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8 Steps to Happier Relationships


Relationship Revolution-
8 Steps to Happier Relationships by Mheyah Bailey
Also published on Metro LivingZine 

I am reminded everyday of the importance of what we choose to say, who we choose to be and how we choose to share what we think, how we feel and what is important to us.
Everything is a message to the world, the people we care about and how we share that message determines the quality of our relationships and the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.
I can guarantee you that if you are experiencing conflict, feeling upset with people and the world around you, your relationships are rocky, you feel alone, disrespected and misunderstood. The opposite can be worse, if you feel apathy, numb and disconnected.

There is a solution and the solution is Radical Responsibility.
The good news: there is no other solution and the bad news: there is no other solution.

The only solution is to look within and discover yourself. Relationships are an open invitation to learn and grow, an opportunity to unearth the truth and find the deeper meaning of what you think and how you feel so you can share the real you.
I believe it is a privileged opportunity to be in relationships that struggle, because those challenges give you the opportunity to look at your part in it and teach you how to be responsible for what you are contributing to the way the relationship is at the moment.

I believe initially we all look outside of ourselves to find the cause of our unhappiness, but the best and worst news is, happiness isn’t outside ourselves; it is all to be found inside. The majority of my clients arrive for a first session complaining about their partners and what they are doing wrong to make them unhappy. It can be a hard concept to grasp that relationships are really individual inside work and to create truly happy successful relationships each person in the partnership will have to be radically responsible for themselves.

8 Steps you can take today to create a Happier Relationship:

Show Up
Although our culture has framed dependency as a bad thing, a weakness, it is not. Being attached to someone provides our greatest sense of security and safety. It means depending on a partner to respond when you call, to know that you matter to him or her, that you are cherished, and that they will respond to your emotional needs” And of course this is where being COMMITTED is of the utmost importance as other people need to know that you aren’t going anywhere, that you will do what you say you will do, that you are committed to the process, even through the challenging conversations that aren’t easy to have, that you won’t go far when you need space and that you can be relied on to come back, that you are reliable to follow through, that you are committed to the values that are important to you both, like honesty or integrity, that you have an agreement of acceptable behaviour between you, are loyal, collaborative, caring, compassionate, are on the same team, that you show up like you say you will, that you accept responsibility for yourself, that you are consistent, that you can depend on one another……………this all builds TRUST. Partners need to know that you choose them everyday over everyone else.
This is showing up.
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Take Time Out
Just like a wayward child we all need a time out sometimes and we all need to take responsibility for when we need that time out. If we are tired, stressed, upset, not emotionally available, physically drained, on overload or flooded it is our responsibility to look after ourselves. Take a time out and do what you need to do to regroup. It is important to manage stress and process what we are stressed or upset about. Some people watch TV, listen to music, read, meditate, exercise, walk in nature, get away for the weekend or spend time with friends etc. I am sure you have your own list. There are two caveats to taking a timeout that are most important.

1. Let your partner, friend or colleague know that you need to regroup and assure them that you will be back and state when you will be able to that. This builds trust and safety.
2. We all have our exits in life and I would like to suggest that there are positive ways to manage stress and negative ones. Some activities will damage your relationships and cause harm to you and everyone around you, so choose wisely what you do to manage stress and upset. Everyday you get to choose what you want more of in your life.
So ask yourself “ Will this bring me more connection, love and success or less connection, love and success” Your choice 

TimeOut

Have Compassion
For any successful healthy relationship both parties need to feel heard, understood, appreciated and accepted. To achieve that we all need to have an endless well of compassion. If we are to improve our connections with others we need to suspend judgment, our own self-talk and reactivity. Empathy and compassion are the underlying premise of all positive connections and conversations and is the cord between hearts. Compassion is different than sympathy and is simply the ability to remain in an open loving heart and be with someone else’s pain and upset even when it is sometimes directed at you. This often is difficult to actually achieve, however it is vitally important to any relationship personally or professionally.

Compassion is a Verb

Be Vulnerable- Have Courage
Suffice to say that relationships need a lot of courage. To be in a healthy relationship one needs to be vulnerable, which of course is the proverbial double edged sword or catch 22, because to be vulnerable means to be open to hurt and pain. So if you have to be vulnerable to have a healthy working relationship it will definitely take a lot of courage to come from that open vulnerable place. When our hearts or reputation or ego’s are involved it takes monumental courage to face ones fear of potential abandonment, criticism, feeling rejected or unlovable.

BRENE BROWN says: “Vulnerability is scary, but it’s also a powerful and authentic way to live. Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences. She defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure”
Think about the vulnerability it takes to love someone – whether it’s your parents, siblings, spouse or close friends. Love is filled with uncertainties and risks.
As Brown notes, the person you love might or might not love you back. They might be in your life for a long time or they might not. They might be terrifically loyal or they might stab you in the back. Think about the vulnerability it takes to share your ideas with the world, not knowing how your work will be perceived. You might be appreciated, laughed at or downright skewered. Vulnerability is hard. But what can make it even harder — needlessly so — are the inaccurate assumptions we hold about it, like vulnerability is being weak, some of us don’t experience vulnerability or that to be vulnerable you must spill all your secrets. Vulnerability embraces boundaries and trust. Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them. Being vulnerable takes courage. But it’s worth it. It’s worth it to be ourselves, to connect to others”
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Be Creative-Learn-Imagine-Play
Pick a hobby or recreation that you enjoy as it will balance out daily stress. This is one of the most important aspects to happiness in my mind and is also one of the most important aspects for healthy relationships. It is vitally important to continue or find your creative centre for your relationships to thrive. When you feel fulfilled and expressing yourself creatively it will keep your relationship sparkling with enthusiasm and inspiration too.
Learn something new every day-Whenever we learn something new, including new attitudes, perspectives, or behaviors, we are changing the physical structure of the brain. Educate yourself, your mind and your spirit and you will feel happier and your relationships more fun and fulfilling.

 

"respond to every call"

Be Curious
We are all born curious, it is a natural quality we all possess. Curiousity is what makes us humans learn to crawl, seek, taste, see, experience, create, philosophize, dream, explore, change. Curiousity is foundational to all creativity and is an essential principle to creating successful relationships.
Why you might ask? Well if you aren’t curious in life and love then you limit yourself to only what you know already. That will be the limit of your experience and understanding. To seek to understand more is an exceedingly important quality in your relationships because we can never truly understand another persons experience without delving deeper. It is important to not believe we actually know what anyone else is experiencing and to be ever so gently open and non-judgmentally curious.

I believe it is invaluable to be deeply interested in what another person is trying to express with no agenda other than to understand, and in turn being deeply curious about yourself, what you are feeling and what you need to express as well.

Being curious shows that you care, that you are interested; that how the other person feels is important to you and that they are important to you.

While being curious you need to be able to listen without judgment or interrupting. Listening means to be silent and that your brain is entirely engaged with the other person’s experience and how they are feeling as they struggle to express what is going on for them, while also being mindful of your own feelings and responses. Being curious means you ask questions that show your interest in learning more such as:
What is that like? What happened? How do you feel about that? What happened? How do you feel? What is important about that to you? What do you need? Can you help me understand? How can I help?

curious

Be Truthful
As Don Miguel Ruiz says “be impeccable with your word” Tell the truth, don’t tell people what they want to hear or what you think you should say, be honest about what you think, how you feel and what you need however choose your words carefully and follow the golden rules of Connection Point communication.
1. Choose your intention (what you hope will happen)
2. State what happened without criticism or judgment
3. Share how you feel (anger is not a feeling)
4. Explain what you need and value
5. Ask for what you would like to see happen

truth

Be Appreciative
In my experience in life, personally and professionally, it seems to be such an important ingredient to feel APPRECIATED and to have HOPE of that eventuality, which to most of us equates to feeling LOVED.

I am convinced that one of the main reasons relationships break down is because of this lack of feeling APPRECIATED, whether it is a couple, family, friend or professional relationship.

Our level of satisfaction and fulfillment will undoubtedly suffer because of a lack of appreciation. The majority of people who look outside their relationships, look for new jobs or a change in circumstances, generally are looking for appreciation, wanting to feel valued, understood and a connection for which they feel is lacking in their current relationships or situations.
It really doesn’t take a lot to show APPRECIATION, which is a close cousin to good old-fashioned manners. Psychology teaches us that people are motivated to contribute to the greater good and feeling appreciated and valued for what we contribute is the currency for feeling fulfillment and happiness. It doesn’t mean that we need to have appreciation to contribute; it just means that it can be more fulfilling, meaningful and ensure our continued interest in contributing if we do.
I really value knowing I made a difference in someone’s life and am far more motivated by APPRECIATION than money 🙂
I believe APPRECIATION is a very important human need and I think we can all forget to show our appreciation for others and fall into the trap of taking our relationships for granted.
So if LOVE is an ACTION word and APPRECIATION is the currency for fulfillment, how are you going to show your appreciation to others today.
I will show

Let have an appreciation-day
Here are some suggestions.

  1. Notice and acknowledge a job completed
  2. Say thank you to someone for the difference they make in your life, even the little things, because the little things are really important. (I think I may not have thanked my husband for bringing me tea in bed every morning)
  3. Doing the APPRECIATION exercise. Three things I really appreciate about you today is……….and this works great with your children (or employees) and helps build their confidence, self esteem and their trust in their value to their community or family in the case of ones children
  4. Do something for someone without expectation of anything in return
  5. Give positive feedback ie: Wow the dinner is amazing. Thank you for making it for us or thank you for ensuring those emails got out or….
  6. Send a card to thank someone for something you really value they do or did for you
  7. Hug people you care about, hug people just because…..
  8. Say I love you and WHY you love them, not just the 3 words but add what it is about them that you value, admire and respect.
  9. Call, text or email just because you want to positively connect
  10. Notice all the jobs that get done and mention that you noticed
  11. Leave a note of appreciation for someone to find. It’s called A NICE NOTE!
  12. Use reflective listening so others know you really heard them

Go be happy and create positive connections and change your relationships one conversation at a time.

loveLove Mheyah ♥
Please connect with me at
www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com

facebook@connectionpointcentre
twitter@mheyahbailey
instagram@mheyahbailey
pinterest@mheyahbailey

Find out more about Mheyah

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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HAPPINESS PROJECT 101


Do you feel like you need a life makeover and don’t know where to start? Have you had some disappointments, losses, big changes, don’t know what to do? There are some missing pieces and you aren’t sure what they are or you just aren’t where you want to be in life yet? Having relationship issues, conflict, upsets, feeling disconnected or worse apathy has set in. You don’t feel like you know each other and feel all alone even though you are in a relationship.

Together, I will support, encourage and coach you through a JOURNEY OF DISCOVERY & TRANSFORMATION to wholeness & happiness. We will identify the necessary changes you need to move on to a life you envision for yourself, discover the missing pieces and learn new skills so you will be successful in all areas of your life personally and professionally. This program will help you feel happier, more at peace, have more loving relationships with less conflict and uncover your true heart’s calling and life purpose.

This is an EXCLUSIVE TRANSFORMATIVE COURSE for dedicated life changers. It is a hands on proactive coaching program that supports you to move from A to “WHEREVER YOU WANT” and includes, coaching with me one on one, your time and commitment, reading and homework until you are finished the course. We will not stop until you are where you want to be and have created the life you are envisioning for yourself.
TAKES APPROXIMATELY 6-10 WEEKS TO CREATE YOUR NEW LIFE

The program will help you CREATE an INSPIRED LIFE and I will support you to make your life an authentic expression of who you are from the INSIDE OUT.
This coaching course will guide you to get past what is holding you back from integrating all aspects of your magnificence into a life fully integrated with who you are at a core level.

“to live a conscious & inspired life one must use the wisdom of the heart & the power of the mind”
We will explore what you need to change to have a life full of more LOVE, HAPPINESS, FULFILLMENT, PURPOSE & BEAUTY.
We will unlock the keys to your fabulous delicious life.

Change can be so much easier with a coach, an advocate, a mentor, a champion.  I am committed to support, inspire, encourage and collaborate with you to create the life you want and I will help you leap into the life of your dreams.

Let me ask you:
Who are you being when facing life’s challenges?

Are you in touch with who you are and what you need?
Are you holding yourself back or seizing the opportunities?
Are you letting fear make your choices?
Are you able to communicate so you are heard and understood?
Are you living your best and most authentic self?
Are you feeling happy, fulfilled and successful?
Are your relationships healthy and full of love?
Are you living in integrity with your values?
Does your environment reflect who you are?
Does your lifestyle support your health and well being: emotionally, physically, spiritually?

How you answer these questions demonstrates your level of confidence, knowledge of yourself, your character and whether you have the right skills for a successful and happy life.  I will support you to create new empowering beliefs & behavior patterns that inspire confidence and move you toward your goals.
We will learn more about your values and how living in integrity with your values creates inner happiness and we will explore and eliminate self-destructive habits that are keeping you stuck.

I will teach you how to communicate authentically & effectively everywhere in your life so you feel confident and self assured in positive outcomes in all your relationships personally and professionally.
We will create a vision for your life and turn it into a reality so your life reflects who you are at your very core.

Please connect with me  to learn more.
Book your session below

or Register here for the course
DATE: AS SOON AS YOU ARE READY TO GET HAPPIER & CREATE A NEW LIFE
TIMES: YOUR CHOICE
WHERE: ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD, NORTH SHORE, VANCOUVER, YOUR OFFICE, IN PERSON, SKYPE, PHONE
EMAIL: mheyah@gmail.com

REGISTER FOR THE EXCLUSIVE HAPPINESS PROJECT 101 – $2999.00
OR 4 EQUAL PAYMENT PLANS OF $750 OVER 4 MONTHS.

 

Love Mheyah ♥

Please connect with me at
www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com

facebook@connectionpointcentre
twitter@mheyahbailey
instagram@connectionpoint
pinterest@mheyahbailey
Work with Mheyah
Skype Me™!Skype Mheyah

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The Biggest C-Word-COMPASSION


Successful Communication Made Simple Series by Mheyah Bailey
Also published on Metro LivingZine

COMPASSION IS ESSENTIAL FOR QUALITY RELATIONSHIPS
This is lesson #2 of a series I am sharing with you over the next few days and weeks on the key elements that are the foundation for excellent communication. I am hoping that you will be able to use the tools in some way that benefits you and makes a difference in your life.
The reason I believe communication to be so important and valuable is it the most relevant way we have to truly connect with others. Communication is made up of many parts, our words, how we say them, our body language and tone. If we all truly learn the Art of Positive Communication we will experience less conflict & misunderstandings in our lives and a lot more cooperation, appreciation and loving harmony, personally, professionally and globally. Communication is an equal opportunity skill that will improve our intimate relationships, create healthier families, communities will be more collaborative, corporate values will shift and nations more united.
I do like to say that being a stellar Communicator is really all about lots of “C” words, Curiousity, Consciousness, Compassion, Connection, Collaboration, Control, Consideration, Care.

So what is COMPASSION?
COMPASSION: (kuhm-pash-uhn) NOUN: a feeling of deep empathy, care and understanding for another who is upset, hurting, in pain or stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to care for and alleviate the suffering. It means to have heart.

Heart in HandWe all need to learn to have an endless well of compassion if we are to improve our connections with others, which in a lot of cases means we need to suspend judgement, our own self talk and reactivity. Empathy and compassion are the underlying premise of all positive connections and conversations and is the cord between hearts. Compassion is different than sympathy and is simply the ability to remain in an open loving heart and be with someone else’s pain even when it is sometimes directed at you. This can sometimes be difficult to actually achieve, however it is vitally important to any relationship.
For any successful healthy relationship both parties need to feel heard, understood, appreciated and accepted, however resolution when there are differences or conflict is a process that sometimes cannot happen immediately, but happens over some time, hours, days or weeks. We sometimes have to be patient with the process. When someone is experiencing upset they may not have the capacity for compassion in that moment and that is why it is so important for any of us to have an endless well of compassion for the person who is experiencing some strong feelings, whatever the cause, even if you are the cause. In our family we call our upsets “big feelings” and we all know when there are some “big feelings” happening that it is our time to bring on the compassion, attentive listening and care for the person having the ‘big feelings”
To have compassion and remain compassionate can be difficult sometimes if those “big feelings” are directed at you, however this is where it is vital not to take anything personally, stay calm and remember that any upset is more about the other person than it is about you. I am also not advocating that you stay in any abusive situation but I am saying that compassion is the antidote to upset, pain, hurt and conflict.
"love and heart connection"

It is a natural human response to feel defensive or on guard when someone’s pain, hurt, upset or a complaint is directed at us, however this is where the rubber meets the road so to speak in any conflictual interaction, and where we all must learn NOT to take someone else’s pain on, don’t take anything personally no matter what, and to remain in our compassionate heart, because that compassion is the glue in the relationship, whether it is a personal or professional relationship.
I often used to say to my husband when I was upset that the only action required was for him to have compassion for me in those difficult moments. Nothing else, just compassion. Trust is built on compassion because it makes others feel important and valuable and that you care about their well being.
Another point that is important to remember about being compassionate is it allows the other person to take responsibility for their own feelings and work through to the deeper issues. It allows all of us the opportunity to let others be responsible for themselves, not try to fix them or the situation, or be codependent ourselves. The beauty in this is it allows for you to be an integral part of someone else’s personal growth. What you are creating in that moment is a strong connection, an intimate bond in our common humanity to heal and grown in our aspiration for acceptance and love.

You will also need to learn to reflect back what is being expressed and how it makes sense to you knowing the other person (more on that in later issues) Compassionate Reflection is the action required after someone has shared with you, so the other person knows you have heard and understood what they have communicated. It is a simple summary of what you believe you heard the other person saying which gives them the opportunity to agree or adjust the message or to continue in more depth.
I believe that the pursuit of love, appreciation and acknowledgement is probably one of our most fundamental human needs and motivators. I can’t say enough about COMPASSION as it is my belief that it is the foundation for all positive human interactions and what really connects us all heart to heart.
So I would like to invite you this week to notice opportunities to engage in some Compassionate Listening & Reflecting and to remember to give yourself some compassion, love and caring too. Let me know how you did. I would love to hear your experience.

Listen HERE to The Buddhist Monk, Thich Nhat Hanh on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday short sharing on Compassionate Listening or read Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s books on NVC-Compassionate Communication

loveLove Mheyah ♥ 
Please connect with me at 

www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com
facebook@connectionpointcentre
twitter@mheyahbailey
instagram@mheyahbailey
pinterest@mheyahbailey

Find out more about Mheyah 

 

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SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS START WITH YOU


Successful Communication Made Simple Series by Mheyah Bailey
Also published on Metro LivingZine

Over the next few weeks I want to share with you the importance of improving our communication. It all starts with learning more about ourselves rather than anything else, and I want to look at that in more detail with you so you can get a better idea of the steps it takes to be a stellar communicator.
Now the reason I believe this to be so important is that if we can all learn to express ourselves from a deeper understanding of what we want and need, and why we want and need it, then truly we will all experience less conflict & misunderstandings in our lives and a lot more cooperation, appreciation and loving harmony.
I believe that communication is an equal opportunity skill for all areas of our lives, whether personal or professional and is a skill that will improve our intimate relationships, families will be healthier, communities more collaborative and nations more united.
I do like to say that being a stellar Communicator is really all about lots of “C” words, Curiousity, Consciousness, Compassion, Connection, Collaboration, Control, Consideration, Care………..no I wasn’t thinking Chocolate, but having said that isn’t everyone more agreeable when eating chocolate? LOL
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So for today we are going to start with the “C” word Consciousness which really is only a trendy new age word for personal awareness so don’t let the word scare you off the good information.

So what does being CONSCIOUS mean?
CONSCIOUSNESS: (kon-shuhs-nis) NOUN: to understand the deeper meaning of what you think and feel
It is about really noticing and becoming aware of your own feelings, reactions and responses. Relationships are inside work and the people around us are only triggers for us to notice how we are feeling, what has made us feel that way, what values are being prodded, what needs are being compromised, what story are we telling ourselves about an event, comment or conversation.

Our reactions and feelings are entirely made up from what we think and the perspective we have told ourselves about it. I do love to say “don’t believe everything you think” and the reason is that what we think is shaped by our past experiences good and bad. If we don’t have a thought then we won’t have a feeling or reaction, and that feeling is most likely based on thoughts that are probably not unbiased thoughts, but a collection of conclusions we learned since childhood and through past hurts where we have learned to deny our needs, values and primary emotions.
For instance one person can hear a comment or view an event completely differently than you, based on your different experiences with the words, what happened, where they were said, how they were said, the context etc and both of you could easily draw up completely different conclusions, neither right or wrong, just different.
Your job is to notice what story, or tape you have running in the background that filters all the messages you get from others. Once you notice your thoughts and the FEELINGS that come up from the interaction you can get clearer on what those FEELINGS mean to you. I know I am using the “F” word but seriously our FEELINGS are our barometer for what we really need and value and when we are able to tune into them we have done the first part to learning how to communicate better with the purpose of living more authentically & truthfully with ourselves and others. The impact of being able to do this is you will be able to live your life more in line with your real needs and values not from the unconscious drivers from the past.

The intention of the consciousness exercise is to then be able to express how you feel to another person in a calm and clear way, which in turn builds connection, trust and a greater understanding between you, BUT that is for another lesson, so for now as we explore all aspects of communication I would like to invite you to NOTICE what you FEEL when something or someone is “triggering” you and what thoughts or story came up before you had a reaction. Work backwords. Do your best to just be aware of yourself and we will talk about how to share it with others later on in the series.

To learn more about emotions and feelings here is an excellent article to help you CLICK HERE

loveLove Mheyah ♥ 
Please connect with me at 

www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com
facebook@connectionpointcentre
twitter@mheyahbailey
instagram@mheyahbailey
pinterest@mheyahbailey

Find out more about Mheyah 

 

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COMMUNICATION 101-THE 3 SIMPLE PRINCIPLES


CONSCIOUSNESS + CURIOUSITY + COMPASSION 

“THE QUALITY OF OUR RELATIONSHIPS DETERMINES THE QUALITY OF OUR LIVES”

People tend to say “communication is key” or “you have to communicate to have a good relationship” but honestly, what is good communication?
How is it going to help you create a more loving, peaceful, passionate relationship with your partner, better relationships with your coworkers, friends and family?

I have discovered 3 SIMPLE PRINCPLES that when used will change all your relationships to CONFLICT FREE RELATIONSHIPS.
It is not about eliminating conflict but learning how to manage your way through conflict effectively and positively minimizing damage to your relationships. The 3 C’s are an equation of Control (Consciousness) + Curiousity (Care) + Compassion (Consideration)

1. CONSCIOUSNESS (CONTROL):
So what does being CONSCIOUS mean? 

CONSCIOUSNESS: (kon-shuhs-nis) NOUN: to understand the deeper meaning of what you think and feel
It is about really noticing and becoming aware of your own feelings, reactions and responses. Relationships are inside work and the people around us are only triggers for us to notice how we are feeling, what has made us feel that way, what values are being prodded, what needs are being compromised, what story are we telling ourselves about an event, comment or conversation.

Our reactions and feelings are entirely made up from what we think and the perspective we have told ourselves about it. I do love to say “don’t believe everything you think” and the reason is that what we think is shaped by our past experiences good and bad. If we don’t have a thought then we won’t have a feeling or reaction, and that feeling is most likely based on thoughts that are probably not unbiased thoughts, but a collection of conclusions we learned since childhood and through past hurts where we have learned to deny our needs, values and primary emotions.
For instance one person can hear a comment or view an event completely differently than you, based on your different experiences with the words, what happened, where they were said, how they were said, the context etc and both of you could easily draw up completely different conclusions, neither right or wrong, just different.
Your job is to notice what story, or tape you have running in the background that filters all the messages you get from others. Once you notice your thoughts and the FEELINGS that come up from the interaction you can get clearer on what those FEELINGS mean to you. I know I am using the “F” word but seriously our FEELINGS are our barometer for what we really need and value and when we are able to tune into them we have done the first part to learning how to communicate better with the purpose of living more authentically & truthfully with ourselves and others. The impact of being able to do this is you will be able to live your life more in line with your real needs and values not from the unconscious drivers from the past.

The intention of the consciousness exercise is to then be able to express how you feel to another person in a calm and clear way, which in turn builds connection, trust and a greater understanding between you BUT  for now I would like to invite you to NOTICE what you FEEL when something or someone is “triggering” you and what thoughts or story came up before you had a reaction. Work backwords. Do your best to just be aware of yourself and we will talk about how to share it with others later on in the series.

To learn more about emotions and feelings here is an excellent article to help you CLICK HERE

2. CURIOUSITY (CARE)
So what does it mean to be CURIOUS?

CURIOUS:[kyoor-ee-uhs] ADJECTIVE: eager to learn, understand or know; to be inquisitive, arousing or exciting speculation, interest, or attention through being different or unknown; an inquiring open mind interested & seeking to know and understand; to wonder.

Be curious with the open heart & mind of a child. Have you ever listened to a child who is curious about something? They are unequalled in their persistence to get the answers so they can understand.

I believe it is invaluable to be deeply interested in what another person is trying to express with no agenda other than to understand, and in turn being deeply curious about yourself, what you are feeling and what you need to express as well.
Being curious shows that you care, that you are interested, that how the other person feels is important to you and that they are important to you. While being curious you need to be able to listen without judgment or interrupting. Listening means to be silent and that your brain is entirely engaged with your partners experience and how they are feeling as they struggle to express what is going on for them, while also being mindful of your own feelings and responses. It is helpful to stop yourself from knowing anything and to not  be in rebuttal mode. It means that you remain an open blank slate without making assumptions that you already know and understand what others are trying to express.

Curiousity means that you are remembering that none of what is being said is personal and it means you are LISTENING INTENTLY to what is being said, what is happening, what has caused the upset, what the other persons values are, what is important to them and how they want or need something to be different so they will be happier and your relationship will be better personally or professionally.
A need could be as simple as desiring more tidiness or as fundamental as wanting to feel more respected, but all worthy of our time, compassion, cooperation and collaboration to resolve.

GREAT LITTLE VIDEO FOR YOU “Remember it is NOT about the NAIL

It is so important to check out what is going on for another person, make sure what you heard is what was intended, and do your best to understand what is important, what they need and are asking for.  Curiousity builds trust if you are truly seeking to understand someone else with a compassionate heart.

POWER OF LOVEIf you can stay curious even in times of relationship stress, you are on the road to positive healthy relationships. Curiousity helps you stay present to what is happening, what is trying to happen and collaboratively decide what needs to happen going forward. Being curious about the people we are in relationships with, how they experience life, understanding and appreciating their perspective is the key to love in personal relationships and collaborative professional relationships creating an unbreakable bond of positive connection and mutual respect.

 Questions can often times sound judgemental or like a criticism so it can be helpful to not use the word “why” but instead to use open questions that start with “what” and “how”:

What happened?
What is that like?
How do you feel?
What is important about that to you?
What do you need?
Can you help me understand?
How can I help?
 

3. COMPASSION (CONSIDERATION)

So what is COMPASSION?
COMPASSION: (kuhm-pash-uhn) NOUN: a feeling of deep empathy, care and understanding for another who is upset, hurting, in pain or stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to care for and alleviate the suffering. It means to have heart.

We all need to learn to have an endless well of compassion if we are to improve our connections with others, which in a lot of cases means we need to suspend judgement, our own self talk and reactivity. Empathy and compassion are the underlying premise of all positive connections and conversations and is the cord between hearts. Compassion is different than sympathy and is simply the ability to remain in an open loving heart and be with someone else’s pain even when it is sometimes directed at you. This can sometimes be difficult to actually achieve, however it is vitally important to any relationship.
For any successful healthy relationship both parties need to feel heard, understood, appreciated and accepted, however resolution when there are differences or conflict is a process that sometimes cannot happen immediately, but happens over some time, hours, days or weeks. We sometimes have to be patient with the process. When someone is experiencing upset they may not have the capacity for compassion in that moment and that is why it is so important for any of us to have an endless well of compassion for the person who is experiencing some strong feelings, whatever the cause, even if you are the cause. In our family we call our upsets “big feelings” and we all know when there are some “big feelings” happening that it is our time to bring on the compassion, attentive listening and care for the person having the ‘big feelings”
To have compassion and remain compassionate can be difficult sometimes if those “big feelings” are directed at you, however this is where it is vital not to take anything personally, stay calm and remember that any upset is more about the other person than it is about you. I am also not advocating that you stay in any abusive situation but I am saying that compassion is the antidote to upset, pain, hurt and conflict.
"love and heart connection"

 

It is a natural human response to feel defensive or on guard when someone’s pain, hurt, upset or a complaint is directed at us, however this is where the rubber meets the road so to speak in any conflictual interaction, and where we all must learn NOT to take someone else’s pain on, don’t take anything personally no matter what, and to remain in our compassionate heart, because that compassion is the glue in the relationship, whether it is a personal or professional relationship.
I often used to say to my husband when I was upset that the only action required was for him to have compassion for me in those difficult moments. Nothing else, just compassion. Trust is built on compassion because it makes others feel important and valuable and that you care about their well being.
Another point that is important to remember about being compassionate is it allows the other person to take responsibility for their own feelings and work through to the deeper issues. It allows all of us the opportunity to let others be responsible for themselves, not try to fix them or the situation, or be codependent ourselves. The beauty in this is it allows for you to be an integral part of someone else’s personal growth. What you are creating in that moment is a strong connection, an intimate bond in our common humanity to heal and grown in our aspiration for acceptance and love.
You will also need to learn to reflect back what is being expressed and how it makes sense to you knowing the other person (more on that in later issues) Compassionate Reflection is the action required after someone has shared with you, so the other person knows you have heard and understood what they have communicated. It is a simple summary of what you believe you heard the other person saying which gives them the opportunity to agree or adjust the message or to continue in more depth.
I believe that the pursuit of love, appreciation and acknowledgement is probably one of our most fundamental human needs and motivators. I can’t say enough about COMPASSION as it is my belief that it is the foundation for all positive human interactions and what really connects us all heart to heart.
So I would like to invite you this week to notice opportunities to engage in some Compassionate Listening & Reflecting and to remember to give yourself some compassion, love and caring too. Let me know how you did. I would love to hear your experience.
Listen HERE to The Buddhist Monk, Thich Nhat Hanh on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday short sharing on Compassionate Listening

So now you have the 3 SIMPLE PRINCIPLES THAT IF YOU IMPLEMENT THEM WILL POSITIVELY CHANGE ALL YOUR RELATIONSHIPS PERSONALLY & PROFESSIONALLY

SIGN UP BELOW TO KEEP LEARNING AND GET VALUABLE INSIGHTS-SEE THE NEXT 2 PRINCIPLES
“THE WHOLENESS OF OURSELVES DOES NOT DEPEND ON OUR PERSONALITIES BUT DEPENDS ENTIRELY ON THE AWARENESS OF OUR INNER FEELINGS”

Recommended reading is:
My Communication Series on my blog
The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman
Getting the Love you Want by Harville Hendrix
The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman

Love Mheyah ♥
Please connect with me. Book your session below

Please connect with me at
www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com

facebook@connectionpointcentre
twitter@mheyahbailey
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Work with Mheyah
Skype Me™!Skype Mheyah

 

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“How to Communicate Better” Workshop

Lets Get Together once a week for 6 weeks in North Vancouver and learn some new communication skills to improve your relationships in all areas of your life, personally & professionally.

The Quality of our Relationships determines the Quality of our Lives
Everyone is welcome to join.
You don’t have to be a couple to learn how to improve relationships. We are all in relationships everyday of our lives…………So please join me in learning how to communicate for more LOVE, HAPPINESS, SUCCESS & FULFILLMENT in your life. This group is for anyone who:
  • would like to feel more understood and better appreciated
  • wants less conflict and more happiness
  • wants less stress and increased health
  • would value more harmonious connections personally and professionally
  • wants to learn effectively listening skills so you can hear what others are really trying to say
  • wants to create more authentic relationships

Do you want to feel more at ease in the world, more confident and happier? Whether we are talking about personal or professional relationships, we can all benefit from learning and developing conscious tangible communication
 and relationship skills and integrating that learning into 
relationships filled with respect and ease. We will explore and grow awareness in personal relationships, learn more about your behavior, belief systems and find out how your communication process plays an important role in determining your health, your lifestyle and social experience.  Grow your inner understanding of how you process information, react and create the relationship behaviors you experience.  Learn language literacy and diplomacy and for some added inspiration and fun we will have one evening dedicated to True Colours Personality Typing. You won’t want to miss this evening for sure. We will also delve into the stories and meaning we make of what others say and do and how that impacts our perspectives and our feelings. We will learn to THINK RESPONSIBLY as it is important not to believe everything you think.

COURSE STARTS THURSDAY MAY 3 from 6:45 until 9:30 in North Vancouver Venue TBA  Email me at mheyah@gmail.com or call 778-881-0410

REGISTER FOR THIS INVALUABLE 6 WEEK
“HOW TO COMMUNICATE BETTER” WORKSHOP AND GET A ONE HOUR FREE COACHING SESSION – $199.00 + HST or pay weekly $35 + HST


THIS WORKSHOP WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE

 
Recommended reading for the course is:
Non-Violent Communication A Language of Life by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg
Showing Your True Colors by Mary Miscisin

At Connection Point we promise
 Clarity, ‘AHA’Moments & Transformation. Our “soul” purpose is to support you to create authentic change through personal awareness, communication training & inspirational coaching.

MHEYAH BAILEY
CEO-CHIEF ENLIGHTENMENT OFFICER FacebookTwitterLinkedin
Sign up here for my newsletter and get valuable tips weekly
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Truth

Communication is the single most important part of creating a healthy relationship. A relationship without communication is like a beautiful flower without water and sunlight, it will quickly wither and die. I don’t care if you think what you have to say is hurtful or you are afraid of expressing yourself, speak your Truth. Be kind, but speak up and be honest. It’s easy to communicate when it’s good news and happy times, but it takes a truly authentic and courageous person to communicate openly and honestly when darkness falls on a relationship.”
 
– Jackson Kiddard, author & polymath.
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Boundaries- What are they?

Bonus Tip of the Week:
“Boundaries are limits that you establish within yourself and express to your partner about what’s acceptable to you and what’s not acceptable-what you’ll tolerate, what you’ll put up with and what the consequences are if your boundaries are crossed.
Boundaries have to do with your own self-respect, your self-esteem, your beliefs, your preferences and what you need and value in relationships.
A partner with healthy, established boundaries, for example, can say, ‘No.’
So, if you have healthy, established boundaries you’re comfortable saying, ‘No.’ You don’t sweat it out, or have anxiety, you don’t worry about it. If something’s not right for you, you can say ‘No.’ A partner with healthy, established boundaries can take responsibility for their own feelings and behavior. They don’t blame their partner for how they feel and don’t take on the role of victim.
It is essential for any successful relationship that both partners are able to clearly and compassionately communicate their boundaries to get their own needs met.  The ability to do this creates a healthy strong foundation for both partners where they can trust each other to speak honestly and truthfully taking any guess work out of the equation.
So if you are unable to speak up and set healthy boundaries from a loving place, learn how. Speaking your truth is a loving act to oneself and another and could save your partnership”
Contact me if you want to learn how to set boundaries
Love Mheyah
Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings”. Anais Nin

“To nourish LOVE, learn, grow, heal and replenish it’s source through honest connection”

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Announcing Communication Course

“Lets Get Together” once a week for 8 weeks starting Wed April 6 in North Vancouver and really learn some new skills to improve your relationships and your life.
“The Quality of our Relationships determines the Quality of our Lives”

Everyone is welcome to join. You don’t have to be a couple to learn how to improve your relationships. We are all in relationship everyday and the most important relationship we are in is the one we have with ourselves…………

So please join me for
COLLABORATIVE COMPASSIONATE
 CONSCIOUS COMMUNICATION 8 Week Event

This group is for anyone: who wants to understand and to be understood more effectively, for anyone that wants less conflict, to feel less stressed, to have more harmonious connections in your everyday life, personally and professionally.

Do you want to hear what others are really trying to say and do you want to express yourself clearly so you can be understood and appreciated for who you are, what you need and want and for others to understand what is important to  you.
Do you want to feel more at ease in the world, more confident and happier.

Whether we are talking about personal or professional relationships, we can all benefit from learning and developing conscious tangible communication
 and relationship skills that honour and respect each others needs and values, 
create a clear understanding of ones core self and what is important to you, integrating that learning into 
relationships filled with respect and ease.

You will learn to use the communication model of Compassionate 
Communication (NVC) created by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg.  We will do some experiential exercises individually and in a group that will highlight your needs and values and you will learn to communicate these more effectively minimizing stress and emotional upset. You will learn how to ask the important questions, limit the impact of conflict and differences, merging everything you have learned about yourself and others and the goals of the relationship personally or professionally into a harmonious reality.

For some added inspiration and fun we will have one evening dedicated to True Colours Personality Typing. You won’t want to miss this evening for sure.

My hope is you will start to see conflict as an opportunity
, learn to debate constructively and respectfully
, recognize your own and others deepest values and needs
 and communicate clear boundaries. We will also delve into the stories and meaning we make of what others say and do and how that impacts our perspectives and our feelings. We will learn to “THINK RESPONSIBLY”

Relationship coaching develops deep democracy in all relationships, teaches valuable emotional de-triggering techniques, 
increases a positive view of others, recognizes mixed signals and creates understanding about the special gifts we all bring to our different roles, partnerships and connections. This unique coaching and counselling approach teaches profound tools that will
 inspire and challenge you to gain a deeper understanding of yourself and others through
COLLABORATIVE COMPASSIONATE
 CONSCIOUS COMMUNICATION
.

REGISTER AND GET A ONE HOUR FREE COACHING SESSION

Recommended reading for the course is:
Non-Violent Communication, A Language of Love by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg
The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman
Cost for the 8 week course is $199
For more information and to register please contact me
Mheyah@gmail.com or 778-881-0410


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What is Communication really? by Mheyah Bailey

“It has been said that the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives”

People tend to say communication is key” or “you have to communicate to have a good relationship” but honestly, what is good communication?

How is it going to help you create a more loving, peaceful and passionate relationship with your partner?

Simply put, good communication is “heart to heart connection” When we speak from our heart we are being honest and authentic about ourselves creating more understanding,  enabling us to resolve conflicts and show deeper love and appreciation, developing a stronger intimate bond with our significant other.  I am imagining you may be asking  “Well, how do I do that, and what does “heart to heart communication really mean? “

It is actually a simple equation of:                                                                                                                                              Consciousness + Compassion + Collaboration + Curiousity = Connection
When you have created “heart to heart connection “ using the Four C’s , love and passion can be truly ignited and maintained, creating a more intimate and fulfilling love relationship.

There are 5 key elements to great heart centered communication.

1. Consciousness: You need to really know yourself, become aware of your own feelings, needs, vulnerabilities and values and how you become emotionally reactive in relationship with your loved one.  This can be very challenging to learn as it means we all need to become more aware of our underlying feelings, which in conflict or disagreement can be a real struggle. We are usually quite aware of our secondary emotions which show up as feeling upset, annoyed, frustrated, overwhelmed or angry and in our typical way of interacting we are unaware of our underlying primary feelings of fear, hurt, anxiety, sadness, vulnerability, insecurity, shame, feeling unloved, to name only a few.

It takes awareness and practice to notice our real feelings and takes courage to express them.  Usually these are more vulnerable feelings and ones we would prefer not to acknowledge or share with anyone. When we communicate from this more authentic place our partners can hear us differently and as a couple you can collaborate to resolve differences from understanding each other’s deeper feelings, needs and values. This in turn creates a stronger connection between you.

We all need to learn to take responsibility for our own feelings in relationship and learn that there is no room for “blaming or criticism” in any relationship. Blaming/Criticism is one bad habit of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” which Dr. John Gottman says will doom any relationship to conflict and potential failure.                                                                                                                            The hint here is to only share how you are feeling, what is important to you, without blaming or criticizing anyone else for your experience.  When we learn that each circumstance or upset, no matter what, is our own responsibility, we are becoming emotionally intelligent. How we react to our feelings about anything or anyone says more about our own beliefs, perspectives and imaginings than it does about them or what you may believe they are doing to you.

When I am reacting and not sure of why I am having a reaction I ask myself:  what am I thinking, how am I judging, what am I resisting or attached to and I try to remember not to believe everything I think.

2. Listening: You need to be able to listen without judgment or interrupting.  SSSSHHHH. Listening does not mean that your mouth is moving or that your brain is already in rebuttal mode, it means that you are entirely engaged with your partners experience, how they are feeling as they struggle to express what is going on for them.  It means that you don’t assume that you already know and understand what your partner is trying to express, it doesn’t mean that you take any of what they are saying personally.

It means you are LISTENING INTENTLY to what is being said, what is happening for them, what has upset them, what your partner values and how they want something to be different to fulfill a need they have. A need could be as simple as tidiness or as important as respect, but all worthy of your time, compassion, cooperation and collaboration to resolve.

Then when you have managed this huge feat of listening, you need to find some more…………….

3. Compassion Again:  You need to have an endless well of compassion.         Empathy and compassion are the underlying premise of all heart to heart conversations and is the cord between your two hearts. Compassion is different than sympathy and is simply the ability to remain in your loving heart and be with your partner’s pain even when it is sometimes directed at you. This can be very difficult to actually achieve, however it is vitally important to a loving relationship. You also need to be able to reflect back what you partner is expressing and how it makes sense to you knowing your loved ones values.

Compassionate Reflection is the action required after listening, to show your partner you have heard and understood what they have communicated.

For instance, my son is (occasionally) lovely at showing compassion.  When I am upset he will ask me what I need, what is going on and then after sharing how I feel he will say something like

“Oh Mom I can hear you are feeling hurt and that makes sense to me knowing how relationships are so important to you and how much you value your friendships” Amazing young man, he acknowledged what I was feeling, reflected back compassionately and understood my feelings based on what he knows to be my values.  I feel heard, understood and accepted and to be honest for me, that equates to feeling loved.

“When you truly put your heart on the line and invest selflessly into your relationships you are putting yourself in a vulnerable place but it pays off and the rewards are endless” quote by one “heart centered compassionate wise “16 year old son.

Can you name one person who doesn’t like being understood, acknowledged and appreciated?

4. Curiousity & Collaboration: It is invaluable to be deeply interested in what your partner is expressing, reflect what you heard, check it out, make sure what you heard is what your partner intended to mean, and do your best to understand what is important to them and what they are asking for..

Have you ever listened to a child who is curious about something? They are unequalled in their persistence to get the answers so they can understand.

Curiousity shows that you care, that you are interested, that your partner is important to you and if you can stay curious even in times of conflict, then you have most likely vanquished relationship killers “Assuming and taking things Personally”

This is also where the Second Horseman of the Apocalypse – Defensiveness must not gallop into the relationship.  The opposite of curiousity is defending and if you want a deeply intimate connection with your loved one then it is important to stay present to what is happening, what is trying to happen and collaboratively decide what needs to happen going forward. Being curious about your partner’s life, how they experience it and appreciate their perspective is the key to love and connection and creates an unbreakable bond between you and your partner.

5. Body Language: You need to be open. Your body language says a lot about you and whether you are open and accepting of your partner and what they are saying to you, or whether you are being defensive or distant. We can give a whole different message if we are not conscious of how we are physically showing up.  We need to have an open body stance without crossed arms, eye to eye contact and affectionate reassuring touch so our partners can feel our availability, our love and acceptance even in conflict.

It is vitally important that we do not give in to the Third and Fourth Horseman – Distancing and Contempt and are close cousins.  Distancing or withdrawing is obvious in that nothing can be resolved if you are physically or emotionally unavailable for communication and connection and may send a message to your partner that they are unimportant. Contempt can be subtle but is an extremely negative signal that is not only physically damaging to the receiver but is the main cause of relationship failure. Contempt can be as small a gesture as an “eyeball roll” a “downturn of the lip” signifying judgment and disapproval, to the extreme of condescending comments and disdainful or disapproving put downs. If a person lives with contempt it increases their chances of ill health and depression.  So I want to encourage you all to refrain from any contemptuous behavior.  Compassion is the antidote to contempt, and body language shows love and acceptance through being in a relaxed open posture with eye to eye connection.

So now you have the basic “4 C’s of Great Communication “which if used regularly will create more love, fulfillment and passion in your relationship.

Consciousness + Compassion + Collaboration + Curiousity = Loving Connection

I hope that these insights have been helpful for creating loving connections with your partner

Some of my favourite reading suggestions are:

Non-Violent Communication by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg
The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman
Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix
Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson
Conscious Loving by Gay and Katie Hendrix
Happy Communication = Happy Loving
love Mheyah