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7 Questions to Ask Yourself When You Can’t Get Turned on Anymore

The 7 steps to flip your “turn on switch”

We all at times can wonder why we don’t have that incredible compelling desire for our partners and you start asking yourself the big questions, Why oh Why don’t they turn me on anymore? Where did our love go?

My mantra, and I am sure you may have heard me say it over and over, because it is true, “the truth is simple’ and is the same in this case.

Unless you have some hormone imbalance or another medical condition (like depression) making you not feel sexy, and you can’t find that magic sexy sweet spot,  the cause can only be one thing, a lack of mental and emotional connection.
Not only a lack of connection with each other but also with yourself. The brain is our largest sex organ and if you are not feeling sexy and connected it can only mean that you are not connecting emotionally and mentally.

Sex is the highest level of communication and if you are not communicating in all the ways that matter, sex is just not going to happen the way it used to.

So understanding the problem leads us to the solution.

If you want to feel that sexy turned on feeling again then you have to create and find the mental emotional connection.
couple connectionNow this is where my job starts. I help people create connection, more love, happiness, intimacy and passion, which leads me to one of the biggest lessons in relationships: realizing that each and everyone of us is 100% responsible for ourselves and our own happiness in the relationship.

What you can do is try to understand all the events and triggers that you may not even be aware of, that have shut OFF your “turn on switch” You also may be aware of some concerns in your relationship but you haven’t dealt with them yet. What you may not realize is that by avoiding any issues you have effectively turned OFF your “turn on switch.

There are many questions you need to honestly ask yourself and do your best to discover what is true for you, what is at the heart of the matter. When we are even the slightest bit upset with your partners, maybe aren’t even aware of feeling resentful, or we haven’t set good boundaries, aren’t aware of our own needs in the relationship, have maybe compromised on important issues where we shouldn’t have, we shut down and become disconnected. Sex is only a symptom of deeper issues that need to be resolved.

Einstien said it best when he said “a problem needs to be resolved 6 layers below where it presents itself”

So if not feeling turned on is where the issue presents itself then I can guarantee the problem is definitely deeper than that. When we are not aware of underlying upset and problems our love and “turn on switch” becomes turned OFF and we become unable to feel that passion and love we once had for our partners. It isn’t lost, it is just hidden.

What can help the situation is to ask yourself some deep and meaningful questions and answer yourself truthfully with radical honesty.

  1. Am I upset or angry with my partner in any way. Even in small ways, are you feeling upset? Is there an imbalance of responsibilities or roles? What could you be feeling hurt about? Anger is a secondary emotion that covers up more vulnerable feelings like fear, sadness, hurt to name a few.  So get real with yourself and ask yourself what are you feeling? Our feelings are our barometers that guide us to understand ourselves better.
  2. Do I feel resentful in anyway. This is a biggy. When we feel resentful and maybe not even acknowledging our resentment we automatically withdraw emotionally and sex is best when we are emotionally connected.  What could you be resenting? Your partner not helping out, not home much, not being there for you?
  3. Do I feel safe and secure in my relationship? The attachment you feel to your partner is as important as the safety and security a child needs with it’s primary caregiver so if you are feeling insecure or unsafe in any way your love switch will definitely diminish.  When I say safe and secure I am meaning, do you feel physically and emotionally safe and secure, free from fear and fully trusting your partner. Are you on the same team?
  4. What is your love language? Do you feel loved? We all have a combination of love languages and is how we feel loved. What is yours and are you getting enough of your main love language to feel special, important and loved?They are: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Affection, Acts of Service. If you can identify what makes you feel loved out of these 5, ask yourself if you are getting enough of them?
  5. Are you spending enough fun time together outside of the bedroom? FUN. Remember fun. What do you enjoy doing together? What brought you together in the first place? Whatever it is, do more of it.
  6. Are you looking after yourself? Are you making time for your own creativity, friends, exercise and living your life with purpose. We all need to feel we are living with a purpose and expressing our authentic selves. If we don’t we can project our unfulfilled selves onto our partners expecting, even unconsciously, expecting them to fulfill us and give us purpose in the world and that is not how the best relationships work. The best relationships are when two people bring their whole authentic, creative selves into the relationship and share their purpose with each other and the rest of the world.
  7. Communication. How skilled are you at communication? Are you able to express, what you feel, need and want? Do you know how to express yourself to create more connection and love, and less stress and conflict?

Couple walking

Sex is the highest form of communication so if your communications skills are lacking then so will your ability to create healthy happy relationships in all areas of your life.

Studies have proven that “85% of your happiness and success in life can be directly attributed to your communication skills” So suffice to say that communication and connection is the answer to switching ON your “turn on switch”

If you want help with your relationships or communication coaching please connect with me and BOOK YOUR SESSION BELOW

Connection Point
Love Mheyah 

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Let’s talk about SEX

How many times a week do you think couples should be having sex?

Well the real answer is, as many times as suits the couple. Everyone is different and as long as both partners are happy with the frequency then all is good.

Here is the thing. Sex is the highest form of communication and all that ‘conversation stuff’ is all foreplay. So let’s talk about how communication, conversations and connection ties in with having great sex.

The truth is, sex is all about communication and is our most intimate form of communicating with our partners.
"love and heart"How we connect with others comes naturally to some and not so naturally to others but is essential for building awesome relationships. We communicate and transmit information all day long; I am available or not, I am open or not, I am relaxed or not, I like you or not, I love you or not. I want to have sex or not. The absence of good communication between couples can cause many problems, pain, misunderstandings, conflict, disconnection, lack of harmony and love, and yes when this happens can mean less sex too. This is how we end up in the proverbial catch-22 of disconnection. We feel upset with our partners or they are upset with us and we disconnect emotionally and then disengage physically and we end up in the relationship spiral of doom. We need physical intimacy to feel happy and connected emotionally and we need emotional connection to have great physical intimacy.

A lot of couples don’t want to have sexual contact when they are upset and feel emotional disconnected so they go round and round getting more emotionally and physically distant and the great relationship divide has happened. It can be so discouraging and disheartening.
4855659-3d-rendering-of-a-heart-with-barbed-wire-around-itI would like to suggest that our relationships don’t need to go through this painful process. We communicate with our actions, what we say or don’t say, and we can certainly learn to communicate more effectively to increase positive connection with our partners. Love after all is an action word.

To have more love, quality connection, passion and intimacy in your life you must be more loving and this is where being able to communicate in more loving ways will elevate your relationship to levels of AWESOME-ness.
No relationship can be truly happy, fulfilling & successful without knowing how to express yourself to the important people in your life. We all want to feel valued, loved, respected, to feel special and important and I can guarantee you learning new ways to communicate will bring you more of what you want.

Relationships need safety and healthy attachment to thrive. The one question we all need to know from our partners is, “are you there for me” and when we trust that someone is there for us it builds an awesome level of intimacy and connection and yes this is the space for great sex.

If you relationship is not thriving in the way you would like and you don’t understand why not, ask yourself what you could do to improve connection with your love.
"love held in our hands"

Here is a list of ideas to get you started with reconnecting. Think of the whole day as foreplay. Love is in the Details.
I am sure you can come up with a few of your own as well.

  1. positively engage, listen, be curious
  2. be calm and non-reactive, explain what you need and want clearly
  3. be appreciative and grateful for what your partner brings to the relationship, thank them for the things they do 
  4. share common interests, time together
  5. laugh with each other
  6. be openly affectionate, look at her/him directly
  7. be transparent and trustworthy
  8. do not criticize, blame or judge
  9. put your phone away
  10. check in for 20 minutes everyday
  11. smile at each other
  12. text little things during the day ????
  13. gifts for no special reason are nice????
  14. look after yourself which means you take care of yourself, body, mind and soul
  15. grow, learn, create, be inspired
  16. be happy
  17. kiss????
  18. celebrate
  19. offer to help, support, be of value
  20. be loving, caring, kind, compassionate

As Rumi says; Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

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loveLove Mheyah 
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