The 7 steps to flip your “turn on switch”
We all at times can wonder why we don’t have that incredible compelling desire for our partners and you start asking yourself the big questions, Why oh Why don’t they turn me on anymore? Where did our love go?
My mantra, and I am sure you may have heard me say it over and over, because it is true, “the truth is simple’ and is the same in this case.
Unless you have some hormone imbalance or another medical condition (like depression) making you not feel sexy, and you can’t find that magic sexy sweet spot, the cause can only be one thing, a lack of mental and emotional connection.
Not only a lack of connection with each other but also with yourself. The brain is our largest sex organ and if you are not feeling sexy and connected it can only mean that you are not connecting emotionally and mentally.
Sex is the highest level of communication and if you are not communicating in all the ways that matter, sex is just not going to happen the way it used to.
So understanding the problem leads us to the solution.
If you want to feel that sexy turned on feeling again then you have to create and find the mental emotional connection.
Now this is where my job starts. I help people create connection, more love, happiness, intimacy and passion, which leads me to one of the biggest lessons in relationships: realizing that each and everyone of us is 100% responsible for ourselves and our own happiness in the relationship.
What you can do is try to understand all the events and triggers that you may not even be aware of, that have shut OFF your “turn on switch” You also may be aware of some concerns in your relationship but you haven’t dealt with them yet. What you may not realize is that by avoiding any issues you have effectively turned OFF your “turn on switch.
There are many questions you need to honestly ask yourself and do your best to discover what is true for you, what is at the heart of the matter. When we are even the slightest bit upset with your partners, maybe aren’t even aware of feeling resentful, or we haven’t set good boundaries, aren’t aware of our own needs in the relationship, have maybe compromised on important issues where we shouldn’t have, we shut down and become disconnected. Sex is only a symptom of deeper issues that need to be resolved.
Einstien said it best when he said “a problem needs to be resolved 6 layers below where it presents itself”
So if not feeling turned on is where the issue presents itself then I can guarantee the problem is definitely deeper than that. When we are not aware of underlying upset and problems our love and “turn on switch” becomes turned OFF and we become unable to feel that passion and love we once had for our partners. It isn’t lost, it is just hidden.
What can help the situation is to ask yourself some deep and meaningful questions and answer yourself truthfully with radical honesty.
- Am I upset or angry with my partner in any way. Even in small ways, are you feeling upset? Is there an imbalance of responsibilities or roles? What could you be feeling hurt about? Anger is a secondary emotion that covers up more vulnerable feelings like fear, sadness, hurt to name a few. So get real with yourself and ask yourself what are you feeling? Our feelings are our barometers that guide us to understand ourselves better.
- Do I feel resentful in anyway. This is a biggy. When we feel resentful and maybe not even acknowledging our resentment we automatically withdraw emotionally and sex is best when we are emotionally connected. What could you be resenting? Your partner not helping out, not home much, not being there for you?
- Do I feel safe and secure in my relationship? The attachment you feel to your partner is as important as the safety and security a child needs with it’s primary caregiver so if you are feeling insecure or unsafe in any way your love switch will definitely diminish. When I say safe and secure I am meaning, do you feel physically and emotionally safe and secure, free from fear and fully trusting your partner. Are you on the same team?
- What is your love language? Do you feel loved? We all have a combination of love languages and is how we feel loved. What is yours and are you getting enough of your main love language to feel special, important and loved?They are: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Affection, Acts of Service. If you can identify what makes you feel loved out of these 5, ask yourself if you are getting enough of them?
- Are you spending enough fun time together outside of the bedroom? FUN. Remember fun. What do you enjoy doing together? What brought you together in the first place? Whatever it is, do more of it.
- Are you looking after yourself? Are you making time for your own creativity, friends, exercise and living your life with purpose. We all need to feel we are living with a purpose and expressing our authentic selves. If we don’t we can project our unfulfilled selves onto our partners expecting, even unconsciously, expecting them to fulfill us and give us purpose in the world and that is not how the best relationships work. The best relationships are when two people bring their whole authentic, creative selves into the relationship and share their purpose with each other and the rest of the world.
- Communication. How skilled are you at communication? Are you able to express, what you feel, need and want? Do you know how to express yourself to create more connection and love, and less stress and conflict?
Studies have proven that “85% of your happiness and success in life can be directly attributed to your communication skills” So suffice to say that communication and connection is the answer to switching ON your “turn on switch”