want and being clear with someone.
I am calling it the “Champagne Dilemma” 

Champagne

A friend of mine was sharing with me how he does not get on with his sister and as usual my curiosity compels me to enquire “in what way does he not get on with his sister” He started to explain that she doesn’t adhere to certain standards and when he arrives for some celebration or another, the champagne will be warm and in his opinion the food is less than optimal for a classy occasion. He believes certain standards are important when entertaining and this level of inattention to what is important to him has caused a rift in his relationship with his sister and he is unwilling to even visit anymore. Now when I heard this story I asked him, as one does, if he had considered mentioning how he feels about this to his sister. Of course the answer was a big NO, he would never want to upset his sister by telling her how he feels, but instead he has let it impact his relationship with her and they are not close as they once were. Now to be fair my friend is a foodie and owns 3 restaurants so you can see why this would be important to him and you can imagine my wonderings all the way home about this situation. Hope you can see where this is leading.

This is more about sharing ones preferences than needing to draw a line in the sand but it does illustrate how not sharing can be a doomsday for any relationship.
If my friend was compassionately clear about his preferences for chilled champagne with his sister imagine all the possibilities for better understanding of each other, which creates friendship and intimacy and hopefully a good laugh at our humanity at the end of the day.
He could suggest he bring the champagne and food to support his sister in creating the occasion. He could gently say, oh I see we have champagne again, I love champagne, would you mind if I throw it in the freezer to chill for a bit. I love my champagne a wee bit chilly LOL
The possibilities are endless as to how this could be resolved so my friend gets his needs met for what he values, and also preserve and possibly improve the connection between him and his sister (who I am sure is a lovely lady who just doesn’t think about the champagne in the same way her brother does) Can you think of any solutions that you would use?

To be Radically Responsible means my friend would own that this is his issue not his sisters and it is up to him to resolve it and to really look at his own response to the issue. I have this great formula I use when I have an issue come up. It really helps me identify what is going on for me and helps me see what I need or value and if I need to share how I feel or I need to work on my own ‘stuff’. Going through this exercise helps me discern what is my responsibility and what is someone else’s.
I look at the situation and ask myself three questions:

  1. What am I judging? Really don’t want to judge others.
  2. What am I resisting? Yup, that means I am resisting what is real and not accepting what is the truth in that moment.
  3. What am I attached to? Have to say life is way better when I am not attached to ‘stuff’ and ‘outcomes’ This is when I need to remind myself to TRUST. Trust in whatever is important to you.

boundaries-1 I think we all can sometimes fear that we may be rejected or cause upset if we express an opinion or ask for something we need and want. It’s a lovely quality to want to please someone you care about or work with, but some people don’t think they have a choice and saying “no” causes them anxiety and fear.. This can be called co-dependent behaviour however is not a behaviour that only co-dependent people engage in. Some people, co-dependent or not have a hard time saying “No” to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.

Boundaries make a divider between what is your responsibility and what is someone else’s responsibility, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. That’s where a lot of people get into trouble by having blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own feelings on others. It takes a lot of courage to set a clear boundary and then follow through in the face of the fear of potential consequences and equally some people have rigid boundaries, are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them.

So if you are unable to speak up and set healthy boundaries from a loving place, I would recommend you learn how. Speaking your truth is a loving courageous act to oneself and another and could save your partnerships in your life and create more authentic and honest connections with everyone. I believe it is our purpose in life to become our most authentic selves so we can better share our gifts with each other personally, professionally, globally, changing the world one conversation at a time.

loveLove Mheyah ♥ 
Please connect with me at www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com
facebook@connectionpointcentre
twitter@mheyahbailey
instagram@mheyahbailey
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Find out more about Mheyah 

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HAPPINESS PROJECT 101


Do you feel like you need a life makeover and don’t know where to start? Have you had some disappointments, losses, big changes, don’t know what to do? There are some missing pieces and you aren’t sure what they are or you just aren’t where you want to be in life yet? Having relationship issues, conflict, upsets, feeling disconnected or worse apathy has set in. You don’t feel like you know each other and feel all alone even though you are in a relationship.

Together, I will support, encourage and coach you through a JOURNEY OF DISCOVERY & TRANSFORMATION to wholeness & happiness. We will identify the necessary changes you need to move on to a life you envision for yourself, discover the missing pieces and learn new skills so you will be successful in all areas of your life personally and professionally. This program will help you feel happier, more at peace, have more loving relationships with less conflict and uncover your true heart’s calling and life purpose.

This is an EXCLUSIVE TRANSFORMATIVE COURSE for dedicated life changers. It is a hands on proactive coaching program that supports you to move from A to “WHEREVER YOU WANT” and includes, coaching with me one on one, your time and commitment, reading and homework until you are finished the course. We will not stop until you are where you want to be and have created the life you are envisioning for yourself.
TAKES APPROXIMATELY 6-10 WEEKS TO CREATE YOUR NEW LIFE

The program will help you CREATE an INSPIRED LIFE and I will support you to make your life an authentic expression of who you are from the INSIDE OUT.
This coaching course will guide you to get past what is holding you back from integrating all aspects of your magnificence into a life fully integrated with who you are at a core level.

“to live a conscious & inspired life one must use the wisdom of the heart & the power of the mind”
We will explore what you need to change to have a life full of more LOVE, HAPPINESS, FULFILLMENT, PURPOSE & BEAUTY.
We will unlock the keys to your fabulous delicious life.

Change can be so much easier with a coach, an advocate, a mentor, a champion.  I am committed to support, inspire, encourage and collaborate with you to create the life you want and I will help you leap into the life of your dreams.

Let me ask you:
Who are you being when facing life’s challenges?

Are you in touch with who you are and what you need?
Are you holding yourself back or seizing the opportunities?
Are you letting fear make your choices?
Are you able to communicate so you are heard and understood?
Are you living your best and most authentic self?
Are you feeling happy, fulfilled and successful?
Are your relationships healthy and full of love?
Are you living in integrity with your values?
Does your environment reflect who you are?
Does your lifestyle support your health and well being: emotionally, physically, spiritually?

How you answer these questions demonstrates your level of confidence, knowledge of yourself, your character and whether you have the right skills for a successful and happy life.  I will support you to create new empowering beliefs & behavior patterns that inspire confidence and move you toward your goals.
We will learn more about your values and how living in integrity with your values creates inner happiness and we will explore and eliminate self-destructive habits that are keeping you stuck.

I will teach you how to communicate authentically & effectively everywhere in your life so you feel confident and self assured in positive outcomes in all your relationships personally and professionally.
We will create a vision for your life and turn it into a reality so your life reflects who you are at your very core.

Please connect with me  to learn more.
Book your session below

or Register here for the course
DATE: AS SOON AS YOU ARE READY TO GET HAPPIER & CREATE A NEW LIFE
TIMES: YOUR CHOICE
WHERE: ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD, NORTH SHORE, VANCOUVER, YOUR OFFICE, IN PERSON, SKYPE, PHONE
EMAIL: mheyah@gmail.com

REGISTER FOR THE EXCLUSIVE HAPPINESS PROJECT 101 – $2999.00
OR 4 EQUAL PAYMENT PLANS OF $750 OVER 4 MONTHS.

 

Love Mheyah ♥

Please connect with me at
www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com

facebook@connectionpointcentre
twitter@mheyahbailey
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Skype Me™!Skype Mheyah

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Are you FIERCELY ACCOUNTABLE?

Relationship Revolution-Successful Communication Made Simple Series by Mheyah Bailey Also published on Metro LivingZine

These two powerful terms totally resonate with me. “Fierce Accountability” and “Radical Responsibility” I just feel their meaning deeply because they highlight my values for being responsible in relationships to others in all areas of life.

I believe we need to embrace 5 principles and qualities of consciousness, compassion, curiousity, committment and courage to have the ability to create awesome relationships personally and professionally. I want to explore more deeply what it takes to actually action the principle of consciousness, how to develop this quality and make the changes you need to create positive relationships going forward. These steps are what will change your life towards a direction you want; towards more harmonious relationships, more professional success and ultimately a happier and more fulfilling life.

Thinking impacts how you feel and only you can change how you think by becoming more aware of what you are saying to yourself and how you are feeling. You can’t have a feeling without thinking something.

What does it mean to be fiercely accountable?  For me that starts with the simple idea that no sentence starts with ‘You did this, You did that….” which implies that someone else is responsible and can often sound like a criticism and as we know relationships of any sort, personal or professional do not thrive on criticism.

Fierce accountability means that you take responsibility for your own feelings and needs, and express them in a positive and collaborative way. Doesn’t mean that you aren’t emotional but it means that you don’t blame anyone and that you are acutely aware of what you need to express without criticism, contempt, defensiveness or withdrawing known as the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse by Dr. John Gottman. It means staying in the conversation until everyone feels heard and understood and there is resolution and understanding. It means “own your stuff”

The 5 Simple Steps to Successful Communication is all about Fierce Accountability or Radical Responsibility……..I just LOVE those expressions.

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Managing to be fiercely accountable means you understand that you need to be clear with yourself first on how you are feeling, what you are thinking and what you need to happen going forward.
We know through science that what we think and the stories embedded in our minds affect our perspectives and how we feel. Then there are a few other underlying principles that one needs to be accomplished at to be a successful communicator.
One is being able to be in your own process of figuring out what you need. That means being able to wait until you understand what you are feeling and what you need.

We all have needs and values so learning what your needs are, is an important step to being more aware and conscious, which is essential if any of us are to create wonderful successful relationships. Sometimes for me I have to take time to process what I am feeling so I can sort out what I need and I would like to suggest that until you are clear you don’t even try to have any important conversation. One must have clarity and awareness of oneself to Create Successful Conversations.

To help you understand some of our needs I have listed our most basic human needs;

1) Physiological: hunger, thirst, bodily comforts etc

2) Safety/security: out of danger, emotionally and physically

3) Belongingness and Love: affiliated & connected with others, be accepted

4) Esteem: to achieve, be competent, gain approval and recognition

5) Cognitive: to know, to understand, and explore

6) Aesthetic: symmetry, order, and beauty

7) Self-actualization: to find self-fulfillment and realize one’s potential

8) Self-transcendence: to connect to something beyond the ego or to help others find self-fulfillment and realize they’re potential

These needs are huge drivers for our happiness and fulfillment and then beyond them are our individual personal needs such as respect, loyalty, honesty, authenticity, integrity, punctuality, cleanliness etc I think you get the idea.

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg author & creator of NVC-Non-Violent Communication says “conflicts between individuals or groups arise from miscommunication about their human needs, due to coercive or manipulative language that aims to induce fear, guilt, shame, etc. These modes of communication, when used during a conflict, divert the attention of the participants away from clarifying their needs, their feelings, their perceptions, and their requests, thus perpetuating the conflict”

This next statement to me is so profound, when you consider all the negative strategies we do use to get our needs met.

“NVC theory supposes all human behavior stems from attempts to meet universal human needs and that these needs are never in conflict. Rather, conflict arises when strategies for meeting needs clash. NVC proposes that if people can identify their needs, the needs of others, and the feelings that surround these needs, harmony can be achieved”

Let me share with you a wee simple story to explain what I mean. Some of you may even have experienced this yourself.

I have 4 wonderful adult sons, which means I have been through 4 teenage boys that all did sports and didn’t value or have a need for tidy rooms in the same way I did. Now some professionals would say “just close the door” and ultimately I know that is a good healthy option however I on the other hand need organization to feel relaxed and secure. So for awhile I was trying to do what the professionals tell you to do and failing miserably every time I would see their rooms I would get anxious and so not “zen” which was my responsibility to deal with, however sometimes one needs help and support to bring out ones Zen qualities.
Messy Room

I had to really figure out what was behind it for me and I learned a few things, I have a need for tidiness and organization and I value aesthetic beauty and symmetry. So once I was clear on that bit, I had to decide what my intention was before having the conversation, as I did not want to damage or strain my already fragile relationship with my teen. My intention was for my son to understand me and what was important to me in the HOPE that he might (if I was lucky) support me so I could feel more at peace. There was always the chance he might not think it important but I could at least try. Most people want to please others, as long as your request doesn’t compromise their needs or values. When presented with a well thought out request it is more than likely people will cooperate or at least negotiate with you for a compromise.

So here is what I said: 

1. INTENTION or HOPEI was hoping to help you understand how your room                     impacts me and that we have a conversation to come up with a solution that is a                   win-win for both of us.

2. STATING THE PROBLEM without criticism or judgment-When I see your room with clothes and sports gear on the floor

3. FEELINGS-I feel anxious, unsafe and unsettled

4. NEEDS & VALUES-because I have a need for order, cleanliness, tidiness and                    organization and value symmetry and beautiful surroundings

5. ASK-Would you be willing to clean up your room once a week and do laundry so your room is tidy and clean?

We have to be prepared for a no and not be attached to an outcome but the response I received was positive and showed me he understood what was important to me. He did collaborate with me to do his room and laundry once a week, which was my compromise as I would have unrealistically preferred it once a day LOL but the beauty of this is it shows how to create connection and cooperation rather than disconnection, discord and disharmony.

So I hope you can see the importance of understanding yourself so you can be clear on your feelings, needs and values so you can Create More Successful Conversations in your life. Here is an exercise to help you:
Fierce Accountability

FIGURING IT ALL OUT
You are the primary caregiver of all of your own needs physically, emotionally & spiritually. If you find yourself triggered, feeling anxious & panicked it is important to take some time to reflect on the real causes of the upset so as to not damage your relationships. Here are some ideas to help you stay with your own process and not get into the judging and blame game with anyone.

Here are a few questions we all can ask ourselves in regards to the issue at hand:
1.What am I feeling? Check in with your body, what can you feel and check in with what you are thinking, what am I saying to myself this means. Is it about something else current or historical? Am I being triggered? Why might that be? What story are you telling yourself? Ask yourself what is true?

2. Given these feelings, what do I need or want? How can I take responsibility and care for this? If appropriate, what do I need from others? Be concrete & specific: compassion, listening, acknowledgement, reassurance, support etc……..

3. Through compassion and curiosity spend some time contemplating: What is the other person’s perspective? What might their feelings & needs based on what you know about them or by what they are expressing?

4. Ask yourself; is there anything that I need to take responsibility for regarding the issue at hand? Am I causing disconnection & suffering? What am I doing that is contributing to the problem?
Ie: self-defeating behaviour like using my anger, quitting, lying, being defensive, blaming, criticizing and using contempt to name a few. What do I need to validate & acknowledge the other person’s experience?

5. Ask yourself; What is my intention? How will I share this information? Considering tone, timing, and honestly asking yourself: Am I ready (am I still reactive)? Am I coming from a place of love and an open heart with the intention to achieve understanding and to create connection?

CLICK HERE  to learn more about how SUCCESSFUL COMMUNICATION can create more LOVE, HAPPINESS & SUCCESS in all areas of your life

 

loveLove Mheyah ♥ 
Please connect with me at 

www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com
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Have you got Courage?


Courage is the Foundation for Radical Relationships by Mheyah Bailey
Also published on Metro LivingZine

We have talked about 5 Principles that are the foundation for Successful Relationships and what it takes to be a great communicator whether we are talking personally or professionally and we know that being able to positively and effectively communicate with others will determine the quality and success of our lives, relationships, overall well being, happiness and fulfillment.
“According to numerous surveys, approximately 85% percent of our success in life is directly attributable to our communication and relationship building skills. That means that no matter how ambitious someone is or how much they overcome their fears or how high their level of education, they’ll still have a low probability of going far in life without effective communication skills that are needed to really connect with people” Jonathan-Advanced Life Skills

So far we have looked at the value and importance of CONSCIOUSNESS, COMPASSION, CURIOUSITY, COMMITMENT and now we are going to look at how you need COURAGE  to create successful relationships.

"love and heart connection"

 

The latin root of the word courage is “cor” meaning heart and it is true
COURAGE TAKES HEART


 COURAGE- COUR-AGE /KUR-IJ/
Noun: The ability to do something that frightens one.
Strength in the face of pain or grief.
Synonyms: bravery – valour – valor – pluck – gallantry – nerve.

COURAGE TO SPEAK-THE COST OF NOT SPEAKING
At this point we must talk a little about codependence and what that means.

Codependency, by definition, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself. It means you’re trying to make the relationship work with someone who’s not. People with codependent tendencies give more value to others than to themselves and compromise their own needs for the sake of others.
The term codependency has been around for almost four decades. Although it originally applied to spouses of alcoholics, first called co-alcoholics, researchers revealed that the characteristics of codependents were much more prevalent in the general population than had been imagined and we all can have some of the characteristics of being co-dependent.

Living this way creates stress and leads to painful emotions such as shame and low self-esteem which creates anxiety and fear about being judged, rejected or abandoned; making mistakes; being a failure; feeling trapped by being close or being alone. The other symptoms then lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings get to be too much, people can feel numb by dissociating from the feelings.
Learning to speak up in the face of the fear of the consequences takes a lot of COURAGE to get passed, but it is possible with some effort and commitment on your part to be aware of what and where your fears stem from.

Codependents and lets be truthful, a lot of people not just codependents, have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs.
None of us can communicate anything if you don’t know what you think, feel or need and you can’t speak your truth if you are afraid of what reaction you will get. The other person ends up with a lot of power in the relationship when you are afraid to speak up for yourself and creates a power imbalance. If you are afraid to be truthful because you don’t want to upset someone else, you might pretend that everything is okay which compromises yourself and communication becomes dishonest, confusing and can carry resentment which is exceedingly harmful to any relationship.

Dr. Phil McGraw says “A relationship is only as good as both people getting their needs met” It doesn’t mean that one does and the other is afraid of the consequences of speaking their truth.
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2. VULNERABILITY
Suffice to say that relationships need a lot of courage because to be in a healthy relationship one needs to be vulnerable, which of course is the proverbial double edged sword or catch 22, because to be vulnerable means to be open to hurt and pain. So if you have to be vulnerable to have a healthy working relationship it will definitely take a lot of courage to come from that open vulnerable place. In fact more so than a lot of other opportunities to be courageous. When our hearts or reputation or ego’s are involved it takes monumental courage to face ones fear of potential abandonment, criticism, feeling rejected or my own feeling unlovable

BRENE BROWN says: Vulnerability is scary. But it’s also a powerful and authentic way to live. Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences. She defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure
Think about the vulnerability it takes to love someone – whether it’s your parents, siblings, spouse or close friends. Love is filled with uncertainties and risks. As Brown notes, the person you love might or might not love you back. They might be in your life for a long time or they might not. They might be terrifically loyal or they might stab you in the back.
Think about the vulnerability it takes to share your ideas with the world, not knowing how your work will be perceived. You might be appreciated, laughed at or downright skewered. Vulnerability is hard. But what can make it even harder — needlessly so — are the inaccurate assumptions we hold about it, like vulnerability is being weak, some of us don’t experience vulnerability or that to be vulnerable you must spill all your secrets. Vulnerability embraces boundaries and trust, she says. “Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them.

Being vulnerable takes courage. But it’s worth it. It’s worth it to be ourselves, to connect to others” Brene Brown Article on VULNERABILITY and her famous TED TALK It takes courage to be vulnerable professionally as well as  personally, and again is about living committed to authenticity.

3. BOUNDARY SETTING
People-pleasing is a strategy to meet a need and can go two ways: pleasing others out of fear of rejection if you don’t or pleasing others to feel important.
It’s a lovely quality to want to please someone you care about, but some people don’t think they have a choice and saying “no” causes them anxiety and fear.. This can be called co-dependent behaviour however is not a behaviour that only co-dependent people engage in. Some people, co-dependent or not have a hard time saying “No” to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.
Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others and divides up what is your responsibility and what is someone else’s responsibility, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. That’s where a lot of people, especially codependents get into trouble by having blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own feelings on others. It takes a lot of courage to set a clear boundary and then follow through in the face of the fear of potential consequences and equally some people have rigid boundaries, are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them.
It takes COURAGE to learn to be flexible, vulnerable and let people in, however it is one of the essential 5 principles that will support you to create a life full of love, happiness and success

loveLove Mheyah ♥ 
Please connect with me at 

www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com
facebook@connectionpointcentre
twitter@mheyahbailey
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We are all Committed to Something


Successful Communication Made Simple by Mheyah Bailey
Also published on Metro LivingZine

So this week we have the wonderful C- Word COMMITMENT.
When I started thinking of writing this weeks blog and after getting some great feedback from lots of people,  I realized that really what we have been talking about so far are qualities and principles. I have been calling them steps, which they aren’t really. Total AHA moment.
What I have now created is a SUPER SIMPLE STEP X STEP SYSTEM that has evolved out of all our conversations about the PRINCIPLES and QUALITIES it takes to be a STELLAR COMMUNICATOR.

It is one thing to talk about the principles one needs to positively communicate but entirely another to see what those steps actually look like and have a guide to learn from.
I realized that a Step by Step System could be really helpful for most people.

I know for myself it would be and thought you might appreciate one as well.

For now, I am going to continue with the 5 PRINCIPLES and QUALITIES.  We have already talked about the importance of CONSCIOUSNESS (fancy word for awareness of oneself) COMPASSION (fancy word for caring) and CURIOUSITY (fancy word for seeking to understand) and for today we are going to look at COMMITMENT
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So what does it really mean to be COMMITTED
COM-MIT-MENT [kuh-mit-muhnt] noun
1. the act of committing: dedicating, pledging, or engaging oneself.

2. a pledge or promise; obligation
3. engagement; involvement; allegiance; dedicated;
4. an act of committing to a charge or trust
5. the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled
6. being honour bound

There are 3 really important foundational parts to commitment: RESPONSIBILITY, TRUST and super important FOLLOW THROUGH. The really important value about commitment is for the very simple fact as humans one of our core needs is for security and safety, and in our significant LOVE relationships we need safety and security most of all. They have discovered that the relationship we have with our partner is as important a relationship as between a parent and child. Feeling insecure or in doubt about the stability of the connection can leave most people in a fragile state indeed, and this is when communication becomes vital to create the safety that is required for a collaborative loving relationship.

Dr. Sue Johnson creator of Emotional Focused Therapy and the author of a brilliant book Hold Me Tight about attachment theory and emotional connection says:
“We have a wired-in need for emotional contact and responsiveness from significant others. It’s a survival response, the driving force of the bond of security a baby seeks with its mother. This observation is at the heart of attachment theory. A great deal of evidence indicates that the need for secure attachment never disappears; it evolves into the adult need for a secure emotional bond with a partner. Think of how a mother lovingly gazes at her baby, just as two lovers stare into each other’s eyes. Although our culture has framed dependency as a bad thing, a weakness, it is not. Being attached to someone provides our greatest sense of security and safety. It means depending on a partner to respond when you call, to know that you matter to him or her, that you are cherished, and that he will respond to your emotional needs”
And of course this is where being COMMITTED is of the utmost importance as other people need to know that you aren’t going anywhere, that you will do what you say you will do, that you are committed to the process, even through the challenging conversations that aren’t easy to have, that you won’t go far when you need space and that you can be relied on to come back, that you are reliable to follow through, that you are committed to the values that are important to you both, like honesty or integrity, that you have an agreement of acceptable behaviour between you, are loyal, collaborative, caring, compassionate, are on the same team, that you show up like you say you will, that you accept responsibility for yourself, that you are consistant, that you can depend on one another……………this all builds TRUST.
trustThere is a lot more to say on the TRUST topic but suffice to say if you aren’t committed in the ways I have mentioned then TRUST is challenging to earn. I will get into more trust later however the essence is that being committed is essential to building strong relationships , which leads me to RESPONSIBILITY  (great article on Personal Responsibility) which is really the foundation of COMMITMENT and I do have to admit is one of my favourite topics because Personal Responsibility can be the one thing that is the hardest concept to grasp.

We are all 100% responsible for the choices we make everyday, for how we act and behave in any relationship personally or professionally. Being responsible for oneself is a commitment in itself. Hold up your right hand and say “I am 100% responsible for myself, how I act and behave, what I say and do and how I say and do it”
To be reliable and trustworthy takes commitment and what you are committed to shows in your life. Another way to say that, is your life and your relationships are a direct reflection of what you are committed to. We all live in a place of choice and our lives reflect our choices.
If you have a lot of drama in your life then you are committed to drama, if you are committed to love you have loving relationships, I am imagine you get the idea.
I am saying this with the caveat that there are lots of events in our lives we aren’t in control of and that “stuff happens” to all of us that is out of our realm of influence and power.
It can be a challenge to accept a 100% level of responsibility for ourselves, as it is human nature to look outside ourselves for the causes of our challenges, but when we learn to take responsibility and really choose who we want to be, then we have found an important piece to happiness and success.

FOLLOW THROUGH means you will do as you say you will: that is COMMITMENT, and when you follow through consistently you build TRUST, whether it is your special LOVE, KIDS, FRIENDS, PARENTS or CO-WORKERS. So COMMITMENT and RESPONSIBILITY are actions towards improving communication and connection with others.
It may sound like we are only talking about significant LOVE relationships but at the heart of the matter we all need COMMITMENT, TRUST and RESPONSIBILITY in all our relationships personally and professionally.

PLEASE SHARE IF YOU WISH AND TELL ME :  

Change

WHAT ARE YOU CHOOSING TO BE COMMITTED TO?

DO YOU NEED TO TAKE MORE RESPONSIBILITY SOMEWHERE IN YOUR LIFE?

Or please just add your comments and feedback as I am always happy to connect with you

loveLove Mheyah ♥ 
Please connect with me at 

www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com
facebook@connectionpointcentre
twitter@mheyahbailey
instagram@mheyahbailey
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Find out more about Mheyah 

 

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10 GREAT REASONS TO IMPROVE YOUR COMMUNICATION

 

10 Reason to Improve Communication

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TRUE COLOURS WORKSHOP

TRUE COLOURS FOR ANY OCCASION
True Colors is a model of personality identification that is easy to understand, remember and apply. With the colors of Blue, Gold, Green and Orange – True Colors distills the elaborate concepts of personality theory into a user-friendly, practical tool used to foster healthy productive relationships personally and professionally.  Mheyah is a Certified True Colours facilitator with True Colours International.

The core of the True Colors system identifies intrinsic values, motivations, self-esteem, sources of dignity and worthiness, causes of stress, communication styles, listening styles, non-verbal responses, language patterns, social skills, learning styles, environmental motivators, cultural appeal, negative mental states, relationship orientation, and ethical behaviors. A True Colors training provides:
Increased understanding of self and others
Expanded appreciation for valuing differences
Communication skill-building
Avenues for a more harmonious, productive environment
Easy integration into existing organizational framework and previous programs
A universal language that accelerates problem solving, increases trust, and reduces conflict

GREAT FUN FOR:

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FRIENDS NIGHT OUT

STAFF LUNCHES

PARTIES

WEDDING SHOWERS

EVENTS

CONFERENCES

STAFF TEAM BUILDING

CORPORATE RATES

“I was a participant in one of Mheyah’s Group Facilitations of True Colours and she was brilliant. She easily and expertly led us to individual awareness, gave us practical context for improving our communication with others, and challenged us to use our new knowledge in a fun and enlightening exercise. Mheyah is a skilled facilitator committed to high impact outcomes and I am very happy to recommend her work to groups of all types.” Michele Soregaroli-Business Differentiation Coach, Transformation Catalyst

Christine Awram of WOW-Women of Worth, Winner of the 2012 Outstanding Leadership Award and nominated for the Governor General’s Award this fall says- Mheyah is an absolute rockstar!
“I don’t have words to express how pleased I am with how the evening unfolded. You are completely in your sacred gifts, doing this work and it was so much fun. Thank you from my heart for stepping in and making such a powerful difference. You’re amazing!”

Love Mheyah 
If you would like to connect. Book your discovery session below
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