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Successful Communication Made Simple

Successful Communication Made SimpleSuccessful Communication Made Simple

This is the best course to get you on the right path for more LOVE, SUCCESS & HAPPINESS in all areas of your life.

85% of your happiness and success in life can be determined by your communication skills.

This 7 module course highlights the 5 important principles needed to create successful relationships personally and professionally. It is a simple, easy to use, but rich in-depth course that teaches the important qualities you need to create more connection with those you love, help you manage conflict and differences and integrates them with the 5 simple Step by Step System for win-win conversations so you can get on the path to more Love, Happiness and Success.

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With This Course You Will Gain:

♥ More loving & harmonious relationships

♥ Become more successful professionally

♥ You will feel happier & more content

♥ Have more confidence in your abilities

♥ Enjoy more understanding, love & appreciation

♥ Create a respectful passionate connection & deep friendship with your partner

"Mheyah is an absolute rockstar! I don't have words to express how pleased I am with how the evening unfolded.  You are completely in your sacred gifts, doing this work and it was so much fun. Thank you from my heart for stepping in and making such a powerful difference.  You're amazing!"
-Christine Awram of WOW-Women of Worth, Winner of the 2012 Outstanding
Leadership Award and nominated for the Governor General’s Award

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Stop in the name of Love


Quick Tip on how to stop conflict 

STOP. Just stop.
stopIt takes two people to argue and create conflict so if you want your relationship to feel better, be more connected and loving if it is a personal relationship or a more collaborative and respectful working relationship, then one of you has to change the dynamic. It doesn’t matter who takes responsibility first but it only takes one person to shift the relationship in a positive direction.
You can do this. Once you are committed to a no arguing rule then you can look at what you are really wanting to argue about. We fight because we need something or a principle or value has been compromised. Once you are clear about what you are fighting for then you can express what you need in a positive way.

Quick view of a positive win win conversation:

1. Intention: What is important to you about the conversation?
2. Issue: Say what happened without blame
3. Feel: Share how are you feeling
4. Need: Say what your needs, values, principles or beliefs are.
5. Ask: Tell the other person how they can help the situation and ask if they are able and willing to help
I can guarantee you have the power to make positive shifts in all your relationships
To learn more Relationship Rescue Strategies click here or To claim your 30-minute “Relationship Rescue Coaching Session” simply reply or directly book your FREE session


Love Mheyah 

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Let’s talk about SEX


How many times a week do you think couples should be having sex?

Well the real answer is, as many times as suits the couple. Everyone is different and as long as both partners are happy with the frequency then all is good.

Here is the thing. Sex is the highest form of communication and all that ‘conversation stuff’ is all foreplay. So let’s talk about how communication, conversations and connection ties in with having great sex.

The truth is, sex is all about communication and is our most intimate form of communicating with our partners.
"love and heart"How we connect with others comes naturally to some and not so naturally to others but is essential for building awesome relationships. We communicate and transmit information all day long; I am available or not, I am open or not, I am relaxed or not, I like you or not, I love you or not. I want to have sex or not. The absence of good communication between couples can cause many problems, pain, misunderstandings, conflict, disconnection, lack of harmony and love, and yes when this happens can mean less sex too. This is how we end up in the proverbial catch-22 of disconnection. We feel upset with our partners or they are upset with us and we disconnect emotionally and then disengage physically and we end up in the relationship spiral of doom. We need physical intimacy to feel happy and connected emotionally and we need emotional connection to have great physical intimacy.

A lot of couples don’t want to have sexual contact when they are upset and feel emotional disconnected so they go round and round getting more emotionally and physically distant and the great relationship divide has happened. It can be so discouraging and disheartening.
4855659-3d-rendering-of-a-heart-with-barbed-wire-around-itI would like to suggest that our relationships don’t need to go through this painful process. We communicate with our actions, what we say or don’t say, and we can certainly learn to communicate more effectively to increase positive connection with our partners. Love after all is an action word.

To have more love, quality connection, passion and intimacy in your life you must be more loving and this is where being able to communicate in more loving ways will elevate your relationship to levels of AWESOME-ness.
No relationship can be truly happy, fulfilling & successful without knowing how to express yourself to the important people in your life. We all want to feel valued, loved, respected, to feel special and important and I can guarantee you learning new ways to communicate will bring you more of what you want.

Relationships need safety and healthy attachment to thrive. The one question we all need to know from our partners is, “are you there for me” and when we trust that someone is there for us it builds an awesome level of intimacy and connection and yes this is the space for great sex.

If you relationship is not thriving in the way you would like and you don’t understand why not, ask yourself what you could do to improve connection with your love.
"love held in our hands"

Here is a list of ideas to get you started with reconnecting. Think of the whole day as foreplay. Love is in the Details.
I am sure you can come up with a few of your own as well.

  1. positively engage, listen, be curious
  2. be calm and non-reactive, explain what you need and want clearly
  3. be appreciative and grateful for what your partner brings to the relationship, thank them for the things they do 
  4. share common interests, time together
  5. laugh with each other
  6. be openly affectionate, look at her/him directly
  7. be transparent and trustworthy
  8. do not criticize, blame or judge
  9. put your phone away
  10. check in for 20 minutes everyday
  11. smile at each other
  12. text little things during the day ????
  13. gifts for no special reason are nice????
  14. look after yourself which means you take care of yourself, body, mind and soul
  15. grow, learn, create, be inspired
  16. be happy
  17. kiss????
  18. celebrate
  19. offer to help, support, be of value
  20. be loving, caring, kind, compassionate

As Rumi says; Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

Need relationship help-you can book me directly

loveLove Mheyah 
Please connect with me at
www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com

facebook@connectionpointcentre
twitter@mheyahbailey
instagram@mheyahbailey
pinterest@mheyahbailey

Find out more about Mheyah

 

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How to deal with other people’s Big Feelings

 

6 Ways to deal with other people’s “Big Feelings” by Mheyah Bailey

I ran out of compassion, curiousity and courage the other day. All the important relationship principles were here in my heart and head, and then in a flash they were gone and I mean gone.
I am again reminded of how hard it is to stay grounded when someone else is yelling, upset and angry. I think I should qualify that. Anyone can yell and it doesn’t affect me, however if someone I love and care about yells and is upset, that is a completely different story.

I have a tendency to fall into complete trauma when anyone yells at me and appears to be angry with me. I interpret angry loud communication, which in our family we call Big Feelings, as very threatening to the relationship, could possible mean the relationship is over, I have been bad in some way and I am not loved. It hits me in my most vulnerable place of fear of losing love, not being good enough or not being loveable.
That is my old story and sometimes my history really jumps up and bites me, as my brain seems to have a mind of it’s own and just goes off into this weird place of threat and fear. I felt blindsided by my vulnerable self and couldn’t hang onto my adult, mature self. Counselors are human after all.
kid-tantrum-stubborn-brat

Well the truth is that our brains actually do that. If anyone has been the recipient of trauma or abuse then the trauma is most likely hardwired into the brain. That is essentially what PTSD is and sometimes when I am surprised by what I perceive as an attack I melt down just like I would have as a child in the face of abandonment and rejection.
I know in my logical brain that isn’t true but in the heat of the moment I have to talk my way into a calmer more rational place. So how does one self soothe during relationship conflict, stress, trauma or drama? I believe it is much the same for a lot of people and is how arguments start because both parties feel they must defend themselves from attack. The trick is to self soothe so you don’t fall into defensiveness and attack back.

It is particularly damaging to live with negative emotions such as contempt, judgment and anger and is up to both parties to learn to be responsible for their reactions and responses.

This article however is for you, while dealing with an upset person. 

Here are 6 actions you can do to help yourself when someone else is really upset.

  1. Cry and run away. Just kidding, that was my 6 year old talking
  1. Set a Boundary and take a time out- hold up the hand and say I need time out and I will talk to you when you stop raising your voice and I feel calm.
    No one deserves to be yelled at and you don’t need to take responsibility for someone else’s feelings. It is their responsibility to learn to share their feelings in a positive and healthy way. Your part is to set a boundary about what kind of treatment you will accept. The person with the Big Feelings is most likely not able to soothe themselves yet, so it is up to you to create the space for everyone to return to calm. It doesn’t mean the issue has gone away, it just means both parties can return to the conversation and find resolution. A time out is essential so that you have the time to self soothe, calm down, become conscious of your own feelings, needs and values and return to a place of commitment, curiousity, compassion and courage. Remind yourself ‘I am not responsible for anyone else’s feelings’
    boundaries-1
  2. Don’t take it personally As you are taking your time out remember and repeat ‘this isn’t about me’ ‘this isn’t about me’  ‘this isn’t about me’
    Someone who is upset, angry and expressing themselves loudly is most likely feeling hurt, in pain and feeling threatened in some way themselves, so it is vital to not make up any stories about what it all means and remember that it says more about them than it does about you and repeat ‘I am not responsible for anyone else’s feelings’

    nothing anyone says or does means anything about you

  3. Breathe deeply, concentrate on breathing from your stomach and as the old saying goes count to 10 or maybe even 100. We forget to breath and when we are faced with conflict, stress or trauma we start to breath very shallow which deprives the brain and organs of much need oxygen. If you notice you are breathing in your upper chest, stand against a wall and breath through your lower abdomen. It will increase oxygen and automatically relieve stress and repeat ‘I am not responsible for someone else’s feelings’Keep Calm
  4. See a counselor or coach to work through your brain wiring, communication skills, boundary setting and other roadblocks to contentment and successful relationships.
    Some counselors and coaches including myself offer crisis management if you need to connect with someone for support either through email or phone calls. I have found it can be very beneficial to support my clients through conflict in the moment rather than wait until the event is over. It can help uncover those hidden core tapes that are usually the cause of our reactions.
    There are many techniques to achieve calm in the face of stress through meditation, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitizing Reprocessing) hypnosis, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) just to name a few and repeat ‘ I am not responsible for some else’s feelings’DSC_2976
  5. Meditate for 10 to 30 minutes. There are many options out there for meditating and is probably the most valuable tool for soothing oneself and changing the state of your brain from stress to calm. There are abundant resources for guided meditations or meditating on your own. Either way meditating is the best solution for taking a step back, self soothe and reminding yourself ‘you are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings’
    TimeOut
  6. Remind yourself what you are responsible for. You are only responsible to stay responsibly connected. What does that mean? Well I can tell you what it doesn’t mean first. It doesn’t mean, that you accept abuse, disrespect, contempt, judgment, accusations, blame, criticism, name calling etc.
    What it does mean is that you recognize and can discern that someone is just upset and lost their ‘stuff’ You know that you trust them and yourself to remain in the relationship until it is resolved, that you are responsible for your own reactions, responses and feelings and have learned communication skills that creates connection rather than disconnection and that you really, really get, that your are not responsible for some else’s feelings but you are responsible for responding with awareness of yourself, compassion, curiousity, love, courage and are committed to collaborating to resolve the issue.
    Screen Shot 2015-02-27 at 9.04.29 AM

 

loveLove Mheyah 
Please connect with me at
www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com

facebook@connectionpointcentre
twitter@mheyahbailey
instagram@mheyahbailey
pinterest@mheyahbailey

Find out more about Mheyah

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The Power of APPRECIATION

Relationship Revolution- The Power of Appreciation by Mheyah Bailey

I have recently been re-inspired by witnessing the power of APPRECIATION
and reminded in a big way by an amazing couple I have met, the value and importance of APPRECIATION and how much LOVE really is an action word.

I have been living in the UK for the last 2 years and I have noticed the subtleties in the differences between Canadian and English communication styles, which has nothing to do with the differences in our accents, but more to do with the differences in our culture. It is so interesting that we can be so different considering we speak the same language.  I have found myself being acutely aware of what I say and how I say it and listening to people here with a new level of awareness. I will however leave this rather large topic for another newsletter, but instead focus today on a universal human commonality that is just as important here in the UK or Canada or Anywhere.
I was beautifully reminded by this young couple of how very, very, VERY important APPRECIATION is to the well being of ourselves individually, and how much expressing APPRECIATION positively impacts the happiness, fulfillment and security of relationships.
Everyday I am privileged to witness love and honoured to support people in their fears around the perceived loss of love, and all the complications that being in relationship brings to us. I teach couples how to get to the heart of the matter so they can create more connection, work collaboratively and remember why they chose each other in the first place. I welcome the challenges so people can learn more about themselves, each other, what they need and value and how to improve their communication so they can learn to celebrate differences, help them learn not to take things personally and make their relationships more positive, connected and full of love.

I will showAt the heart of this is that we all need to feel APPRECIATED, HEARD, ACKNOWLEDGED , RECOGNIZED and WITNESSED for all that makes us SPECIAL & UNIQUE, for the things we do everyday and the contributions we make in large and small ways personally, professionally or globally. It doesn’t matter how you contribute or what you do or what motivates you, whether it is cooking a meal so your family can eat, getting up that one extra time at night with the baby so your partner can have some valuable sleep, going out everyday to work to support the family, speaking at the UN on some new important policy that will impact the safety of the world, running the government, building houses, setting broken bones, creating art, designing technology……………………….. We are all motivated to do the things we do, by many diverse personal needs and values whether it is love, commitment, responsibility, money, creativity or intellect and so many other motivators, some positive and some not so much.
I imagine that you understand to some degree that we all get a sense of personal fulfillment in one way or another from making those choices to do what we do, as we all have hopes, values, needs and dreams and our actions are in service of fulfilling those, however, what I witnessed the other day was how important it is to be APPRECIATED by those around us and especially from those we love and care about.

“Nothing is done in this world without hope” MLK jr

In my experience in life, personally and professionally, it seems to be such an important ingredient to feel APPRECIATED and to have HOPE of that eventuality, which to most of us equates to feeling LOVED.
I witnessed a couple I am privileged to be coaching, such a compelling understanding of the importance of feeling APPRECIATED, that I am convinced that one of the main reasons relationships break down is because of this lack of feeling APPRECIATED, whether it is a couple, family, friend or professional relationship.
Our level of satisfaction and fulfillment will undoubtedly suffer because of a lack of appreciation. The majority of people who look outside their relationships, look for new jobs or a change in circumstances, generally are looking for appreciation, understanding and a connection for which they feel is lacking in their current relationships or situations.
love-and-appreciation
Dr. John Gottman from his Love Lab research, says that our interactions with others needs to be a ratio of 6 positive engagements to one negative, and if the balance is off there will be a definite decline in the quality and satisfaction in the relationship.

It really doesn’t take a lot to show APPRECIATION which is a close cousin to good old fashioned manners. Psychology teaches us that people are motivated to contribute to the greater good and feeling appreciated and valued for what we contribute is the currency for feeling fulfillment and happiness. It doesn’t mean that we need to have appreciation to contribute, it just means that it can be more fulfilling and meaningful and ensure our continued interest in contributing if we do. OK I admit it, I am not Mother Theresa and I really value knowing I made a difference in someone’s life. I am far more motivated by APPRECIATION than money 🙂
So judge me if you will but I think APPRECIATION is a very important human need and I think we can all forget to show our appreciation for others and fall into the trap of taking our relationships for granted. So if LOVE is an ACTION word, APPRECIATION is the currency for fulfillment, and we need to keep the balance of a 6 to 1 ratio of positive to negative, then how are you going to show your appreciation to others today.

appreciation-dayHere are some suggestions.
1. Notice and acknowledge a job completed
2. Say thank you to someone for the difference they make in your life, even the little things, because the little things are really important. (I think I may not have thanked my husband for bringing me tea in bed every morning)
3. Doing the APPRECIATION exercise. Three things I really appreciate about you today is……….and this works great with your children (or employees) and helps build their confidence, self esteem and their trust in their value to their community or family in the case of ones children
4. Do something for someone without expectation of anything in return
5. Give positive feedback ie: Wow the dinner is amazing. Thank you for making it for us or thank you for ensuring those emails got out or….
6. Send a card to thank someone for something you really value they do or did for you
7. Hug people you care about, hug people just because…..
8. Say I love you and WHY you love them, not just the 3 words but add what it is about them that you value, admire and respect.
9. Call, text or email just because you want to positively connect
10. Notice all the jobs that get done and mention that you noticed
11. Leave a note of appreciation for someone to find. It’s called A NICE NOTE!
12. Use reflective listening so others know you really heard them

Try this process for acknowledgement. When you do……….I really feel………because it meets my needs and values for……..In your own words of course 🙂

I hope you have enjoyed this newsletter and would love to hear back how showing APPRECIATION impacted your day?

I deeply appreciate your time and letting me share some thoughts with you and thank you to the couple that inspired this article. You know who you are.
love Mheyah 

Please connect with me at
 www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com

facebook@connectionpointcentre
twitter@mheyahbailey
instagram@mheyahbailey
pinterest@mheyahbailey

Find out more about Mheyah 

Please sign up below for important and valuable information to help you succeed in your relationships

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8 Steps to Happier Relationships


Relationship Revolution-
8 Steps to Happier Relationships by Mheyah Bailey
Also published on Metro LivingZine 

I am reminded everyday of the importance of what we choose to say, who we choose to be and how we choose to share what we think, how we feel and what is important to us.
Everything is a message to the world, the people we care about and how we share that message determines the quality of our relationships and the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.
I can guarantee you that if you are experiencing conflict, feeling upset with people and the world around you, your relationships are rocky, you feel alone, disrespected and misunderstood. The opposite can be worse, if you feel apathy, numb and disconnected.

There is a solution and the solution is Radical Responsibility.
The good news: there is no other solution and the bad news: there is no other solution.

The only solution is to look within and discover yourself. Relationships are an open invitation to learn and grow, an opportunity to unearth the truth and find the deeper meaning of what you think and how you feel so you can share the real you.
I believe it is a privileged opportunity to be in relationships that struggle, because those challenges give you the opportunity to look at your part in it and teach you how to be responsible for what you are contributing to the way the relationship is at the moment.

I believe initially we all look outside of ourselves to find the cause of our unhappiness, but the best and worst news is, happiness isn’t outside ourselves; it is all to be found inside. The majority of my clients arrive for a first session complaining about their partners and what they are doing wrong to make them unhappy. It can be a hard concept to grasp that relationships are really individual inside work and to create truly happy successful relationships each person in the partnership will have to be radically responsible for themselves.

8 Steps you can take today to create a Happier Relationship:

Show Up
Although our culture has framed dependency as a bad thing, a weakness, it is not. Being attached to someone provides our greatest sense of security and safety. It means depending on a partner to respond when you call, to know that you matter to him or her, that you are cherished, and that they will respond to your emotional needs” And of course this is where being COMMITTED is of the utmost importance as other people need to know that you aren’t going anywhere, that you will do what you say you will do, that you are committed to the process, even through the challenging conversations that aren’t easy to have, that you won’t go far when you need space and that you can be relied on to come back, that you are reliable to follow through, that you are committed to the values that are important to you both, like honesty or integrity, that you have an agreement of acceptable behaviour between you, are loyal, collaborative, caring, compassionate, are on the same team, that you show up like you say you will, that you accept responsibility for yourself, that you are consistent, that you can depend on one another……………this all builds TRUST. Partners need to know that you choose them everyday over everyone else.
This is showing up.
64010_10151292662941030_576091037_n

Take Time Out
Just like a wayward child we all need a time out sometimes and we all need to take responsibility for when we need that time out. If we are tired, stressed, upset, not emotionally available, physically drained, on overload or flooded it is our responsibility to look after ourselves. Take a time out and do what you need to do to regroup. It is important to manage stress and process what we are stressed or upset about. Some people watch TV, listen to music, read, meditate, exercise, walk in nature, get away for the weekend or spend time with friends etc. I am sure you have your own list. There are two caveats to taking a timeout that are most important.

1. Let your partner, friend or colleague know that you need to regroup and assure them that you will be back and state when you will be able to that. This builds trust and safety.
2. We all have our exits in life and I would like to suggest that there are positive ways to manage stress and negative ones. Some activities will damage your relationships and cause harm to you and everyone around you, so choose wisely what you do to manage stress and upset. Everyday you get to choose what you want more of in your life.
So ask yourself “ Will this bring me more connection, love and success or less connection, love and success” Your choice 

TimeOut

Have Compassion
For any successful healthy relationship both parties need to feel heard, understood, appreciated and accepted. To achieve that we all need to have an endless well of compassion. If we are to improve our connections with others we need to suspend judgment, our own self-talk and reactivity. Empathy and compassion are the underlying premise of all positive connections and conversations and is the cord between hearts. Compassion is different than sympathy and is simply the ability to remain in an open loving heart and be with someone else’s pain and upset even when it is sometimes directed at you. This often is difficult to actually achieve, however it is vitally important to any relationship personally or professionally.

Compassion is a Verb

Be Vulnerable- Have Courage
Suffice to say that relationships need a lot of courage. To be in a healthy relationship one needs to be vulnerable, which of course is the proverbial double edged sword or catch 22, because to be vulnerable means to be open to hurt and pain. So if you have to be vulnerable to have a healthy working relationship it will definitely take a lot of courage to come from that open vulnerable place. When our hearts or reputation or ego’s are involved it takes monumental courage to face ones fear of potential abandonment, criticism, feeling rejected or unlovable.

BRENE BROWN says: “Vulnerability is scary, but it’s also a powerful and authentic way to live. Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences. She defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure”
Think about the vulnerability it takes to love someone – whether it’s your parents, siblings, spouse or close friends. Love is filled with uncertainties and risks.
As Brown notes, the person you love might or might not love you back. They might be in your life for a long time or they might not. They might be terrifically loyal or they might stab you in the back. Think about the vulnerability it takes to share your ideas with the world, not knowing how your work will be perceived. You might be appreciated, laughed at or downright skewered. Vulnerability is hard. But what can make it even harder — needlessly so — are the inaccurate assumptions we hold about it, like vulnerability is being weak, some of us don’t experience vulnerability or that to be vulnerable you must spill all your secrets. Vulnerability embraces boundaries and trust. Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them. Being vulnerable takes courage. But it’s worth it. It’s worth it to be ourselves, to connect to others”
1063995_10151771447896264_2140838735_o

Be Creative-Learn-Imagine-Play
Pick a hobby or recreation that you enjoy as it will balance out daily stress. This is one of the most important aspects to happiness in my mind and is also one of the most important aspects for healthy relationships. It is vitally important to continue or find your creative centre for your relationships to thrive. When you feel fulfilled and expressing yourself creatively it will keep your relationship sparkling with enthusiasm and inspiration too.
Learn something new every day-Whenever we learn something new, including new attitudes, perspectives, or behaviors, we are changing the physical structure of the brain. Educate yourself, your mind and your spirit and you will feel happier and your relationships more fun and fulfilling.

 

"respond to every call"

Be Curious
We are all born curious, it is a natural quality we all possess. Curiousity is what makes us humans learn to crawl, seek, taste, see, experience, create, philosophize, dream, explore, change. Curiousity is foundational to all creativity and is an essential principle to creating successful relationships.
Why you might ask? Well if you aren’t curious in life and love then you limit yourself to only what you know already. That will be the limit of your experience and understanding. To seek to understand more is an exceedingly important quality in your relationships because we can never truly understand another persons experience without delving deeper. It is important to not believe we actually know what anyone else is experiencing and to be ever so gently open and non-judgmentally curious.

I believe it is invaluable to be deeply interested in what another person is trying to express with no agenda other than to understand, and in turn being deeply curious about yourself, what you are feeling and what you need to express as well.

Being curious shows that you care, that you are interested; that how the other person feels is important to you and that they are important to you.

While being curious you need to be able to listen without judgment or interrupting. Listening means to be silent and that your brain is entirely engaged with the other person’s experience and how they are feeling as they struggle to express what is going on for them, while also being mindful of your own feelings and responses. Being curious means you ask questions that show your interest in learning more such as:
What is that like? What happened? How do you feel about that? What happened? How do you feel? What is important about that to you? What do you need? Can you help me understand? How can I help?

curious

Be Truthful
As Don Miguel Ruiz says “be impeccable with your word” Tell the truth, don’t tell people what they want to hear or what you think you should say, be honest about what you think, how you feel and what you need however choose your words carefully and follow the golden rules of Connection Point communication.
1. Choose your intention (what you hope will happen)
2. State what happened without criticism or judgment
3. Share how you feel (anger is not a feeling)
4. Explain what you need and value
5. Ask for what you would like to see happen

truth

Be Appreciative
In my experience in life, personally and professionally, it seems to be such an important ingredient to feel APPRECIATED and to have HOPE of that eventuality, which to most of us equates to feeling LOVED.

I am convinced that one of the main reasons relationships break down is because of this lack of feeling APPRECIATED, whether it is a couple, family, friend or professional relationship.

Our level of satisfaction and fulfillment will undoubtedly suffer because of a lack of appreciation. The majority of people who look outside their relationships, look for new jobs or a change in circumstances, generally are looking for appreciation, wanting to feel valued, understood and a connection for which they feel is lacking in their current relationships or situations.
It really doesn’t take a lot to show APPRECIATION, which is a close cousin to good old-fashioned manners. Psychology teaches us that people are motivated to contribute to the greater good and feeling appreciated and valued for what we contribute is the currency for feeling fulfillment and happiness. It doesn’t mean that we need to have appreciation to contribute; it just means that it can be more fulfilling, meaningful and ensure our continued interest in contributing if we do.
I really value knowing I made a difference in someone’s life and am far more motivated by APPRECIATION than money 🙂
I believe APPRECIATION is a very important human need and I think we can all forget to show our appreciation for others and fall into the trap of taking our relationships for granted.
So if LOVE is an ACTION word and APPRECIATION is the currency for fulfillment, how are you going to show your appreciation to others today.
I will show

Let have an appreciation-day
Here are some suggestions.

  1. Notice and acknowledge a job completed
  2. Say thank you to someone for the difference they make in your life, even the little things, because the little things are really important. (I think I may not have thanked my husband for bringing me tea in bed every morning)
  3. Doing the APPRECIATION exercise. Three things I really appreciate about you today is……….and this works great with your children (or employees) and helps build their confidence, self esteem and their trust in their value to their community or family in the case of ones children
  4. Do something for someone without expectation of anything in return
  5. Give positive feedback ie: Wow the dinner is amazing. Thank you for making it for us or thank you for ensuring those emails got out or….
  6. Send a card to thank someone for something you really value they do or did for you
  7. Hug people you care about, hug people just because…..
  8. Say I love you and WHY you love them, not just the 3 words but add what it is about them that you value, admire and respect.
  9. Call, text or email just because you want to positively connect
  10. Notice all the jobs that get done and mention that you noticed
  11. Leave a note of appreciation for someone to find. It’s called A NICE NOTE!
  12. Use reflective listening so others know you really heard them

Go be happy and create positive connections and change your relationships one conversation at a time.

loveLove Mheyah ♥
Please connect with me at
www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com

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BOUNDARIES & THE CHAMPAGNE DILEMMA

Successful Communication Made Simple Series by Mheyah Bailey
also published on Metro LivingZine

The last couple of months we have been discussing what it means to be “Fiercely Accountable” This topic fits under the principle of Consciousness in the 5 Simple Steps for Successful Communication. Consciousness or awareness if you would rather is one of the fundamental qualities one needs to be a Stellar Communicator. When we talk about Consciousness I suggested that all healthy and successful relationships personally or professionally start with knowing yourself first and this is an important truth.
This week we will be discussing; to be Fiercely Accountable one must be able to tell others what you need and value and that means setting clear boundaries honestly and compassionately.
In our series so far we have discussed the principles and qualities one needs to be a great communicator and are learning what it takes to actually action these principles. We have chatted about the 5 principles that are necessary for stellar communication, Consciousness, Compassion, Curiousity, Courage and Commitment and we have also briefly touched on the 5 Simple Steps for Successful Communication: Intentions, Observations, Feelings, Values, Requests.

So we are moving on to setting boundaries and what that really means. Simply put, it means drawing a line in the sand and saying: this is me, this is who I am and this what I need and value.
Draw a Line

Boundaries are limits that you establish within yourself and express to others what’s acceptable to you, what’s not acceptable, what you’ll tolerate, what you’ll put up with and what the consequences are if your boundaries are crossed.
Boundaries have to do with your own self-respect, your self-esteem, your beliefs, your preferences, what you need and value and is truly being your most authentic and honest self.
Someone with healthy, established boundaries, for example, can and will say ‘NO’
So, if you have healthy established boundaries, you are comfortable saying ‘NO’ 
You don’t become stressed, or anxious or worry about it. If something’s not right for you, you can say ‘NO’ compassionately and collaboratively. If you can’t say “NO it can be a challenge to learn but is an important principle in any successful relationship.
A person with healthy, established boundaries can take responsibility for their own feelings and behavior. They don’t blame others for how they feel and don’t take on the role of victim. This is being Fiercely Accountable or even I would go so far as to say “Radically Responsible”

Fences

It is essential for any successful relationship that both individuals are able to clearly and compassionately communicate their boundaries to get their own needs met.  The ability to do this creates a healthy strong foundation for both people where they can trust each other to speak honestly and truthfully taking any guess work out of the equation.
It seems whenever I am inspired to write something it inevitably shows up in my life right in that very moment and I am reminded to live life through my principles and not compromise myself which can be the danger if I lose sight of my commitment to being Radically Responsible.

So not only did something completely personal show up about setting boundaries but also people started sharing their own stories where they need to set boundaries and show up with their truth, which I will share with you to illustrate what I mean.

This is a brief example of how relationships can be impacted by years of not sharing what you need and want and being clear with someone.
I am calling it the “Champagne Dilemma” 

Champagne

A friend of mine was sharing with me how he does not get on with his sister and as usual my curiosity compels me to enquire “in what way does he not get on with his sister” He started to explain that she doesn’t adhere to certain standards and when he arrives for some celebration or another, the champagne will be warm and in his opinion the food is less than optimal for a classy occasion. He believes certain standards are important when entertaining and this level of inattention to what is important to him has caused a rift in his relationship with his sister and he is unwilling to even visit anymore. Now when I heard this story I asked him, as one does, if he had considered mentioning how he feels about this to his sister. Of course the answer was a big NO, he would never want to upset his sister by telling her how he feels, but instead he has let it impact his relationship with her and they are not close as they once were. Now to be fair my friend is a foodie and owns 3 restaurants so you can see why this would be important to him and you can imagine my wonderings all the way home about this situation. Hope you can see where this is leading.

This is more about sharing ones preferences than needing to draw a line in the sand but it does illustrate how not sharing can be a doomsday for any relationship.
If my friend was compassionately clear about his preferences for chilled champagne with his sister imagine all the possibilities for better understanding of each other, which creates friendship and intimacy and hopefully a good laugh at our humanity at the end of the day.
He could suggest he bring the champagne and food to support his sister in creating the occasion. He could gently say, oh I see we have champagne again, I love champagne, would you mind if I throw it in the freezer to chill for a bit. I love my champagne a wee bit chilly LOL
The possibilities are endless as to how this could be resolved so my friend gets his needs met for what he values, and also preserve and possibly improve the connection between him and his sister (who I am sure is a lovely lady who just doesn’t think about the champagne in the same way her brother does) Can you think of any solutions that you would use?

To be Radically Responsible means my friend would own that this is his issue not his sisters and it is up to him to resolve it and to really look at his own response to the issue. I have this great formula I use when I have an issue come up. It really helps me identify what is going on for me and helps me see what I need or value and if I need to share how I feel or I need to work on my own ‘stuff’. Going through this exercise helps me discern what is my responsibility and what is someone else’s.
I look at the situation and ask myself three questions:

  1. What am I judging? Really don’t want to judge others.
  2. What am I resisting? Yup, that means I am resisting what is real and not accepting what is the truth in that moment.
  3. What am I attached to? Have to say life is way better when I am not attached to ‘stuff’ and ‘outcomes’ This is when I need to remind myself to TRUST. Trust in whatever is important to you.

boundaries-1 I think we all can sometimes fear that we may be rejected or cause upset if we express an opinion or ask for something we need and want. It’s a lovely quality to want to please someone you care about or work with, but some people don’t think they have a choice and saying “no” causes them anxiety and fear.. This can be called co-dependent behaviour however is not a behaviour that only co-dependent people engage in. Some people, co-dependent or not have a hard time saying “No” to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.

Boundaries make a divider between what is your responsibility and what is someone else’s responsibility, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. That’s where a lot of people get into trouble by having blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own feelings on others. It takes a lot of courage to set a clear boundary and then follow through in the face of the fear of potential consequences and equally some people have rigid boundaries, are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them.

So if you are unable to speak up and set healthy boundaries from a loving place, I would recommend you learn how. Speaking your truth is a loving courageous act to oneself and another and could save your partnerships in your life and create more authentic and honest connections with everyone. I believe it is our purpose in life to become our most authentic selves so we can better share our gifts with each other personally, professionally, globally, changing the world one conversation at a time.

loveLove Mheyah ♥ 
Please connect with me at www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com
facebook@connectionpointcentre
twitter@mheyahbailey
instagram@mheyahbailey
pinterest@mheyahbailey

Find out more about Mheyah 

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Big New Discovery-INTENTION is everything when it comes to successful conversations


Intention is Key to all Successful Communication by Mheyah Bailey
Also published on Metro LivingZine

I have noticed that a lot of communication systems are missing, what I believe is the KEY COMPONENT to having any successful conversation.
I am going to assume, which we all know can be a dangerous thing, that if you are interested in communication and reading this article, that your overall desire is to have less conflict, be more successful, have more positive connections with others, feel happier, be heard and understood, have more loving connections with your friends & family, create win win conversations that are a respectful dialogue in any areas of your life personally or professionally.

With that assumption, I want to share with you that the most important part of any conversation is the INTENTION.

imagesMy INTENTION in sharing this with you, is with the HOPE that I can help you avoid some of the communication errors I have made and the costs associated with not knowing how to communicate effectively. My hope in all my life has always been to create more connection, love and happiness in my relationships, but because no one had taught me the simple steps it took to really be successful at communication sadly I have not always done such a good job. I have learned the hard way, and my biggest hope is that you won’t have to go through a similar long journey I have been on and possibly incur some of the losses I have had.  If I can in some way shorten that path and support you to create more HAPPINESS & SUCCESS in LIFE & LOVE, I will feel I have fulfilled a very important life mission for myself, which is to minimize pain and suffering personally, professionally & globally.

I have discovered after years of conversations not ending with the positive outcomes I had hoped for, I now see that the 
INTENTION is a step not to be missed and is one of the most important steps in any conversation.

We need to go beyond the usual ways of communicating with people and actually state what is important to us about having a particular conversation, especially if you have some feelings you are trying to express, or you are sharing something that you are afraid may cause conflict, upset or pain, or you are hoping for a collaborative response. This is the same whether we are speaking with a loved one, colleague or employee.
Stating an intention at the beginning is where you take responsibility for the reason you need to have the conversation, what you HOPE will happen and being clear about your GOAL by having the conversation. If the other person on the receiving end knows what your intentions are at the outset, then it can help them not react negatively to what you are saying. Stating your intention can build positivity, collaboration and trust. All leaders and good communicators know that to connect and influence one needs to be honest about the reason, goal and hope in having the dialogue.
It sets a positive and collaborative tone.
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NOTHING CAN BE DONE IN THE WORLD WITHOUT HOPE
M.L. KING jr

 

If you are unaware of what you are trying to accomplish before you start a conversation it could end up going sideways.
Asking yourself these questions may help you get clarity on your intention………….
What is important about what you want to say?
Why is it important to you?
What do you need from this person?
What do you HOPE to get by having this conversation? more love, understanding, collaboration, cooperation, connection, knowledge, appreciation, change, success, help or support in some way……………

Stating your HOPE or GOAL is vital because it is reassuring and sets a positive tone. It can be helpful to state that it is your intention to share what you need and how you feel, not to hurt, judge or wound the other person. This is where it is vital to be clear and take responsibility for yourself, your FEELINGS and NEEDS so you don’t inadvertently sound like you are blaming or criticising the other person, and you are being honest & authentic about your feelings, needs and what you are hoping will happen by having the conversation.
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It can be helpful to ask yourself, am I going to create more connection or disconnection, before you speak. I have found that leading a conversation with an INTENTION can make a 100% difference in the outcome. It is vital for you to understand that by stating your intention you are taking responsibility and owning your your part in the relationship.
To learn more about NEEDS CLICK HERE and for a FEELINGS list CLICK HERE

I have discovered that truly successful conversations are made up of
5 SIMPLE PRINCIPLES

Only 5 SIMPLE PRINCIPLES to create SUCCESSFUL CONVERSATIONS and you can change your life creating a life rich in HAPPINESS, LOVE & SUCCESS.
So if 85 % of our happiness and success can be attributed to our communication skills then WOW how easy will it be to change your life with only 5 SIMPLE COMMUNICATION TOOLS

loveLove Mheyah ♥ 
Please connect with me at 

www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com
facebook@connectionpointcentre
twitter@mheyahbailey
instagram@mheyahbailey
pinterest@mheyahbailey

 

more about Mheyah

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Creating Successful Relationships


Successful Communication Made Simple- A Series of Conversations

by Mheyah Bailey

“the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives”

This is the beginning of a series about how we can all Create more Successful Relationships. At Connection Point Centre we believe that excellent communication can be learned and is the key to living happy, loving and successful lives. This is where I believe we can change the world, positively connecting, personally, professionally and globally, one conversation at a time.


"connect"

Studies show that 85% of our happiness & success in life can be directly attributed to our communication skills

The atmosphere of all our relationships is determined entirely on our ability to communicate and how we exchange ideas, thoughts and feelings, how we manage our own reactivity, appreciate others’ perspectives, listen, solve conflict and express our own needs and values. How we communicate controls what our lives are like and whether we feel happy, fulfilled, have loving relationships and are successful personally and professionally, or whether we experience conflict, disharmony, disconnection, unhappiness and feel misunderstood, unfulfilled, alone and unappreciated.

Every day we live and work with other people who have different opinions, values, beliefs, and needs than our own, so having the ability to communicate effectively with others is what will create more love, happiness and success in all areas of our lives.

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I believe that as human beings one of our most basic needs is to be heard, understood, appreciated, feel loved and bond with others, and that learning how to express our beliefs, thoughts, feelings and needs is as important as water and breathing. Learning the fine art of communication earlier in life would mean that many of us would have been able to avoid a lot of pain in our lives from the lack of understanding ourselves and each other.

The act of communicating not only involves the words we choose, but how we say the words, our tone and body language. Our use of language and being mindful of a desired outcome has tremendous power in the type of atmosphere that is created during moments of emotional conflict. Words that are critical, blaming, judgmental or accusatory tend to create resistance and defensiveness that is not conducive to productive problem solving or loving respectful connection. On the other hand, we can choose words that are softer, more positive and compassionate and have an element of personal responsibility that will lead to clearer understanding and positive loving connection.

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The truth is relatively simple and successful communication requires that we state our point of view, our feelings, values and needs as succinctly and as clearly as possible with a foundation of copious quantities of heartfelt authenticity and compassion.

Are you experiencing conflict with your partner, your children and your colleagues at work?
Are you feeling misunderstood and not appreciated?
Do you want to feel more loved?
Do you not feel happy and don’t even know why?
Do you feel blamed and criticized?
Are you not enjoying life?
Is your partner distant and unresponsive?
Are you not where you want to be in your career?
Are you feeling unfulfilled and purposeless?
Do you not know how to ask for what you want?
Are you afraid to speak up for yourself? 

“If you do what you have always done you will get what you have always got”

Speaking

I believe there are 5 principles that are necessary for stellar communication, Consciousness, Compassion, Curiousity, Courage and Commitment which we will discuss in greater detail in the series and I will also share with you
the 5 Simple Steps for Creating Successful Communication: Intentions, Observations, Feelings, Values, Requests.
The place to start learning how to become more successful in your relationships is by getting to know yourself better, becoming conscious of the impact you have on others and becoming personally responsible for your part in any interaction, learning to manage your emotions, anxiety and reactivity. Combine all that with stellar communication skills and you can create the life you have always dreamed of personally, professionally and globally.
10 Reason to Improve Communication

Connection Point Centre specializes in teaching communication skills that create connection and harmony, resolves conflict, improves relationships through heart to heart conversations, team building through authentic expression and collaboration, coaching dynamic cultures and creating more love, happiness and success in all areas of your life.

“What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart” – Dr. Marshall Rosenberg NVC

loveLove Mheyah ♥ 
Please connect with me at www.connectionpointcentre.com
or by email at mheyah@gmail.com

facebook@connectionpointcentre
twitter@mheyahbailey
instagram@mheyahbailey
pinterest@mheyahbailey

Find out more about Mheyah 

 

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The Act of Compassion

What does it take to be Compassionate?
Also published on Metro LivingZine

Over the past months we have been learning about the 5 Principles for Successful Communication and are delving deeper into what it takes and who we need to be to develop the qualities it takes to embody the 5 Principles which are:
ConsciousnessCompassionCuriousityCourage and Commitment

We are now going to look more deeply at what it means to be Compassionate and how to actually embody Compassion

Firstly what is the definition of Compassion? What does it mean?

COMPASSION: (kuhm-pash-uhn) NOUN: a feeling of deep empathy, care and understanding for another who is upset, hurting, in pain or stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to care for and alleviate the suffering. It means to have heart.

Compassion is a Verb

We all need to learn to have an endless well of compassion if we are to improve our connections with others, which in a lot of cases means we need to suspend judgment, our own self talk and reactivity. Empathy and compassion are the underlying premise of all positive connections and conversations and is the cord between hearts. Compassion is different than sympathy and is simply the ability to remain in an open loving heart and be with someone else’s pain even when it is sometimes directed at you. This can often times be difficult to actually achieve, however it is vitally important to any relationship.

For any successful healthy relationship both parties need to feel heard, understood, appreciated and accepted, however resolution when there are differences or conflict is a process that sometimes cannot happen immediately, but happens over some time, hours, days or weeks even. We sometimes have to be patient with the process. When someone is experiencing upset they may not have the capacity for compassion in that moment and that is why it is so important for any of us to have an endless well of compassion for the person who is experiencing some strong feelings, whatever the cause, even if you are the cause. In our family we call our upsets “big feelings” and we all know when there are some “big feelings” happening that it is our time to bring on the compassion, attentive listening and care for the person having the ‘big feelings”
It is usually in a moment of conflict or upset that our ability to be compassionate flies out the window, which is entirely human, however is where we need to grow as individuals.

There are a few qualities we need to embrace and embody to be able to be compassionate for others in times of stress.

  1. Don’t take anything personally.
    I imagine you may have heard that expression before as it has been widely publicized in the Toltec book; The 4 Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, but how do you manage to not take anything personally? Don Miguel says:
    “Nothing others do is because of you.       What others say and do is a projection of their own story. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering. We take things personally when we agree with what others have said. If we didn’t agree, the things that others say would not affect us emotionally. If we did not care about what others think about us, their words or behavior could not affect us. Even if someone yells at you, gossips about you, harms you or yours, it still is not about you! Their actions and words are based on what they believe in their personal story”
    To not take what others say personally is a skill for sure, one that takes time to cultivate but can be managed, and is about really integrating deep down this idea that anyone’s reaction has nothing to do with you and is only about them, what they are thinking, the story they have made up about what an event means, that their response is through the lens and perspective they see the world, from all their experiences, upbringing and education. We are shaped from the moment we are born until the day we die. We have the ability to change our perspectives at any given time, however we can only respond and react with the information we have accumulated at any given moment.
    It is a radical gift to allow someone the space to be in his or her own reality and not take responsibility for their experience or by trying to fix them. When we take things personally we are in essence taking responsibility away from someone and it is a true gift of growth to allow someone to take responsibility for their own experience, feelings and needs.
    It isn’t about you, it is about them, it is never about you and only ever about the other person.
    For me being able to have that perspective helps me not take anything personally. I have come to understand that it is never about me and that there is a lovely freedom in not feeling responsible for others reactions, feelings and responses. This allows us to be open in our hearts and offer compassion and curiousity instead of being caught up in the story, which I believe is foundational for loving connection.

    Compassion is the antidote to upset, pain, hurt and conflict. It may sound easy but can be a real challenge. If you also start to react or if you find yourself taking something personally and making it about you, STOP, LOOK & LISTEN which leads us to # 2.
    It is not you
  2. Listening: Manage your reactivity and listen with heart.
    Listening to understand is one of the most important skills to cultivate if you want to have compassion and excel at communication. Authentically listening means you are in your heart and not in your head rebutting, defending, arguing, stonewalling etc or any other myriad of negative reactions that cuts off connection. When you listen, are curious, reflective and responsive then you are able to have compassion. Listening is ultimately respect in one of its highest forms.
    There is no room for compassion if you are not listening with your heart and I believe that the pursuit of love, appreciation and acknowledgement is probably one of our most fundamental human needs and motivators. To authentically listen, it is important to suspend judgment, don’t assume you know, resist fixing, telling, scolding, sharing your advice or opinions. Just LOOK and HEAR with compassion. I can’t say enough about COMPASSION as it is my belief that it is the foundation for all positive human interactions and is what really connects us all heart to heart.
  1. Being in our heart which to me means, just standing in front of someone BEING THERE with no judgment, our body language open and soft, our brains devoid of chatter but full of love and empathy. Encompassing this quality reminds me of a coaching program I attend and support. One of the first things we are told our only job for the week is “just love the people when they walk in the room” which meant so much to me as a concept and went straight to my heart. An AHA moment one might say.Heart in Hand

Just love people where they are; It is the essence of compassion
Our leader from Choices, Thelma Box is a wise woman, and what she meant was no matter what anyone is bringing to the table, your relationship, your workplace, just love them when they come in the room. That is compassion at work.

So as you learn to cultivate compassion, I would like to ask you, what do you need to do, or NOT do, to be more compassionate?

What do you need to say No to? In my case I needed to learn to say NO to fixing people. What do you need to say YES to? I needed to say YES to embracing vulnerability.
What about you, what do you need to say NO to and what do you need to say YES to?

I also would like to suggest that who you choose to be in any given moment will either give you more of what you want or less, so ask yourself:

Are you choosing more connection or disconnection? Am I creating more connection or disconnection? We are all responsible for our reactions and responses and the outcome is up to us.

Who do you need to be today to get more of what you want in your life?
Love Mheyah

Please connect with me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest
Email: mheyah@gmail.com

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